[This is not editied, as I wanted it to be honest and rough, maybe a little raw. Typos are forgiven, I think...]
***
In one minute, it will have been one year since you left us. I am going to celebrate your life on this day, if I can. I will have to do so quietly, privately, as I'll be around people most of the day. I will try not to cry too hard for you, because you were so full of life and laughter. I'm not the most outgoing person, I don't laugh a lot, but I don't feel right being sad all day.
I'll never forget figuring out who you were. I confess my love of A7X didn't get started on the right foot, so to speak. I saw a Good Charlotte video, for The River and wondered who the hell M. Shadows and Synyster Gates were. Then, since I was heading to bed at the time, I kind of scoffed and thought 'who has such dumb names?'. The next day, I got into Napster and went for the Good Charlotte record. In the process, I researched those 'stupid names' and realized I kind of liked you guys. I even had three of your songs!
After that, I realized what an amazing band A7X was. I fell in love with your drumming and then finally got to see pictures of you: you were a very handsome man! I loved the music, the drumming, you name it. I fell hard for A7X and my friends put up with my new obsession.
In January of 2008, I was into my second semester of a second college degree. But I barely passed because I got distracted: I was writing a novel. You were the inspiration for that novel and even the main character. Somewhere after that, I joined Mibba and got writing. I hadn't written a damn thing (except some HORRIBLE poetry) in around two years. I had lost my inspiration, though I don't know why. I don't even know what brought it back, but I credit you, because I thought of the story with you in mind and it took off. To this day, I write about you but you've inspired some original fiction which also hasn't happened in years. I now some people look down on fanfiction, but I'm not ashamed of it. It's helped me get my writing muscles back in shape and I will always be grateful for that.
I want to thank you for getting me to write again. I want to thank you for being my muse and helping me through those rough spots in my writing. I want to thank you for listening to me when I'm not comfortable talking to anyone else. I don't know if you really hear me, but I feel better venting to you either way. I know you're around...I've had some moments that can only be explained by your presence.
I confess, Jimmy, that some days, I envy you. You are in a better place, you have no more worries, no more problems. I'm going through hell right now and I know that I can talk to friends or my SO, but sometimes, I feel alone. I feel like I've talked to them so much they don't want to hear it. I know that's not true, but it happens sometimes. I'm at my wits end, Jimmy, but I'm going to stick it out. When it gets really hard to move forward, I have to more forward. I don't know when this hell will end, or if it will end, but I'll be a stronger person at the end.
I keep hoping that the magical cure to my hell will come week by week, but it never does. Yet somehow, I hang on. I've had some good moments in this hell, and I suppose that helps. But there's a big part of me that knows that if I did end it all right now, I'd have three very unhappy people meeting me upstairs. My grandma, my great aunt, and you...and I don't want to think of the tongue lashing I'd get from the three of you. So I keep looking for a job, I keep reminding myself that I've got my SO, who keeps the roof over our head and the food on the table. He helps me out in tight financial spots and I can vent to him from time to time.
I know that we don't communicate in dreams much, you and I. You were in my dream the other night, and I appreciated that. I keep hoping that I'll see you in my dreams again, like I did in the beginning. I could really use a Jimmy hug, because I hear they're amazing. But I know that when I need you most, you'll be there for me. I am content to think that you're walking over all of us.
So, Jimmy, I hope that you are happy wherever you are. I hope that you know how much you are missed. I hope you know how much you are appreciated and loved. I know that I love you very much, even though we never met and I never saw you live. I'll always regret botching my chance to see you play live...and the ironic thing? That show that I gave up the chance for is finally getting rescheduled: I'll see A7X for the second time in February. And the more ironic thing? I told my friend Amber, when we realized that the Waterloo show wasn't going to work (I gave it up for a Sioux City date that got postponed), I wasn't worried. I'll see A7X in the summer of 2010 and meet Jimmy then. Well, I saw A7X for the first time in August, Jimmy. But I didn't get to see you play or meet you. I still had the time of my life, though, and I look forward to February, too.
Well, I've rambled enough, Jimmy. I'm going to head to bed and we'll have a little chat again tonight, as we always do before I turn in for the night. I'm sure I'll cry a little, but hopefully the morning will bring a smile to my face. I want to celebrate your life and I'm kind of glad I have things to do, to keep me busy. But when my day is over, I will have a non-alocoholic drink for you. I don't have any candles to light (no money means no fun stuff like candles), but I don't think you care. I have a letter coming to you, even though I doubt you'll be able to read it.
