Oceans Between Us (Jimmy/Jacoby)

Please read "Rescue Me" before reading this story...I promise great confusion if you don't!

Jimmy has gone to California against Jacoby's wishes. How will they make their marriage work thousands of miles apart? How will Jimmy handle himself when old feelings surface? Can they make this work?

***

Prologue

I held Jacoby tight, knowing that soon he had to walk through security and head back to Iowa. I was determined to make this moment last as long as possible. He held me just as tight and I sensed that perhaps he didn’t want to leave.

“Call me as soon as you get to the farm,” I instructed, as we finally pulled apart. The month had gone far too quickly and I wanted him to stay. I knew he had a job to go back to, but what about me? “I want to know you made it home safely.”

“I will,” he promised, kissing me deeply. We parted once again and then he was gone, making his way through security to his gate.

I hung my head and walked with my sister Kelly back to my truck. She wrapped an arm around my waist and rubbed my side, trying to comfort me. But there was no comforting me, as I caught a glimpse of couples here and there. They were holding hands, smiling, and laughing, together. Thousands of miles, five states, and a gulf of mistrust separated my husband and me. I don’t know if we were ever going to get over this.

***

Jacoby called me around suppertime to let me know he was safely at the farm. We talked for a few minutes and then it was time to hang up. He needed to get to bed and I needed supper. Mom and dad were out tonight, so I was on my own. Mom had been giving me cooking lessons, since I couldn’t survive on take out and frozen pizza once I got to the house, and I decided to put those lessons to use.

Ironically (or perhaps not) her first instruction was not to burn the house down. This may or may not stem from the amount of times I’ve burned something in my attempts to cook. I can burn water. I decided to make lasagna, since that’s fairly simple. I got out mom’s recipe book she made for me and put some noodles on to boil. Then, I got the ground beef browned, seasoned, and sauced. So far, this was going well.

I assembled it per instructions and then popped it in the oven. Now, all I had to was wait and see if I had managed to make lasagna without any instructions from my mother. I retreated to the back deck, watching as the late evening sun made its slow journey across the sky. I loved California year round but there was something extra special about the summer time. It’s hotter than hell, but there’s rarely any humidity and I currently have my own private stretch of beach, complete with privacy fence all the way down to the water. I don’t know how I lived in Iowa so many years without it. Even when I get to the acreage out here, I’ll be a half hour drive into town to get to mom and dad’s, so I’ll still have that private stretch of beach.

I went in to check the lasagna and was pleased to see that it hadn’t burnt yet. I checked the recipe card and according the card, it was done. I got some oven mitts and pulled it out, grabbing a plate and a fork and a knife. Once I had a piece of my food, I grabbed some bread and butter and a glass of water and returned to the deck.

As I was sitting there, though, it struck me: this is going to be my life until Jacoby makes up his mind. It might be my life forever. If Jacoby decides that he just can’t leave Creighton (and I wouldn’t blame him), I’ll be married but living alone for the rest of my life. I can live without him in the short term, but I don't know about the long term. I’m stable now, thanks to therapy and new medications, but again, can I do this for the long term?

I slowly ate my supper, trying to imagine life without Jacoby. Right now, it’s not so bad, because he hasn’t made a final decision yet. But what if this does all work out and then he divorces me? After all, I took the permanent, full time position because I wanted to stay out here. Iowa is bad luck for me, Creighton wouldn’t want me back, so what else was I supposed to do? Keep collecting unemployment until it ran out and hope something opened up in Omaha or elsewhere? I couldn’t do that, because I wasn’t happy.

I finished eating, then pushed my plate away. I was worried now, because Jacoby had decided to wait me out. He wanted to see how things were going one year on, and while I agreed verbally with him, my heart was crushed; didn’t he trust me anymore? I thought we had that trust thing patched up, but now I’m starting to wonder.

With a sigh I took my dishes inside and put them in the dishwasher. I needed time to think and mull things over, so I went upstairs and changed into my trunks. The ocean was always relaxing to me and I think it’s time for a swim. I grabbed a small raft from the corner of my room and went down to the ocean with it. I managed to get on the slippery plastic surface and laid there, gazing up into the sky. One hand lazily kept me from floating away at sea, though the thought was an intriguing one.

I don’t know how long I floated there, just thinking. I was pondering what I would do without Jacoby, how I would go on without him. What if he wanted a divorce or just refused to move out here with me? I don’t want to be married but separated by thousands of miles. I know that I got myself into this mess, but this is truly for the best. It’s the best thing for my sanity, for my marriage and for Jacoby’s sanity. I’ve been out here now going on two months and not one meltdown has happened. Jacoby and I had a little argument while he was here, but that was all and we resolved it as soon as it was over.

I know I sound like I’m trying to convince myself, but I’m not. I know that this is for the best and I did the right thing. I’m just waiting on Jacoby to realize the same thing and get out here. I can tolerate his wait a year strategy, but I won’t tolerate it forever. Either he comes out here or he doesn’t, but I won’t be going back. I miss Iowa and the farm and my friends, but my moods are more stable out here.

“Jimmy?” a voice called, and I startled, falling into the water. When I surfaced, holding onto my little plastic raft, my mother was standing on the shoreline, smiling. “Are you coming in? It’s after midnight.”

How had it gotten so late? The sun was still up when I had supper, and I’d missed the setting. I swam ashore and brought my little raft in, looking not unlike a drowned rat. Mom walked with me and asked what I was doing out on the water so late.

“Just thinking,” I said, as we walked through the grass and up to the deck. “Mulling over my marriage, mostly.”

“Everything will work out,” she said, hugging me. We walked up the deck and into the house. I shivered as a blast of cold air from the air conditioner hit me. “It worked out last time, right?”

“Sort of,” I said, shrugging. The gesture hurt and I looked down to see my stomach and shoulders were burnt. I’d had worse sunburns but this bugger hurt worse for some reason. “It worked out in that I was put back on meds and now I’m out here and he’s back home. I don’t see how it worked out, I guess.”

She sat me down at the dining room table and started to rummage through a cupboard in the kitchen. I stood up when she pulled out the can of Solarcane spray and allowed her to coat my sunburn with the soothing spray. I sat back down and accepted a glass of water from her.

“Look,” she started, smiling. “That’s all in the past, okay? You and I worked out our differences over you not taking your meds all that time. I know you’re taking them now because I still trust you. While Jacoby was here, I spoke with him. You’d gone to bed early and he and I were the only ones still awake. He confessed that he’s conflicted about the situation and doesn’t really know what to do. He doesn’t want to leave Iowa for the simple fact that he’s established there and has been for the last 12 years. It’s hard to just pack up and leave that, especially in this economy. Jobs are scarce, even out here, so he’s wise to stay where he is until things get better.”

“But what about me? I didn’t do this lightly. I looked for jobs back home first, talked it over with countless people, including Dr. Mathias and my therapist. It’s not like I just packed up and left. I’m giving him his year to decide, but I wish he’d see that he needs to be out here with me.”

“And in time, he will,” she said, but I shook my head. “He will. But you have to remember that he’s still got a stable job up there, Jim. He can’t just leave that and hope that he finds something out here that works. For you, it was easier, because you were terminated. I know that’s not the way you wanted to go out, but it’s what happened. Jacoby has not been fired, so for him, it makes no sense to give up stability to come out here.”

I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face. Sometimes, I don’t know if it’s that people don’t understand me or I don’t understand what they’re telling me. I can see where mom’s coming from, but isn’t that what a marriage is about, sticking it out together? Shouldn’t we be together no matter what? In all fairness, it was because of Jacoby that I landed work in Omaha and ended up living in Iowa. I wanted to go back to California, but he didn’t. He said he didn’t want to live in paradise any longer, and that Iowa was good enough for him. We compromised and I stayed, with the understanding that eventually, we could come back here.

