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WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! WE ARE GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE!
Thank you for your support, it is greatly appreciated!
R.I.P. James Owen Sullivan a.k.a. The Rev 1981-2009

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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    deceit
    deceit
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  deceit 12/20/2010, 6:33 am

    He scoped the bar out looking for his next ‘victim.’
    Bar’s had to be one of the greatest places to find girls. They came out specifically to drink, listen to live music, and get picked up. Not to mention they dressed slutty to attract every guy’s attention, and to get a free drink or two.
    That is when he spotted her. She was sitting alone at a table bordering the stage watching the horrible band try to cover crappy 80’s ballads.
    Her small hands held up her perfectly shaped chin as she stared intently at the band. She had her beautiful black hair pulled back into a messy bun on the back of her head. It was held up by a silver butterfly clip that had small gems all over it. Her ears adorned many different pieces of jewelry , although the big peace sign plugs in her lobes caught his attention the most. Her nose was small and came up slightly at the tip. Her eyes were lined in black and her eye lids were covered in purple shadow, making her bright hazel orbs pop. She had a beautifully shaped face, not to skinny and not to fat. Her jaw line was structured like a goddess. A long black flowing peasant skirt was worn around her hips falling down to her brown moccasins. She wore a white long sleeve shirt with bell sleeves and a stunning sparrow necklace around her neck.
    He watched her from afar as she sang along to a few of the songs, her gorgeous mouth making him imagine what it would be like to kiss her precious pink lips.
    He took tender sips from the straw that was inside his glass of Jack Daniels and Coke. He watched as she drank Coors Light like it was water.
    “My kind of girl.” He muttered to himself.
    After he had drunk two Jack and Coke’s he felt more than comfortable approaching her. He went to the bar, ordered another drink for himself and a Coors Light for her.
    “Hello my lady.” He said, walking up to her table. “May I have a seat?” He smiled, giving her a smile that no women could ever resist.
    “Of course.” She yelled over the band. She returned the smile and began to blush as he handed her the drink. “Thank you.”
    “Anything for beautiful women such as yourself.”
    They sat in a comfortable silence as they watched the band play a few more songs before the decided to take a break.
    She looked over at him and he smiled at her. She sheepishly put her head down and blushed again.
    “So what is your name, love?” He asked sipping from his drink.
    “Lilly.” She answered running her finger along the opening of the bottle.
    “A beautiful name to match a beautiful girl.” He again gave her that smile that made her feel as though she was going to melt.
    “What is your name?” She asked finishing her drink.
    “Zackary.”
    “I like that name. Can I call you Zee?” She asked.
    “You can call me anything you want, Lilly.” She shuttered at the way he said her name. It was unbelievably sexy. “Can I buy you another drink?”
    “Yes.”
    An hour and a half later, and as the band was getting ready to finish their set Zackary knew it was time to make his move.
    Him and Lilly had pulled their chairs closer to each other as the show had progressed. He put an arm around her shoulders.
    She laid her head against his chest and giggled. She was very drunk. She couldn’t even remember how many beers Zackary had bought her.
    As she laid her head on his chest Zackary ran his fingers up and down her arms, feeling the goose bumps he left behind.
    He couldn’t believe how easy she was making this.
    “Would you like to get out of here, Lilly?” He whispered in her ear, his lips lightly touching her lobe.
    “Yes.” She muttered, smiling a drunken smile.

    Synysterette
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Re: Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  Synysterette 12/20/2010, 10:44 pm

    oooh!! I've seen this one before on FanWorks I go there often to read wee stories Smile

    It totally never clicked that this was you Carla
    - I realise I should have guessed already by the username but y'know I'm kinda slow that way Rolling Eyes Laughing

    Also more than happy to read the rest on here Go Go Go!!! Very Happy
    deceit
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Re: Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  deceit 12/21/2010, 1:19 am

    i've been getting so frustrated with fan works.
    somehow the site is putting this chapter as another chapter for a different story.
    so i deleted it all together.
    grrrr.


    thankks. Smile
    Synysterette
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Re: Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  Synysterette 12/21/2010, 4:42 am

    yeah I've noticed it'd mixed up a couple of other stories I've been reading - most annoying when you're on a cliffhanger and can't find the rest of the story lol

    Looking forward to getting it in order in full here tho :)and the rest of them too of course - god I'm gonna get confused now (doesn't take much)
    Aightball
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Re: Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  Aightball 12/22/2010, 7:59 am

    I always get so nervous offering con-crit...but here goes!


    deceit wrote:He scoped the bar out looking for his next ‘victim.’
    Bar’s had to be one of the greatest places to find girls. They came out specifically to drink, listen to live music, and get picked up. Not to mention they dressed slutty to attract every guy’s attention, and to get a free drink or two.
    That is when he spotted her. She was sitting alone at a table bordering the stage watching the horrible band try to cover crappy 80’s ballads.

    I would cut this...it does help set up the story, but it's almost too obvious, if that makes sense. Or, make it a seperate section from the rest of the story, and then start the main chapter with:


    Her small hands held up her perfectly shaped chin as she stared intently at the band.

    This is a great opening for a chapter. I like the visual I get here.

