Vengeance Nights

Okay, biting the bullet and sticking my first chapter online. This fic is based off the Dark Hunter novels by Sherrilyn Kenyon. There's an established mythology there that I do my best to explain, but if you ever have any questions, please let me know.

Basically though, Dark Hunters are immortal vampire hunters with a variety of enhanced abilities. Hope you like it...be gentle with me!
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“This rock star bullshit, it's gotta stop Shadow.” Acheron Parthenopaeus, aka Ash, stood back stage in the small sweaty club, berating the men who sat before him.

“You stop coming to our shows and maybe we will Ash.” Synyster cut back.

Johnny laughed at that until he looked at their boss. On appearances Ash looked like he belonged on stage with the others. Sweat curled, waist length blonde hair flowed down over leather jacketed shoulders, eyes hidden behind aviator sunglasses, but the other occupants of the room knew all too well that his appearance was dependant on his mood and surroundings, much like the fact the age on the id card in his wallet was missing a good 11,000 years.

The man addressed as Shadow stood up and walked over to stand in front of Ash. What the younger man lacked in height compared to Ash's 6 foot 7 inches he more than made up for in bulk, impressive tattooed biceps bulged out of his sleeveless Motorhead t-shirt.

“You've got duties Shadow, Vengeance.”

“Yes boss,” Shadow replied, throwing up a mock salute, “We're going out now. Vengeance spotted Fabios in the crowd.” Shadow replied.
Fabio was the derogatory term Dark Hunters used for the Daimons they tracked and killed, due to their long blond hair, model looks and arrogant attitudes. Ash looked left to see Vengeance pulling his favourite weapon, a jade sheathed katana, from the hidden compartment in the top of his guitar case. He twirled it over his head in a flashy display that didn't impress anyone before tucking it through his belt. He shrugged into a leather trenchcoat and turned round, “I'm out of here, see you guys later.”

Vengeance stalked out of the room and left the club by a side door. The one downside to hanging out with Shadow was that he felt so weak. It was a caveat of the enhanced Dark Hunter package, more than one of them in the same place and they drained each others powers. Shadow was fine, he was still strong enough in a fight to take on pretty much anything. Vengeance huffed out a breath, pissed off at being second in everything, to Shadow when they hunted together, to Synyster on stage. Stalking through the streets Vengeance concentrated, flexed his shoulders and felt his abilities flowing back. Together with that came the knowledge that his quarry wasn't far off. The reek of Daimon reached his nostrils just before he heard the sound of screaming.

***

Putting on a burst of speed, Vengeance hurtled round the next corner and into the alleyway beyond. Sure enough there were the 4 daimons he had noticed in the club, prowling down the alley towards a young woman they had cornered. She cowered in fear as the quartet drew closer, Vengeance heard their laughter, bitter yet full of amusement at her predicament and knew exactly what they were up to. Terror lent a unique edge to the souls the daimons consumed, they were getting ready to kill. Looking around the alley Vengeance tried to work out a way to take down the four without the woman seeing, it was forbidden for Dark Hunters to reveal themselves to humans but he couldn't see any way around it. He sent up a silent curse to the goddess Artemis, wishing for a more useful ability in these situations, something like the stories he'd heard about one of the New Orleans hunters, who could bring a shrouding mist down to cloak his activities. With a sigh Vengeance took a few steps further down the alley and coughed, “Scuse me, uh, yeah, I was looking for these four assholes. Tall, blonde, desperate to get their asses kicked.” Vengeance grinned, “Oh there you are.”

You're off to a great start! I like the descriptions and how you incorporate them into the story, because it really brings it to life. The defiance of the main characters to their boss also brings an interesting dynamic to the tale.

All in all, I'd say I'm excited for the next installment!

Well in that case
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Chapter 2

With a sweep of his left arm Vengeance drew his jacket back, freeing the handle of his katana, his right hand was on the hilt a second later and by the time the daimons were coming for him he was ready for them. The first went down way too easy, almost running straight on to the outstretched blade where he exploded into a fine powder that drifted gently on the warm night air.
“Shit seriously? I actually wanted a decent fight tonight. I swear you sons of bitches pussy out more the longer your hair gets.” Vengeance was pissed, tonight's gig had been crappy, the presence of the daimons in the audience had put him off, even with his powers drained by his proximity to Shadow he could still smell their stench.
The tallest of the 3 remaining daimons stepped forwards, “You want a fight Dark Hunter? Then a fight you shall have? Course, it won't take us long to dispatch you, and then we can go back to our dinner plans.”
Vengeance allowed a smirk to curve his lips, “That might be difficult since she cut and ran the second your backs were turned.”
It was bullshit, a bluff, there was only one way out of the alleyway and that was past the 3 inkblots and Vengeance himself, and he'd seen no movement. Didn't matter though, the trio were still stupid enough to turn to check and that was when Vengeance made his move. Lunging forwards he caught the first daimon as it whirled back towards him, slicing through the meat of his stomach. The daimon hurled a curse at him but Vengeance merely smiled, licked his lips and pulled back to thrust the sword through his chest. As soon as the tip pierced the dead heart the daimon exploded just as the first one had.