“What will I do if he doesn’t want to come back?” I asked, realizing my face was burnt as well. How the hell a setting sun could burn me like this was beyond me. Work was going to be so much fun tomorrow. “He said when we were first married and I finished my first round of training that he didn’t want to come back to California. I did, but I decided to stay with him. The compromise was that, eventually, we’d come back here. Don’t you think turnabout is fair play?”

“I only wish it were that easy,” she counseled, and I sighed. How could it be so hard? “Jimmy, what worked 12 years ago does not always work 12 years later. You guys were young, newlywed, and not established in your jobs. It didn’t matter where you went. But now things are different. Jacoby is settled in his job and his home. He’s a little miffed, really, that you came out here. When he heard the job was provisionary, he got excited, until you took the full time offering.”

“Yeah, we had a fight about that,” I admitted, twirling the saltshaker. “But I still don’t see why he’s upset. I know we’d agreed at one time that coming out here was all wrong, but now I see that coming here was right.”

“For you. He’s still struggling with his decision. I think Iowa is right for him and California is right for you. He told me about how he’d miss Iowa and he can’t see giving up what you guys have out there just to pack up and come here. I know that you’ve told him over and over that you can have your award winning gardens and such, but it takes time to get reestablished. You’ll have your amazing gardens here, Jim, but it will be a while before they win awards.”

I sighed, unwilling to admit that she was right. I missed my husband, and I think if he came here he’d be happy. He’d be closer to his family and he’d be closer to me. Isn’t that what’s important?

“I guess it’s going to be a battle for a while,” I said, and mom nodded, standing. She kissed the top of my head and wished me goodnight. It was two in the morning back home, so calling Jacoby was out the question; he probably had to work in the morning anyway. I know Brian had to work tonight, and everyone else had to work in the morning, myself included. I decided to head to bed, after putting some lasagna and a slice of bread in for my lunch tomorrow. I only hoped I could sleep.

***

I didn’t sleep well last night. I went to bed around 0030 and fell in and out of sleep from 0100 until it was time to get up at 0500. Needless to say, my boss took one look at me, handed me coffee, and told me to work inside today. I could not fly like this and I’d be worthless on the ambulance crew. I accepted the duty without complaint, and set to work checking patients in. UC Irvine’s ER is very busy, since they’re a trauma center, so we get a lot more activity than Creighton.

By the time I crawled in my truck 12 hours later I was exhausted. It was going to be a long drive to mom and dad’s, and I know my boss, Karen, was worried about me. I assured her I’d driven home on less sleep before, but she was still worried. I set out for home, making sure to drive carefully, and I made it. I pulled into the driveway and leaned my head on the steering wheel, wondering what I should do about Jacoby.

I hate to dwell on things, but it really does need to be concluded soon, you know? Are we divorcing, living separately, what are we doing? I closed my eyes, in desperate need of sleep, and tried to get my brain to shut off for a moment. I had to work again tomorrow and I can’t be grounded two days in a row. My passion lies in flying and it sucks when I can’t be up in the air helping people.

“Jimmy?”

This was getting to be an irritating pattern. My mother was once again calling for me, after I’d failed to come into the house in a reasonable time. I loved my mother, but couldn’t a guy just get some time to think to himself?

“Yeah?” I asked, still half asleep.

“Come to bed,” she said, opening the truck door. She gently pulled me out, taking my keys and lunch bag. “I’ll make your lunch for tomorrow, you go on up to bed.”

I didn’t even ask what time it was, just trudged up the stairs. I didn’t get to the changing part, because I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. The only thought on my mind continued, however, to be my marriage and the overarching question: is it over?

Well this oughta be...uh...interesting...

*evil laugh* That's one way of putting it...

You are actually made of evil aren't you?!

*checks* Yep!

Lol! Imma keep my eye on you Miss Evil Writer Lady!

*laughs* That might not be a bad idea....

I wanted to give you Jacoby today...just to get things off to a good start. You're a good commenter, and I have this whole thing written and I'm reasonably happy with it. We can handle two chapters a day, yes?

***


1

I sighed as I got up for work. I’d gotten home around 10 last night and foolishly, I had failed to take today off. My body was out of whack with the time change, and my vacation hadn’t been 100% restful. Jimmy and I had fought about him taking the full time offering without talking to me first. That’s what has me the most upset is that he just said yes on the spot.

I dragged myself into the shower, again wishing that he were up here with me. I know he says he’s happy out there and all, but I don’t buy it. He’s putting on that happy face, trying to look brave or whatever, but I know him, and I can see how lonely he is. Sure, he’s got friends out there, but they have lives, too. They all work some kind of 40 hour a week job, so he sees them about as often as you’d expect. They don’t party every night, they don’t have a BBQ every night. So I don’t know what he was hoping to accomplish out there, really.

Thankfully, when I got out of the shower, the coffee pot was done. Have I told you how much I love coffee pots with alarms? Jimmy took ours with him, so I decided to get a fancy one. You put the water and coffee in the night before, set the time and voila: coffee when you wake up. It makes my morning better I can tell you that.

The drive into Creighton seemed long this morning. I had no idea what the day would bring, as mostly we’d seen heat stroke patients of late. This summer was hot and stormy, but it was the hot part that was getting most people. I’d gotten fairly good before vacation at giving fluids to the idiots that thought they didn’t need to drink water when out in the hot weather. Sean would roll his eyes when the same people came in dehydrated week after week, our lessons and admonishments going in one ear and out the other.

I found a decent parking spot and made my way inside. I was the last to arrive, it seemed, as I clocked in and put my things in my locker. My lunch went into the fridge we kept back here, and finally, I joined the day shift for report. It sounded like a quiet night, with only a couple of ambulance calls, and so far this morning, the ER was dead.

“How was your vacation?” Hollister asked, limping over to me. I could see that she now wore a nice boot on her leg and I had to laugh. She hated the things, so how the doctor got her into one is beyond me. “Don’t ask. I told the doctor I’d refuse to wear it and to give me a proper walking cast, but he refused. We haggled back and forth and I lost, obviously. But fear not. I’ve worn it less than 24 hours, gotten a huge blister and will be getting a proper walking cast sometime this morning from Jarod.”

“I wondered,” I said, laughing. I was due to see Jarod, one of our cast techs, in another week. Hopefully, my short cast would be coming off soon. “My vacation was all right. It wasn’t as good as the last one, though. Jimmy's telling me how happy he is out there, etc., but I don’t buy it. He’s lonely.”

“Aren’t you going out there?” she asked, as we sat at the nurse’s station, waiting for a patient to need care. Sean was sitting with us, and he looked at me expectantly.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I told Jimmy I’d give him a year and I meant it. But at this time, I can’t see myself going out there. I love him, I want to stay married to him, but I’m not giving up what I have here. I can’t just start over, the way he can. He didn’t have a job when he left, I do.”

“Does Jimmy know this yet?” Sean asked, flipping through the schedule book. If the ER stayed quiet like this, someone would have to go home early.

“Not yet, because I’m not ready to tell him. I think he has an idea, though, of what’s going to happen,” I said, with a shrug. “I want to be with him, but not at the expense of what I have here. When we were first married, we compromised: he’d work here with the understanding that someday, we’d go back. Well, things change and over the years we’d agreed that we were happy here. It’s his fault he’s in this mess and I’m not going to help him clean it up. He had the option of staying on his meds, after all, and he should’ve done that.”

Sean glanced up at me with a bit of a shocked look on his face.

“I thought something was wrong,” he said, and I nodded. “I’d been kind of watching him, because his OCD had been under good control for a while and all at once, he was a ticking time bomb. I even called his doctor and suggested that he was off his meds. The doctor said he’d look into it and I never heard back.”