    She had her beautiful black hair pulled back into a messy bun on the back of her head. It was held up by a silver butterfly clip that had small gems all over it. Her ears adorned many different pieces of jewelry , although the big peace sign plugs in her lobes caught his attention the most. Her nose was small and came up slightly at the tip. Her eyes were lined in black and her eye lids were covered in purple shadow, making her bright hazel orbs pop. She had a beautifully shaped face, not to skinny and not to fat. Her jaw line was structured like a goddess. A long black flowing peasant skirt was worn around her hips falling down to her brown moccasins. She wore a white long sleeve shirt with bell sleeves and a stunning sparrow necklace around her neck.

    You need to give me lessons on description, lol! This is great! One thing: I would break it up a bit. I struggle with description sometimes, but I almost think we get too much of her here. This would be a paragraph I'd play with if it was my story and see if I could break it up a bit or if it works best as one unit.

    He watched her from afar as she sang along to a few of the songs, her gorgeous mouth making him imagine what it would be like to kiss her precious pink lips.
    He took tender sips from the straw that was inside his glass of Jack Daniels and Coke. He watched as she drank Coors Light like it was water.
    “My kind of girl.” He muttered to himself.
    After he had drunk two Jack and Coke’s he felt more than comfortable approaching her. He went to the bar, ordered another drink for himself and a Coors Light for her.

    I love the visual here as well. He's setting up as a creepy stalker dude who is up to no good. I'm very interested to see where you take this character.

    “Hello my lady.” He said, walking up to her table. “May I have a seat?” He smiled, giving her a smile that no women could ever resist.
    “Of course.” She yelled over the band. She returned the smile and began to blush as he handed her the drink. “Thank you.”
    “Anything for beautiful women such as yourself.” Such a charmer with the cliche pick up line! Wink
    They sat in a comfortable silence as they watched the band play a few more songs before the decided to take a break.

    If I was the female lead, I would not be sitting in a comfortable silence with a stranger who just used an outdated pick up line on me =). Is she the kind of girl out looking for this type of experience or is she just playing along?

    She looked over at him and he smiled at her. She sheepishly put her head down and blushed again.
    “So what is your name, love?” He asked sipping from his drink.
    “Lilly.” She answered running her finger along the opening of the bottle.
    “A beautiful name to match a beautiful girl.” He again gave her that smile that made her feel as though she was going to melt.
    “What is your name?” She asked finishing her drink.
    “Zackary.”
    “I like that name. Can I call you Zee?” She asked.
    “You can call me anything you want, Lilly.” She shuttered at the way he said her name. It was unbelievably sexy. “Can I buy you another drink?”
    “Yes.”

    She's a very trusting soul, isn't she? Can you give a bit more here? What makes her trust him? Why does she agree to letting him by her another drink? How does she know he won't drug it?

    An hour and a half later, and as the band was getting ready to finish their set Zackary knew it was time to make his move.
    Him and Lilly had pulled their chairs closer to each other as the show had progressed. He put an arm around her shoulders.
    She laid her head against his chest and giggled.

    This is good. One thing I would do (as someone pointed out to me that I do) is make it less clunky. The first sentence is good, but the last is a bit he did this. Then he did this. You might say something like He put an arm around her shoulders as she laid her head against his chest (or shoulder) and giggled. That's just one way it might be writte.

    She was very drunk. She couldn’t even remember how many beers Zackary had bought her.
    As she laid her head on his chest Zackary ran his fingers up and down her arms, feeling the goose bumps he left behind.
    He couldn’t believe how easy she was making this.
    “Would you like to get out of here, Lilly?” he whispered in her ear, his lips lightly touching her lobe.
    “Yes.” She muttered, smiling a drunken smile.

    Over all, great opener!! I can't wait to see where you take this. I love how you've set things up! Creepy stalker dude is clearly up to no good here and Lilly is falling right into his trap. I usually don't like the "weak woman" female lead, but something about Lilly draws me in and makes me want to see what happens next. Is she just playing the part of weak female for his benefit? Is he going to make a move and be singing soprano for the next two weeks? I want more!
    deceit
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Re: Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  deceit 12/22/2010, 1:19 pm

    Thank you soooo much for the feedback. No one usually leaves feedback on things because they don't want to hurt their feelings. But I really appreciate it. When I wrote this chapter I was so worried about trying to make it long instead of short that I really didn't pay much attention to some of the things I wrote. But I will definately be taking your advice here and using it to the best of my abili to make my work better. Again, thank you.
    Aightball
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    Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis Empty Re: Me vs. Mardona vs. Elvis

    Post  Aightball 12/22/2010, 1:24 pm

    *whew* =) I am always nervous to leave con-crit with people because most will take it and a few won't. I left con-crit recently and got reamed by both authors and then they ended their story. Rolling Eyes Honestly! The story was good...but I was pointing out a detail they'd gotten wrong. I couldn't really ripped their story (they need an editor), but decided to go easy and be nice. Yeah...never again with those two!

    I can't wait to see what you come up with Very Happy. I try to give the kind of feedback to others that I want, so I'm glad it was well received. Writing is hopefully going ot be more than a hobby someday. *fingers crossed*

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