Good night, Jimmy. Sleep well, and rest in peace.
***
In one minute, it will have been one year since you left us. I am going to celebrate your life on this day, if I can. I will have to do so quietly, privately, as I'll be around people most of the day. I will try not to cry too hard for you, because you were so full of life and laughter. I'm not the most outgoing person, I don't laugh a lot, but I don't feel right being sad all day.
I'll never forget figuring out who you were. I confess my love of A7X didn't get started on the right foot, so to speak. I saw a Good Charlotte video, for The River and wondered who the hell M. Shadows and Synyster Gates were. Then, since I was heading to bed at the time, I kind of scoffed and thought 'who has such dumb names?'. The next day, I got into Napster and went for the Good Charlotte record. In the process, I researched those 'stupid names' and realized I kind of liked you guys. I even had three of your songs!
After that, I realized what an amazing band A7X was. I fell in love with your drumming and then finally got to see pictures of you: you were a very handsome man! I loved the music, the drumming, you name it. I fell hard for A7X and my friends put up with my new obsession.
In January of 2008, I was into my second semester of a second college degree. But I barely passed because I got distracted: I was writing a novel. You were the inspiration for that novel and even the main character. Somewhere after that, I joined Mibba and got writing. I hadn't written a damn thing (except some HORRIBLE poetry) in around two years. I had lost my inspiration, though I don't know why. I don't even know what brought it back, but I credit you, because I thought of the story with you in mind and it took off. To this day, I write about you but you've inspired some original fiction which also hasn't happened in years. I now some people look down on fanfiction, but I'm not ashamed of it. It's helped me get my writing muscles back in shape and I will always be grateful for that.
I want to thank you for getting me to write again. I want to thank you for being my muse and helping me through those rough spots in my writing. I want to thank you for listening to me when I'm not comfortable talking to anyone else. I don't know if you really hear me, but I feel better venting to you either way. I know you're around...I've had some moments that can only be explained by your presence.
I confess, Jimmy, that some days, I envy you. You are in a better place, you have no more worries, no more problems. I'm going through hell right now and I know that I can talk to friends or my SO, but sometimes, I feel alone. I feel like I've talked to them so much they don't want to hear it. I know that's not true, but it happens sometimes. I'm at my wits end, Jimmy, but I'm going to stick it out. When it gets really hard to move forward, I have to more forward. I don't know when this hell will end, or if it will end, but I'll be a stronger person at the end.
I keep hoping that the magical cure to my hell will come week by week, but it never does. Yet somehow, I hang on. I've had some good moments in this hell, and I suppose that helps. But there's a big part of me that knows that if I did end it all right now, I'd have three very unhappy people meeting me upstairs. My grandma, my great aunt, and you...and I don't want to think of the tongue lashing I'd get from the three of you. So I keep looking for a job, I keep reminding myself that I've got my SO, who keeps the roof over our head and the food on the table. He helps me out in tight financial spots and I can vent to him from time to time.
I know that we don't communicate in dreams much, you and I. You were in my dream the other night, and I appreciated that. I keep hoping that I'll see you in my dreams again, like I did in the beginning. I could really use a Jimmy hug, because I hear they're amazing. But I know that when I need you most, you'll be there for me. I am content to think that you're walking over all of us.
So, Jimmy, I hope that you are happy wherever you are. I hope that you know how much you are missed. I hope you know how much you are appreciated and loved. I know that I love you very much, even though we never met and I never saw you live. I'll always regret botching my chance to see you play live...and the ironic thing? That show that I gave up the chance for is finally getting rescheduled: I'll see A7X for the second time in February. And the more ironic thing? I told my friend Amber, when we realized that the Waterloo show wasn't going to work (I gave it up for a Sioux City date that got postponed), I wasn't worried. I'll see A7X in the summer of 2010 and meet Jimmy then. Well, I saw A7X for the first time in August, Jimmy. But I didn't get to see you play or meet you. I still had the time of my life, though, and I look forward to February, too.
Well, I've rambled enough, Jimmy. I'm going to head to bed and we'll have a little chat again tonight, as we always do before I turn in for the night. I'm sure I'll cry a little, but hopefully the morning will bring a smile to my face. I want to celebrate your life and I'm kind of glad I have things to do, to keep me busy. But when my day is over, I will have a non-alocoholic drink for you. I don't have any candles to light (no money means no fun stuff like candles), but I don't think you care. I have a letter coming to you, even though I doubt you'll be able to read it.
Good night, Jimmy. Sleep well, and rest in peace.