“Well, psych got him back on the meds, which is why he did so well up there. But when he got home, he wouldn’t take them. He ended up hiding them in his desk drawer, since his mother would bring them to him and leave. She trusted him, as did we all, to take them. That’s why all the bad shit happened as it did, and why we really had the come to Jesus talk before he left. He’s on new meds and as far as I can tell, he is taking them.”

“I hope he learned a lesson, then,” Sean said, but I shook my head. We both know Jimmy better than that now, I think. “I really do, though. He’s got a chance to start over, which not many people get.”

“I know that going to California wasn’t exactly right, but it’s what he chose and he’s got to live with that,” I said, and I saw Hollister nod. “It’s his fault he lost his good life here, after all.”

I know I sounded cruel and such, but I didn’t care. It was Jimmy's choice to go off his meds and ruin what we had here. Yes, winters here are long, dark, and cold, and yes, his moods suffered a little, but this winter was a particularly bad one for him, and it was his entire fault. If he’d stayed on his meds, he’d have had a much better time and wouldn’t have lost his job, ended up on psych, briefly in jail, and run off to California.

Am I blaming him? Yes. I still care about him, since he is still my husband, at least until we make a final decision what we’re going to do. Before you panic, we’re not talking divorce right away, despite things we screamed at each other in anger. We are talking about separation, just until Jimmy gets himself figured out and decides to come home. There is no way in hell I’m going to run to California, and I’ve already assured Sean that my job is mine.

“Isn’t that a little cruel?” Hollister asked, glancing at her watch. “I know it was his fault, Coby, but to be fair, he probably wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“He was. He said it himself that he went off them on purpose,” I said, and I realize now how childish I sound. “I’m sorry, it’s just that it’s still kind of a touchy subject with us.”

“That’s understandable,” Sean said, sipping his coffee. He rubbed his temples and wrote down a few names from the book. “Either of you willing to go home early today if need be?”

“I will,” Hollister said, standing and stretching. I could see Jarod coming our way, so it’s apparently time for her appointment. “I’ll be right back; I have an appointment with Jarod.”

Sean nodded her off and I yawned, looking around the quiet ER. I was waiting for the moment when it got busy, since we are a fairly good-sized ER and all. We had days where it was all quiet, but those were rare. I told Sean I’d leave early if he needed me too and he looked relieved, as he stood and went back to his office.

I stood and stretched, seeing that it was time for my morning break. I stopped by the office to let Sean know I was heading upstairs and he nodded. I don’t envy him his job; I don’t want that kind of responsibility. I wove my way through the maze of halls to the elevator and headed upstairs, wishing I’d thought to bring something for breakfast. The cafeteria here was kind of pricy, but I was hungry, so it would have to do. I thought about calling Jimmy, though he might be at work. It’s 0700 out there, so if he is at work, he’s probably not on break yet.

“To hell with it,” I muttered, entering the cafeteria. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number, grabbing a tray and heading for the breakfast pizza. Between that and a cup of fresh fruit, I’d spent far too much on mediocre food. I swiped my badge as his voice mail kicked in, sighing. “Hey Jim. Just thought I’d call and see how you were doing. Call me tonight. Love ya.”

I hung up, then found a table in a hidden corner to eat it. I wanted to be alone for some reason, mostly to mull things over. I honestly don’t know what to do about things, you know? I don’t want to get a divorce because I still love him and I can’t imagine life without him in it. On the other hand, I’m not leaving Iowa anymore than he seems to be willing to leave California.

I finished my breakfast and looked at the clock; time to head back downstairs. I hope that the pace either picks up or I can go home early. I never want people to be hurt, but that’s why I have a job. I figure Jimmy will call later and perhaps we can start to work out this little problem of ours.

***

“You up for going out later?” Anthony asked, as we clocked out at the end of our 12 hours. Sean wanted to send two people home early, but was only able to send one. We had about 25 patients all day, which for us isn’t very many. “You look like you could use a drink.”

“It’s tempting, but I think I’d better drink at home,” I said, thinking of the alcohol I could now keep in the house. “I need to get smashed and I can’t really drive home smashed.”

“You have tomorrow off?” he asked, and I nodded, as we got into our trucks. I rolled the windows down to let the hot air out and started up the air conditioner.

“Yeah, what about you?”

“Same here. I’ll come down to the farm and have a beer with you,” he offered and I accepted. I didn’t really want company, but a drinking partner was something I couldn’t pass up.

I made it home in a half hour as usual, and headed inside. I’d decided to get a dog, since the house was so empty without Ma and Pa around, and I wanted Anthony’s opinion on what I should get. He and Annie used to breed Labs and I was considering one. Jimmy was so horribly allergic to dogs we could never have one, but now he’s gone, I can have what I want.

I went to the fridge and got out the beer I had, placing it in a cooler. I kept a few bags of ice downstairs for nights such as this, so I ran down and grabbed a bag. With the beer on ice, I grabbed a couple of shot glasses and the Jack Daniels I’d always loved, but couldn’t trust Jimmy with.

I returned outside in time for Anthony to pull up and make his way to the two rocking chairs that still sat on the porch. It was really in need of another paint job this summer, so I’d have to get up some time off and energy and get it done soon. Maybe, once Anthony and I had our casts off, we could do it together. I waved to my friend and handed him a beer as soon as he was seated.

“I wanted your opinion on dogs,” I started, drinking a quarter of the beer in one gulp. “I need a pet and while cats are great and all, I think I want a dog.”

“Isn’t Jimmy deathly allergic to dogs?” he asked, drinking a bit slower. He had to drive home, after all. “Last I knew a dog put him in the hospital for four days with an asthma attack.”

“True, but he’s not here right now,” I pointed out, and heard Anthony sigh. “What? He’s not coming back, unless it’s to visit, so why can’t I start having a few things I had to give up?”

“You act like you’re single, Jacoby,” he pointed out, tipping his bottle toward me. “You can get a dog now, sure, but what about that first visit he makes? Who’s going to take the dog while he’s here? You can’t get all of the dog out of the house, either, so there will be traces of dander and hair and things no matter how well you clean. Do you really think he wants to spend his visit here in the hospital?”

“Of course not,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t want him hurt, I just want a thing or two I haven’t been able to have, that’s all.”

“That’s the talk of a single man. Are you divorcing Jimmy?”

“No,” I said, leaning forward and twirling my beer in my hands. “Not yet, at least.”

“Has the thought crossed your mind?”

“Possibly,” I admitted, and somehow, it was a relief to say it. “I’m just worried, Tony. I won’t leave here, he won’t come back, he’s got Brian, I’ve got nobody—“

“Whoa, slow down; Brian?” he asked, his eyebrows raised. “I thought he and Brian were history.”

“That’s the problem: they have history. Brian proposed at Jimmy's welcome home party to his boyfriend of four months. I think Jimmy still holds feelings for Brian, he just won’t admit it. He’s still acting weird, and I don’t think getting a permanent job was the problem.”

“You think he’s cheating or something?”Anthony asked, finishing his beer. His face was serious and for the first time, I gave the thought some consideration.

“I don’t know. I think I can trust him, since we’ve never strayed before, no matter the temptations. Brian’s been instrumental in helping me with Jimmy the last few months. I’d like to think that Jimmy can control his feelings.”

“What if he can’t?” Anthony asked, and I glanced at him, about to reprimand him for the suggestion. It hadn’t occurred to me what to do if that happened.

“Let’s hope he can,” I muttered, pouring myself a shot of Jack. I downed it and it burned in my throat, as I considered how to wring Jimmy's neck if he strayed.

How to wring his neck? Well I'll hold the little brat for ya Coby, don't you worry about that.

Evil writer lady indeed, I've got my eye on you and bloody Brian!