Realising that they were in trouble the other two looked for an escape route but Vengeance wasn't going to let them go that easily, “Come on, you know only two people are walking out of this alley and it's gonna be me, and her.”
“That's what you think Dark Hunter,” the daimon spat back, throwing himself at Vengeance, catching the Hunter a little off balance they crashed to the floor together. Vengeance used his arms to break his fall but in doing so his katana bounced out of his grip and skittered across the alleyway. The daimon that wasn't kneeling on his chest picked it up and grinned. He tested the weight for a moment, “Very nice, perfectly balanced. Not going to help you though. Enjoy being a Shade for the rest of eternity.” The daimon raised the blade above his head, Vengeance bucked and fought to throw the other daimon off and get clear before his beloved katana ended his sorry existence but it was useless, the daimon's knees were crushing his chest so he couldn't even sit up a fraction. Vengeance looked up, determined that if this was it, he was going to watch. He saw the blade starting to come down and a second later he was blinking dust out of his eyes and listening to the sound of his katana hitting the tarmac again. The weight was gone from his chest and he sat up, rubbing what remained of the dust from his eyes, at the end of the alley stood Shadow, tucking a retractable blade back up his sleeve. Vengeance nodded his thanks and jumped up, heading for the end of the alley to check on the girl, formulating an explanation for the fight as he went.

“What the fuck?” Vengeance exclaimed to the night sky, he'd searched all over the alley but there was no sign of the girl, no way she'd gotten out past him, Shadow, and the daimons, so where the hell was she? In his annoyance he hadn't noticed the stack of crates in the corner that provided access to the roof.

***

4 hours and one further fight later, Vengeance noted the sky beginning to lighten on the Eastern horizon. Circling back on his patrol route he made his way back to the parking lot at the club. The only car left in the lot was a black E Class Mercedes. The lights flashed once as he approached, signalling the alarm system deactivation and the central locking release. Vengeance climbed inside, allowed himself a second to relax against the leather driver's seat before he gunned the ignition to life and peeled out of the lot, headed for home.

Go ZV! He seems to be a good hunter, so here's my question: when Shadow rescued him from that fight (which was necessary), how did ZV feel? Even if he knew it was necessary and it saved his life, was his pride bruised a bit? Maybe his ego took a little hit? I know he was annoyed when he couldn't find the girl, but how did he feel about being rescued?

Otherwise, I thought it was a very good chapter! It was easy to visualize what was going on (which is important in a story) and I like that. The only suggestion I would make is to try to have your sentences flow a bit more...in a couple of places, it seemed a bit like: 'he did this. then he did that.' Over all, though, well done!

I'm so slack, I made all that noise about being back...pfft. You know what, in my head, I know exactly how Vengeance felt about being rescued by Shadow, but it never made it as far as the actual story. I tend to hold back a little when I write, otherwise I can go on for an eternity, just waffling about how people feel and what stuff looks like. Perhaps I will go back and see if I can't edit something in about that, but for now, here's chapter 3.

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Freya Morris tiptoed into her apartment. Her flatmates were asleep, having declined her invitation to go to the gig that night and she didn't want to wake them. Slowly she made her way to her bedroom, changed into her pyjamas and crawled into bed, pondering on the extreme weirdness of her night.

The gig had been great, a friend had told her about the band a while ago but this had been her first time seeing them. Shame the night had taken such a shitty turn when she left the club. It wasn't far back to her apartment, and with it being so warm at night right now she'd decided to walk. Big mistake. Four guys had come at her, one from behind, one in front and two from across the street, boxing her in and forcing her into an alleyway. Just when she thought her number was up, that she was about to be beaten or worse, and left in the alley someone had come in behind the men. The guy was tallish, although nothing compared to the guys who'd followed her, but she couldn't see much else about him. He yelled at the men, got their attention and Freya had bolted, she'd seen a pile of boxes in the corner that led up to the roof of the warehouse they were next to. She scrambled up the wooden heap, ignoring the splinters that gouged into her hands until she reached the roof. Just before Freya ran across the roof towards the fire escape she looked back down, the tall blonde men were rushing the guy who had distracted them, she cast her eyes upwards, praying that he'd turn and run.

As Freya lay in the darkness her thoughts turned from relief at her own escape to worry and then guilt. What if that guy hadn't made it out? What if the men who'd gone after her had beaten him instead, maybe left him in that alley. Unable to get the thought out of her head she rolled over and picked up her phone off the night stand. Quickly she rang 911 and called in a fight in the alleyway. Hopefully if anything had happened, the unit they despatched would come to the guys aid in time.

***

Freya groaned and rolled over, pulling the covers up over her head as her alarm sounded shrilly. After ten seconds it was too loud to bear and she reached out quickly to switch it off. 4 am starts were a killer, but Freya loved her job and it was a sacrifice she was willing to make. Rolling out of bed she grabbed her uniform from where it hung in the wardrobe and headed for the bathroom. Half an hour later she was showered and dressed, her long red hair was tied into two plaits that hung down her back, grabbing a piece of toast and a travel mug of tea she jumped into her car and set off for work. The LA Zoo was an hour up the Interstate from where she lived in Huntington Beach and the drive definitely wasn't her favourite part of the day, although it gave her a chance to listen to music which always chilled her out. Pulling into the staff parking lot Freya locked up her car and headed for the entrance, she swiped her staff id card over the reader and heard the lock release, pushed the door open and walked inside.

It's good to meet our female lead =). I thought it was interesting that she couldn't get her rescuer out of her head and called it in...curious what the response will be when the units get there.

Also interesting to see she works in a zoo =). I thought perhaps the end of the chapter could have been a bit longer (minor interactions with co-workers, etc.), but you certainly have an interesting plot going here! I'm curious to see where it goes.

Finally got around to reading this. My head is so full of cotton wool, though, so I won't be able to review it like I think it deserves. I like the plotline though and I'm intrigued to read more.

One thing bothers me though, and it's not really a huge thing, but it's the whole Shadow, thing. Shouldn't he be called, Shadows? Not Shadow? . Because he's M Shadows. . Other than that, I'm liking what I've read. Keep up the good work .