*laughs* There are many fun ways to wring a person's neck, lol! Jacoby seems to be versed in at least the one-handed chokehold!

Two more evil chapters tomorrow, knave! There are moments in this sequel when my true evilness shine through!

*facepalm* oh heaven help me in that case, I'm gonna be screaming at my monitor I can tell.

*evil laugh* You wouldn't be the first reader to scream at their monitor during this story...trust me! I'm posting it over on LJ as well and they're in the 30s for chapters. I've had several people screaming at their monitors over the actions of our duo and friends in this sequel. Can't wait to see what they do with part three.

stooooop taunting meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I promised Miss Kirst I'd write some more of my own fic tonight, so far that has been utterly derailed by this!

*laughs* But it's fun to taunt you!

*loves derailing things* If it makes you feel any better, I'm derailed at the moment as well...and had to tell Miss Kirst I needed the weekend to regoup First Tour =). One of us should write something so she doesn't get too bored this weekend!

Let's just say that a LOT of shit comes about in this sequel...

Now if only I knew where in the blue hell this damn story was going next I might be able to write it...stupid brain.

I've got characters talking to me from two different stories. One is just a quiet little voice in the background that I can't get a solid idea from. The other is Matt gesturing madly followed by a deflated and slightly upset Jimmy as the singing walks away from him. I know that means that First Tour is supposed to go in a new direction...but I can't write a chapter full of gestures...

'Matt gestured madly at Jimmy, arms flailing this way and that. Jimmy looked defeated and hung his head. Matt walked away and Jimmy started to cry.'

No. Ick!

Well I wish you all the best with it, I'm gonna go stare at a page until I come up with a decent idea...

We are doing the exact same thing right now...as I have Word open and not much written =).

Good luck with your chapter too!

2

What a busy freaking day I had today. I got to work at six this morning and I ran the whole day. I slept much better last night, after dozing off in my truck, so I was well rested this morning. My first flight was at seven for a freeway accident and I didn’t stop until I’d logged 10 hours of flying today. My final flight landed 10 minutes after I was supposed to be clocked out. There’d been an explosion at a gas pipeline facility and we’d brought three criticals on the chopper.

I was exhausted, to say the least. Burn victims are the hardest to care for because of the excruciating pain they’re in. It’s hard to start IVs on them because of the damage to their skin, and keeping them comfortable while they’re awake is a hellish task. I’m always relieved when they are able to be sedated and be comfortable in sleep while they heal.

“You work tomorrow Jim?” a voice asked and I turned to see Madison, one of the flight nurses. We were becoming good friends, which was a relief, since so many seemed to dislike me for some reason or other. She was taking off her flight suit and getting ready to head home.

“Nope, I’m off,” I said, as I put my supplies away and shed my own flight suit. I was looking forward to a dip in the ocean after supper and little else. “I’m going to head out to the farm tomorrow and see how things are coming.”

“Sounds like fun. My husband and I are taking our daughter to Sea World, so that should be entertaining,” she said, smiling. When she opened her locker, I could see a picture of her four year old daughter, Chole, and smiled. “Have a good night, Jim.”

“You, too,” I said, as we walked out together and went our separate ways. It was nice to have someone to talk to, since the bitch, excuse me, nurse, from orientation had turned most of the ER against me. A few were coming around, upon seeing that I wasn’t going to attack them, or ask them out, or anything else they might be afraid of, but there was a definite air of hostility around me.

I got in my truck and started the journey home. My mind was reeling from the things I’d seen today, and I turned on the radio to relax. I was off orientation for the most part, though I was still supervised in the field. Once I had work off the brain, my marriage came zooming back into place and I sighed. There was a missed call from Jacoby and I was debating if I should call him back or not. I wanted to talk to him, but we never accomplished anything when we did, so why should I?

I decided I’d have supper, then relax and call him later. It was, after all, going on nine at night out there, and I didn’t want to bother him if he was going to bed early. I could always call him tomorrow, as he had the day off. We exchanged schedules in email now so we’d know when to call each other.

“Just in time for supper,” mom said, as I walked in the door. She smiled at me, and I returned the gesture. “Get showered and then we’ll be ready to eat.”

I nodded, heading upstairs, ready to shed my uniform. I was hot and sweaty and I smelled like a hospital. I knew I’d get used to that smell again, but it was going to take time. As the warm water cascaded down me and cleaned me, I pondered what to do about Jacoby. He didn’t seem willing to leave Iowa and I wasn’t willing to leave California. I was happy here and we’d made a deal back when we first got married. I was upholding my end of it by coming back, but he had to go get settled.

I had so many issues I wanted to discuss with him, too. Over the years, starting a family had come up, but I didn’t want to do it alone. I was so unstable for a while that a child would’ve been a bad thing to add to the mix, so we had the cats instead. Now that I’m stable, I’m ready to have a child in my life.

I sighed and turned off the shower; it was no use pining for what I’ll never have. It does, after all, take two to tango, does it not? I shook my head as I dried off and dressed in basketball shorts and a t-shirt, heading downstairs just as mom was putting the food on. I was hungry all at once, when I spotted the chicken, potatoes, and a vegetable. I could see a cake sitting on the kitchen counter and my stomach growled hungrily.

“Hungry?” dad asked, laughing, as we all sat down. I nodded, waiting while mom prayed, then we started to eat. It was after seven now, and I know they like to eat earlier than this.

“Thanks for waiting supper. You didn’t have to,” I told mom as I dug into my food. Sue me I was starving.

“We eat as a family,” she reminded me and I couldn’t argue. A mew came from my feet and I laughed as I looked down at Ma and Pa. They were sitting there expectantly, as though food would just magically drop toward them. “Are the cats begging again?”

“They are and they know the rules,” I said, wagging a finger at both of them. “No table food.”

They looked dejectedly at me as they moved to sit in front of dad, who looked like he was trying not to choke on his food. I cocked an eyebrow at him, noting a sheepish look on his face. By now, Ma and Pa were practically in his lap and I think I know who’s been giving them table food.

“Dad?” I questioned, laughing at the blush creeping up his cheeks. The cats were each standing on their hind legs, front paws crossed on his knees and licking their chops. “Guys, I don’t think dad got the rules list. You two go place somewhere else.”

They each took off running with pieces of chicken in their mouths, causing mom and I to start laughing at dad’s helpless shrug. It’s fair to say this put supper on hold a good few minutes while we were laughing too hard to eat, before dad finally fessed up.

“I didn’t figure it would hurt. I used to give Sparky food all the time,” he said, referring to the cat I had as a child.

“And I if recall correctly, Sparky was 25 pounds of cat,” mom pointed out, causing dad to nod sheepishly. “He was put on several diets, but they didn’t work for some reason.”

“But he was a good cat,” I pointed out as we resumed eating. “Ma and Pa are around 10 pounds each, so they should attempt to stay that way. But it’s okay, dad, because to be fair, Coby and I slip them a table treat now and then ourselves.”

“I knew I couldn’t be the only guilty party,” he said, pointing his fork at me. I laughed, as I finished eating, making sure to save room for mom’s chocolate cake.

“Who’s up for cake?” mom asked, and dad and I raised our hands, setting our dinner plates aside. She went into the kitchen to cut three pieces and gave me a look while she did so. “Have you talked to Coby much?”

“He called last night to tell me he was home and called this morning, but I haven’t had a chance to call him back,” I said, wishing she’d leave this subject alone. “But I’ll call him after supper.”

She nodded, but I knew there was more she wanted to say. She had been clear that Coby and I needed to work this out on our own, but because she’s a mom, she’ll always be there with advice and guidance. I think she’s afraid we’re going to get a divorce or something. But we’re stronger than that, I think.

“I’m going to call Coby,” I said, once I’d finished desert. I took my plate to the sink and rinsed it off, then grabbed a can of pop and retreated to the sand. Mom and dad have a nice deck and a nice pool, but I prefer the beach and the ocean. My little raft is still here from the other night, so if I wanted to later, I could go out on that. Before I could dial my husband, the phone rang and I smiled when I saw who was calling. “Hey Bri, what’s up?”

“Not much, wondered if you’d be up for going out tonight? We’re all off tomorrow, so thought we’d have a guy’s night out,” he said, and I nodded eagerly.

“I’ll come,” I said, sitting in the sand. “What time?”

“I’ll pick you up at nine,” he said, hanging up. I looked at my phone; it was just eight. I dialed Jacoby and went back in to find an outfit for the night. “Hey Coby, just returning your call. Talk to ya later. Love ya.”

I hung up, wondering why it went to voicemail. It was only 10 out there, and he wasn’t really the bar type. I shrugged it off and chalked it up to a long day at work. I went to my closet and pondered my clothes. I’m not really the fashion type, mostly wearing basketball shorts or my work uniform, but I did have a few outfits for dressing up. I bypassed the dress slacks and grabbed a pair of black jeans, a black shirt and red vest, and a pair of red tennis shoes.

I was downstairs 15 minutes later, making sure I had my wallet and keys.

“You look handsome,” mom said, and I blushed, as she straightened my vest. “Where are you off to?”

“The guys and I are going out for drinks,” I explained, as I saw Brian pull into the driveway. “I’ll be back later.”

I hugged each of the cats, then ran out to my friend’s car. I waved to Mike and Brian, then folded myself into the back seat. Why Brian insisted on having a Mini Cooper was beyond me, since there’s a few scattered inches difference between my height and his. I swear my knees are under my chin…

“Where are we going?”

“Johnny’s,” he said, and I grinned. The local bar was a kind of watering hole, but it was incredibly popular and we’d spent most of our younger years partying there, especially when we thought we were going to start a band. “The others should already be there. Matt and I are DDs tonight, so feel free to get as smashed as you like.”

“Thanks,” I said, wishing I’d driven as my legs started to cramp in the confined backseat of the car. “Have you considered a bigger car?”

“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. I knew his job as a nurse at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles paid well, since he was on the fast track to management. He was in his final semester to get his masters in nursing, so maybe the pay increase would net him a bigger car. “Why, feeling cramped?”

“A bit,” I admitted, laughing. He flipped me off and I saw a strange look float across Mike’s face. Was he worried about something? “How are you doing Mike?”

“Good,” he said, smiling, though it looked like an uneasy smile. “Work’s going well.”

“Where do you work?”

“On the PICU at Children’s,” he said, reaching over to take Brian’s hand. It looked like a possessive move, but I ignored it. “That’s how I met Brian.”

“That’s cool,” I said, nodding. I still thought their engagement was a little rushed. “It’s always hard for me to bring kids in.”

“What do you do?” he asked, and I swear he sounded…nervous?

“I’m an EMT I, paramedic, RN, flight nurse, pilot,” I said, grinning. There, take that Mr. Heart Stealer.

“That’s impressive,” he said, a bit snidely. I could see Brian was starting to sweat, as we tossed credentials around. “How does one achieve that by the age of 28? RN is two years and I’m sure flight training takes longer than that.”

“Here we are!” Brian announced loudly, sending me a look in the rear view mirror. I returned the look, as I eagerly piled out of the tiny car. Once I had unfolded myself, I stretched a bit, trying to get the feeling back in my feet. “I see Matt’s truck.”

The truck was hard to miss. It was black, which suited him, but the back window held the decal for the tattoo parlor he ran with our friends Zach and Johnny. It was called Jaded Angel and the design was a Zach signature. The angle was black and white, her wings a tatter, and bits of feathers floating around her. Her halo was crooked and tarnished, and her face held a look that said “I quit”. It was the most popular tattoo at the shop and had made the shop famous.

“God, it’s been so long since I’ve been here,” I said, unable to ignore the way Mike walked next to Brian. I was starting to think they rushed into things, and suspected this would not last. Brian can’t stand clingy people, and Mike is starting to look a little clingy to me. I held the door open for them and entered the smoky, dingy atmosphere I’d been missing. “But it never changes, does it?”

“It sure doesn’t,” Brian agreed, as we spotted Matt. He waved us over and I sat next to Brian, eagerly grabbing a glass. Zach was known for his Jack Daniels habit and had accordingly purchased a bottle of the drink and a pitcher of coke for the table. Here, there were no rules for me. I could drink all I wanted and then some.

I had just poured a glass of pop and was reaching for the alcohol when a hand pulled it away. I looked up and Matt was shaking his head at me. I frowned, wondering why he was denying me my first hard drink in five long years.

“Don’t ruin your sobriety tonight,” he reminded me and I sighed. He put the bottle out of reach, looking apologetic. “I’m sorry, Jimmy, but I know that you recently celebrated five years of sobriety and I want you to stay that way. Zach isn’t having any, either, this is courtesy of Johnny. You and Zach can have a couple of beers, but nothing more.”

“Fine,” I said, scowling. I went up the bar and ordered a Guinness, then returned to the table, feeling defeated. Beer does next to nothing for me, which is why I was allowed to drink a couple of them on a special occasion. Apparently tonight was a special occasion: mine and Zach’s sobriety and my return home. A beer would have to do, I guess.

“We’re just looking out for you,” Johnny said, gently, and I nodded. I couldn’t really argue with that, but there had to be a better way of going about it, don’t you think? Let us have the one drink we both love, just one, to celebrate. Judging from the look on the faces around me, that wasn’t going to happen.

“It’s okay,” Zach said, clinking his beer bottle with mine. “You and I can laugh at them when they’re trashed. We can drive them home and be glad when we don’t wake up with hangovers in the morning.”

“I definitely don’t miss those!” I said, beginning to perk up a bit. I sipped at my beer, watching as my friends got a little tipsier as the hours ticked by.

Before I knew it, it was time to drag the drunks out to the vehicles and get them home. Zach had collected keys from Brian and Matt and tossed me the keys to the tiny thing Brian passes off as a car. I’m tempted to get him a bumper sticker that says “I drive a Hot Wheels car”. I got him and Mike to follow me, impressed that either could still walk. The third bottle of Jack went by faster than the first, and I know the bar is probably glad we came in. Those things aren’t cheap!

“All right, guys, into the car,” I said, shoving Mike in the back. He giggled at some private joke, but managed to operate his seatbelt. I got Brian situated in front, then stuffed myself in the driver’s seat, which turned out to be more spacious than the back. “I’ll bring your car back in the morning, Bri.”

“Okay,” he slurred. I think he’d have agreed to just about anything at this point. He started to get out of the car, as I got out letting Mike out of the back. Once they were both out, I got back in and waited to see if they got inside or not. It wouldn’t be the first time Brian slept on his front lawn, though I don’t recommend the practice. “Bye Jimmy-Pop.”

“Have a good night, Bri,” I said, melting a little at the use of his old nickname for me. I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but it was a nice gesture. Once they were inside, I headed for home, relieved to see mom’s door come into view. “Damn you Bri.”

I had a problem, all right, and it would take more than a few minutes in the bathroom to fix it.

OMG Jimmy! You are married, get a grip! and not of that....

*finally has Lyra down for a nap* Are you still awake? =)

In the first about...half of this sequel I wanted to slap Jimmy silly. It's going to be very interesting to see your reaction to him and his antics. We're all only human (even fictional characters) but sometimes...

3

I woke up the next morning with a damn hangover and a voicemail from my husband. I am so thankful that I have the day off, because at this rate, getting out of bed is going to be a big challenge. I know that if I get up now, the headache relief is only a few steps away, but my stomach isn’t in the mood for movement. I know, too, that if that mood further sours, the toilet is also a few steps away.

I decided to wait things out and lie in bed a little longer. After all, I have plenty of thinking to do, right? I have to consider what kind of pet to get, since I won’t be getting a dog. I have to consider what do about my marriage. I have to consider the fact that my husband is acting out of character once again. I have to consider the fact that he may or may not be cheating on me. I also have to consider if my husband’s recent strange behavior relates to him being off his meds again. So I have plenty to think about, but I don’t want to think about any of it.

What if he does cheat on me with Brian? It’s clear that being around the man has caused feelings to surface. I don’t know why those feelings didn’t surface when he was in California for that month back in February and March, though. Or maybe they did and he never said anything. I mean, the guy was off his meds for how long? It’s so hard to take anything that happened in that time seriously, you know? But I have to consider the possibility that he and Brian are developing old feelings for each other.

With a sigh, I slowly got out of bed, reminding myself that drinking like a fish worked when I was a teenager, but approaching the age of 30, it only serves to make me miserable. I managed to keep my stomach happy when I swallowed the painkillers and decided that a shower would benefit me. Anthony must’ve made it home last night, but I’ll find out when I get downstairs.

I had to call Jimmy today that was for sure. If I remember his email correctly, he’s off today, so we’ll have time to talk. We have been putting off decision making for far too long and rather than wait a year to tell him that I’m not leaving Iowa, I’m going to tell him today. He’s going to have his feelings hurt, but I have to get that over with. It’s sort of like when I went behind his back to tell our parents we weren’t moving home; it was time to get that over with, even if he did cave in to the pressure.

“Morning Cobs, I’m making breakfast.”

I screamed, dropped the shampoo bottle on my toe and then stuck my wet head out of the shower. Anthony was standing with his back to the bathroom door, clearly shaking with laughter.

“What the hell are you doing in my bathroom?” I asked, starting to laugh as I recovered from my earlier fright. “I thought you went home.”

“I could barely stand up after we got done drinking last night,” he informed me, his back still turned. “I called Annie and told her I’d be home in the morning.”

“Oh. Did you find the guest shower and stuff?”

“I did, and that’s why I’m making breakfast now,” he said, still laughing. “Come on down when you’re done; Annie’s here.”

I finished my shower, got dressed and got downstairs just in time for the pancakes to get done. Anthony was wearing one of my aprons and whistling as he danced to the local rock station. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you what Anthony looks like, but he’s a 6’7” black guy, built like Jimmy's friend Matt (which means he could take me out with one swipe of his hand), and about 250 pounds. This guy is huge. Now, add to the fact that he’s got a pink cast on his leg, and you can see why I burst into laughter immediately.

“What?” Tony asked, and I just pointed at him, grabbing my camera from the counter. He posed this way and that and then we sat down to eat. Yes, sometimes I wonder about him. “He’s never seen me cook, as he Annie?”

His wife shook her head, still laughing. The laughter was the release I needed, though the stress would never be completely gone. We managed to finish our meal, which I thanked Tony for making, and then it was time for he and Annie to leave. They had things to do and they had to get into Omaha before the morning got too late. I waved them off, once again thanking him for the ear last night.

“Take care Jacoby, see you at work,” he said, as Annie pulled out of our driveway. Or was it my driveway?

With a sigh, I sat down in one of the rocking chairs, looking at the remnants of last night. Beer bottles littered the porch, the cooler was more of a small swimming pool right now, and all of my liquor was gone. Granted, I hadn’t had a lot to start with, but we did manage to drink all of the alcohol last night. No wonder I feel like shit today, I thought, looking over the porch. I pulled out my phone to call Jimmy, but then realized that it was six in the morning out there. He was probably sleeping and hated to be woken up with a phone call unless it was important. It’s not that this isn’t important, but I want him to be awake and alert when I call.

I wasn’t sure what to do with myself right now. It will take me about 10 minutes to clean the porch, if that. I emptied the bottles out of the cooler and dumped the water into the yard. I then reloaded it with the empties and took them downstairs, placing them in plastic bags for return later. I suppose I could take cans back, since I have about five bags now. I hauled them upstairs and put them in my truck, gathering the ones from the garage and a few loose pop cans from my truck. Since it’s just me right now, it takes longer to get enough cans for redemption.

Once those were secure, I went back in the house and locked up. I needed to mow the lawn, too, I noticed, so I’d do that when I got back. The drive into Mondamin takes me about five minutes, so dropping off cans was a quick job. I was back inside of half an hour, and got the mower out. The gardens were in rare form this year, despite all the rain we’d had, and while I was gone, Eleanor and Hank had sold some early produce for me. Now, I was finally getting tomatoes, beans, peppers, cabbage, you name it.

It’s amazing how much time you can waste when you try. I mowed the entire lawn in three hours, cutting an hour off Jimmy's time. I got out the garden hose and watered the flowers and vegetable gardens, then the fruit trees. I picked mulberries, strawberries, raspberries, and lemons. I checked on our cherry bushes and picked those, then checked on the vegetables. Nothing was even close to ready yet, which wasn’t a big surprise.

“Okay, yard work and gardening are done,” I muttered and looked at my phone. It was one in the afternoon and all at once, I was starving. I went in for a shower, then tossed some burgers on the grill. Jimmy had made a few different kinds of burgers before he left and didn’t want to take them along. “So, lunch, then what?”

I looked around the house and there was nothing for me to do there. I could clean inside, but I did that before I left, and I saw touches of Eleanor around the house. I’ve been cleaning like a maniac when I’m not working, so there’s rarely any housework left. If you’ve guessed by now that I’m lonely, you’d be right. I miss my husband but I refuse to go running out to California when I have a perfectly good job here.

Lunch took about 40 minutes from start to finish. I checked the house and made a grocery list and a general needs list, so I could run into Omaha for that, I guess. I got back in the truck and headed into Omaha. I could probably kill the afternoon with these errands, couldn’t I?

Don’t ask me how, but when I got home at seven that night, not only did I have groceries and personal needs taken care of, but I was also unloading all new stuff for cats. A new litter box, a couple of big bags of food, treats, litter, toys, bowls, you name it. Then, I unloaded Ophelia and Hamlet, recently adopted by yours truly from the Omaha animal shelter. It was an impulse, but I didn’t get a dog the way I’d wanted. I got a brother and sister pair of beautiful tabby cats, grey with black stripes. I put them down in the kitchen and watched the tiny kittens scamper off to hide somewhere, to get settled in. They were a mere six weeks old, the same age Ma and Pa had been when we’d first gotten them.

My phone rang once I got everything put away and I checked the caller I.D. It was Jimmy and I was debating if I wanted to talk to him. I figured I might as well get it over with, though, so I opened my phone and tried to sound cheerful.

“Hey babe,” I said. Okay, I failed miserably, because I sound as lonely as I feel. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad, I’ve got the day off,” he said, and he sounded miserable, too. “Work was tough yesterday, since we had an explosion right at the end of the shift. Burn patients are almost as hard as kids for me to fly. It sounds like the one guy might not make it, but most of the others should.”

“I’m sorry, hon,” I said, understanding how he felt. “How are things otherwise?”

“Fine. I went out with the guys last night,” he said, and I become nervous. Jimmy in a bar at a time like this might not be wise. “Matt made Zach and me honest people. I had one beer and got to drive Brian and Mike home in that rinky dink box Brian calls a car.”

“What does he drive?” I asked, telling myself to tramp down any feelings of nervousness. Jimmy is faithful, after all.

“A fucking Mini Cooper,” he complained and I laughed a little. I tried to imagine my husband in a Mini. “It’s a little cramped. Next time, I’m taking my truck.”

“How are Brian and Mike?” I asked, and hoped I didn’t sound too obvious.

“Fine, fine,” he choked out, and I raised an eyebrow. Before he answered, I’d swear his breath caught in his throat and I recalled Anthony’s words. “Uhm, they’re planning on a long engagement.”

“I should hope so, if they’ve only been together for four months. I’d hope they haven’t old a lot of people about this engagement. That would be rushing a bit,” I pointed out, and again, I swear I heard him say something under his breath. I slammed my hand on the counter and decided to have it out with him. “What the fuck is wrong with you, James?”

“What?” he asked and for once, he sounded normal. In fact, he sounded offended.

“Look,” I said, taking a deep, calming breath. “You’ve been acting strangely of late. I’m going to hope to God you’re still on your meds, because if you’re not, I’m going to fly out there and strangle you.”

“Do you not trust me any longer, Jacoby?” he shouted, and I sighed, because I had wanted to avoid a shouting match. “For God’s sake, I thought we were past that! Of course I’m still on my fucking medication!”

“Well than what the hell is wrong with you?!” I shouted, glad that my new pets weren’t in the room. I suspected Ma and Pa would be in hiding by now; they hated the fights we had. “I come out there and it’s like you’re in some sort of shell again, like when we first started going out. You tell me that the problem is that you got a permanent job but I don’t fucking buy it! Are you pregnant? Are you fucking your ex?”

“Excuse me?” he roared and I realized I’d crossed a line without realizing it. “Is that what you think? That Brian and I have something going on? Forgive me saying, but I’m a married man! He’s about to be married! Why the hell would Chig and I be—“

“Chig? Isn’t that your pet name for him?” I shouted, recognizing the nickname he’d confided in me when I was still getting to know him. He’d told me about the names he and Brian had for each other, and I knew that Chig was of them. It’d slipped out when he was drinking one night when they were 15, and it had stuck. “Why the hell are you calling him Chig?”

“Because that’s what I call him!” he argued, and I shook my head, feeling even more upset. “It’s time to be honest, Jimmy. Are you on your meds?”

“Yes!”

“Are you pregnant?”

“Kind of hard to be pregnant when we’re thousands of miles apart!”

“Are you with Brian?”

“NO!”

I sighed, and I forced myself to believe him. “I’m going to believe you, Jimmy,” I said, and I heard him snort at me. “But trust me, if you stray…”

“Why the hell would I stray?” he asked in a slightly strangled voice. I tried to ignore that, but it was hard. I heard a knock on his door before it creaked open. “I’m married, Jacoby, in case you forgot.”

“I know you’re married. I also know that you’re out there without me and that your ex is very close to you,” I said, hoping I wasn’t going to ruin what we had. “I know that we’ve got a lot of decisions to make, but I want to trust you to stay true to us, got me?”

“Is that how little you think of me? I know that we’ve had our problems, Jack, but honestly! I’m on my meds, I’ve got a great job and I thought I had a husband I could trust.”

“You can trust me, and I can trust you,” I said, looking out the west window. The sun was setting and the sky was pink and purple and it was so beautiful. “But let’s make sure we keep this trust.”

“We will,” he said, and I nodded. “I love you, Jacoby, and I won’t do anything to ruin it.”

“I love you, too,” I said, and hung up. But I didn’t feel very good about the situation.

I was still awake, but was downstairs watching bad movies.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'm starting to feel like these two are the exception that proves the rule!

No worries! We ran her around the park for two hours, had lunch, another hour and a half in the backyard, one meltdown (i.e. 'I'm tired but won't admit it') and then down for a nap yesterday! *slept well last night*

I agree...I kind of see these two where my bf and I are right now. Bf is still in that madly in love, can't live without me stage. I'm in that we've been together 11 years, I love you, but back off stage. I really think that's where these two are right now...and I don't think they know it or how to fix it.

4

I hung up with Jacoby and looked to see who had entered my room. Brian came in, smiling, and I returned the smile, hoping that I could keep myself under control. I no longer have feelings for him, but for some reason, I become quite happy when he walks in. He sat on the bed near me and I waited for him to speak.

“I came for the car,” he explained and I nodded, not sure how I’d forgotten to take the tin can back. “Thanks for driving last night. I forgot about your five year thing when I said to get smashed.”

“It’s okay,” I said, with a dismissive wave of my hand. Is it me or is it hot in here? Brian also seems to have moved closer to me for some reason. I am not going down that road again. “I didn’t mind. Did you and Mike get to bed okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, nodding. Silence hung over us like a lead balloon. There were things unspoken, but I wasn’t going to do it first. In fact, I’d been afraid of this. “So, uhm, how are things with Jacoby?”

“Good. We had a fight on the phone, but we resolved it. We’ve got a few decisions to make, but that phone call wasn’t the one to make them on, I guess,” I said, squirming a bit. I don’t have feelings for Brian anymore, so why do I feel this way? “How are you and Mike doing?”

“Good,” he said, squirming a bit on his own. “He, uh, he’s really excited about the wedding, whenever we decide to have it. We’re taking it slow, since we’re only going on five months and all.”

“As long as you’re happy,” I said, not sure what in the world I meant by that. “Marriage can be fun.”

“And challenging,” he said pointedly. I got the hint, and he was right. But I wasn’t going to cave like that. “So, uhm, how are you doing settling in?”

“Fine,” I said, looking at him. God he was gorgeous. “I’m settled at work for the most part, though I’ve got a bitch of a nurse that has turned a lot of people weird against me.”

“Can you do something about it?” he asked, and I shook my head. “Why not? Isn’t that discrimination?”

“No, because I’m not being denied anything. They just won’t talk to me, or they act weird around me. As long as I’m not denied a job or something, there’s nothing I can do but try to make friends with them. Some of them are coming around, but it’s taking a while.”

“Well, I hope they come around,” he said, as his phone buzzed. He checked his texts then responded, standing. “I better go, or I’ll be late for my date with Mike. But we go out most Friday nights, so feel free to come any time.”

“I will,” I said, giving him a tight hug. He walked out the door and I waited until it was closed before running into my bathroom. Damn him and my non-feelings!

***

I managed to beg off the first Friday night out at the bar, since I had to work Saturday and Sunday, but I knew I couldn’t avoid Brian forever. I’m faithful to my husband no matter the problems we’re having, I reminded myself. That night did not happen. I know that I’ve been denying it, but I’ll finally admit it: my feelings for Brian are coming back. I don’t know why, because when I was out here in February I didn’t feel a damn thing for him, I’m pretty sure. That one night doesn’t count. I can’t understand why me, a married man, is having feelings for an ex. I’ve never had that happen before…although Brian is my only ex that counts. I’m sure I had a few boyfriends or girlfriends when I got to Iowa, but I don’t remember much of that time.

“Jimmy?” a voice asked, and I looked up from my book to see my sister Katie standing over me. She was blocking the sun, which I had protected myself from this time, glad my sunburn had healed. “I wanted to talk.”

I nodded, pulling myself to the shore, since I was out on my raft again. I sat up and put my book in a dry spot on the sand, then waited for my sister to begin. I have a feeling I know what this talk is about, but I’m not sure I want to have it.

“I understand you and Jacoby were fighting earlier?” she asked, and I nodded, figuring she meant our fight from a few days ago. “And you’re feeling something for Brian again?”

I looked up at her, wide-eyed. I hadn’t told a soul about that, so how in the world had she figured that out?

“You didn’t have to say anything,” she said, and her face was very stern. “I was in the bar the same night you were, Jimmy, with my friends. You might not have realized it, but you and Brian were exchanging looks all night. My friend Mariah lives next door to Brian and we were outside when you brought them home. I heard him call you Jimmy-Pop and no one can call you that but Brian. What’s the deal?”

“There’s no deal,” I insisted, glaring at her from behind my sunglasses. I love my sister, but really. “Brian and I are close friends and that’s it. There’s nothing going on between us, despite anything you or Jacoby seem to think.”

“Jacoby is suspicious as well? Then that ought to say something about how close the two of you are,” she said, building a little pile of sand next to her. “Don’t screw up your marriage, Jimmy. It’s already in peril and you need to decide what you’re going to do before you move on.”

“I’m not moving on,” I said, shaking my head. “Why does everyone think my marriage is over? Because I’d like to know when it ended, really.”

“It’s not that, Jim,” she said, shaking her head. “But things are strained right now, between the two of you, you have to admit. You ran out here for a job and he’s staying back in Iowa. Why did you really come out here, Jimmy?”

“For a job.” I repeated her earlier words, wondering why people were having such a hard time believing me. “I came here for a job. I came here because there was a job, which is more than I can say for Iowa.”

“You could’ve gone back to Creighton, since you were wrongly terminated. Therefore, a job was just the excuse. What’s the real reason you’re out here?”

“I’m out here for a God damn job!” I shouted, flailing my hands in the air at her. I love my sister, she’s my go-to, my confidant, but right now, she’s irritating. “Why is that so hard to believe?!”

“Because I know what happened in February,” she said, cocking her head to the side and I paled. She knew about that? “Yes, Jimmy, I know about that. I take it you’ve conveniently forgotten about it?”

“Uhm,” I gulped, as she stood up. She sat on my raft and put an arm around me. “What do you want to do with that knowledge?”

“That depends. I’m not going to blackmail you, Jimmy. But I know what happened, because I saw it. Brian isn’t very good about pulling his shades sometimes, and I was at my friend’s house, checking on it while she was gone. I saw that his bedroom light was on and I glanced over in time to see you two going at it on his bed. This isn’t going to do anything for your marriage, Jimmy, so you need to come clean very soon.”

“I can’t tell him, he’ll divorce me in a second,” I said, feeling my lower lip trembling. “I don’t feel anything for Brian, Katie, I swear!”

“Then what was that night in February? Was that just a fling to see if there was anything there? What about the other night? Mom has noticed that when Brian leaves, you spend a lot of time in your room. What’s going on, Jimmy, and don’t lie.”

“I—I—“ but I couldn’t say it, because I didn’t want to admit what I think might have happened that night, even to Katie. I could tell her anything, but this wasn’t so easy. “That night, well, it started off innocently, you know?”

She nodded, understanding that it was kind of clichéd. I sighed, and finally decided to come clean.

I knocked on the door of the white, two-story house in a nice, quiet neighborhood and resisted the urge to laugh. Brian did not strike me as Mr. Domestic, but so far, he was putting on quite a show. The door opened and Brian smiled, pulling me inside. I embraced him, relieved to be back in his arms once again. For 10 years I’d been lost without him, trying to reconstruct my memory, and for the last two, I’ve seen him off and on for one month in the summer. Jacoby has no idea how close we’ve been since we were reunited, and I’m sorry I ever left him. I was 16 and dumb, but that doesn’t excuse it.

“How much longer are you home?” he asked, handing me a beer. I could have one and he knew that was it. I sat down with him on the couch and slouched a bit.

“Two more days,” I said, sighing. I didn’t want to go back, but I had to. “I haven’t found a job or anything yet, so I’ve got to go back and keep trying.”

“That’s too bad. We should have a night out before you leave. What about tomorrow night? You don’t drink, so you won’t be flying hung over or anything.”

“I’m good with that,” I said, nodding. A night out sounded just right before I went back home and got into all the tension. I sighed, and finished my beer, wishing I could have another one. “I’ll need one more night of relaxation before I head home.”

“Are things bad at home?” he asked, putting his own empty beer bottle aside. I sat up when he gestured for me to do so, and soon enough he was rubbing my shoulders. I was starting to relax and it felt good.

“Kind of,” I said, smiling. His hands were expertly working out all the knots. “Just stressful. I’m trying to find a job, and keep sane. There’s just a lot of tension in our house, that’s all.”

He nodded, as my eyes slipped closed, as he kept rubbing my shoulders. I don’t know for certain what happened next, but we went upstairs. I was looking lustfully at him, the same as he was for me, and I started to doubt my marriage. I kissed Brian deeply, my conscience screaming at me to stop, but I was in love. His shirt came off; my shirt came off, his pants followed by my pants. The next thing I know he’s slamming into me and we’re in the throes of the most the most passionate sex I’ve had in a long time.

“Oh Jimmy,” Katie said, shaking her head. I hung my head in shame, tears falling from my eyes. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” I sobbed, and felt her arm around me. “I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t drunk, I was just stressed out and lonely. I don’t know how it happened, either, it’s just he was rubbing my shoulders and then we were naked. I never should’ve gone over there, Katie, I should’ve said no thanks and stayed home. But I wanted to see him one last time you know?”

“You have to tell Jacoby, Jimmy,” she said, but I shook my head violently. There was no way in hell Jacoby could know about this. Something moved in the corner of my eye, but after a quick glance, I figured it was just the neighbors. “Yes, Jimmy, you have to tell him. If anything happened that night, Jacoby deserves to know.”

I shook my head; there was no way I was going to confess to that. I wasn’t on my meds at that time and I wasn’t thinking straight. That’s what happened and ever since, we’ve been very careful around each other. She can’t tell Jacoby, because my marriage will be over.

“Jimmy—“ she said, but the text tone on my phone saved me. I flipped it open and gulped at Brian’s message: Mike just called; he found out about February. He’s pissed and we’re on hold. I need to talk to you.

“Shit,” I muttered, texting him back and telling him to come over. I looked over at Katie and her eyes asked me to tell her what was going on. “Somehow, Mike found out about February, and they’re on hold. Brian’s on his way over.”

“It’s time to fess up Jimmy,” she said, but I kept shaking my head. I was more worried how Mike had found out, and I was even more concerned when Jacoby’s ring tone sounded, as I saw someone coming from the neighbor’s stretch of beach. The shadow looked like Mike, but I wasn’t aware that he lived so close.

“Coby?” I asked, hoping my voice wasn’t nearly as shaky as I thought it was. “How’s it going?”

“It was going fine until I got a call from an unknown number,” he said, and I shuddered. “Turns out Mike has been doing some digging into things and listening to conversations. Care to tell me who you’re more in love with? Me or Brian? Because I hate to think I fucked you raw so often and you were getting fucked raw by Brian on the side. What the hell is going on, Jimmy?”

“I—“ I sputtered, but no words came out. “I wasn’t myself, you know that!”

“Jimmy, I’m sick of this,” Jacoby shouted, and I flinched, knowing that Mike, who was now visible, and Katie could hear me. Brian joined us and I knew things were going to from bad to worse. I could swear I saw Mike smirk. “We’re done. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer and the divorce will go through faster than you can blink. You ruined your job out here by going off your meds and then you ran to California without me. Now I find out you’ve been fucking Brian behind my damn back? I can’t do this anymore, Jimmy!”

“I’m sorry, Coby,” I sobbed, but I knew it wasn’t doing any good right now. I just prayed to God that he’d cool off before he made any hasty decisions. “I’m so sorry, Coby. I wasn’t acting like myself; I was off my damn meds!”

“Are you fucking off them now?” he shouted, but I shook my head.

“NO!” I shouted, wondering how much harder the tears could fall.

“We’re through, Jimmy. I knew something was going on, but I trusted you. You broke that trust, Jimmy, and you’ll be speaking to my lawyer next.”

He hung up and I covered my face, ignoring the voices around me. Mike and Brian were fighting, I suppose, and Katie was just trying to make me feel better. But there was no comfort to be had, because my marriage had ended, and it was my entire fault.