Rescue Me (Jimmy/Jacoby)

17

Let me tell you how much it sucks being sick. I’m burning up PTO that I’ve saved for our vacation home this summer, and it’s going to be hard to earn it back. I mean, I’ll get my hours and all once I get back, but I’ll be short this check and that’s going to sting a little. I’m feeling slightly better now than yesterday, but not much. I’m sure it’s one part stress and one part lack of sleep from worry.

I could smell breakfast going on downstairs and I thought about joining them. I decided that if I could get through a walk to the bathroom, a shower, and getting dressed, I’d join them. I got to the bathroom, did what needed done, then made it back as far as the bed. No shower, no getting dressed, just getting back to bed. I felt like I was freezing one minute and burning hot the next. Jimmy was being kept quarantined from me, because of his lungs; he catches everything he’s exposed to, almost, and he didn’t need to be down with this.

I wanted to be there for Jimmy the most right now, at the start of his therapy. It was hard to be down when he was going through hell. I know he’ll find his ways to cope, but I still feel bad that I can’t be there for him right now. Mom assures me that it’s better if he has less people ‘there for him’, but I still feel bad. He’s my husband and despite all of our recent fighting, I still love him.

With a sigh, I rolled over and went to sleep, hoping I’d feel better when I woke up. I wanted to talk to Jimmy, once again, about rescheduling our anniversary, even though we’ve missed it by almost a month at this point. January 10th was our anniversary and if my addled brain had counted right, it’d be around the end of the first week of February. Jimmy’s birthday would be coming up on the ninth, and maybe we could celebrate our anniversary the day after.

I don’t recall falling asleep or how long I slept, but as hoped, I felt better when I woke up. I was sweating to beat hell, and sat up in bed just as my mother came in to check on me. She went to get the thermometer and stuck it in my left ear. There was a mechanical click, then a short beep and she smiled.

“Your fever broke,” she announced and I nodded.

“I feel a lot better,” I said, getting out of bed. “I’m going to go shower. Is Jimmy at his appointment yet?”

“He went this morning and is already back,” she said, starting to strip the bedding. “You can talk to him after your shower. Are you hungry?”

“I am, actually,” I said, entering the bathroom. I stripped off and started warming the shower, ready to be rid of whatever illness had plagued me for the last 24 hours. I had been scheduled off today, but was supposed to work tomorrow and would like to get back.

After my shower, I actually felt like getting dressed and looking decent for a change. Once I was ready, mom took me downstairs and got some toast and cereal ready to go. It was best to start easy even if I hadn’t had any stomach upset during this stretch. As I sat and ate, I heard Jimmy’s office door open and he soon came and sat with me at the table.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, smiling at me.

“Much better. My fever broke, so I should be able to go back to work tomorrow,” I said, smiling. His face fell and I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Just be glad you can work. I miss my chopper,” he said, and his voice was heavy with sadness.

“I hear through the grapevine that your chopper misses you, too,” I said, taking his hand. “You’ll get back to it. You seem to be in a pretty good mood for having been to a session.”

“I’ve got a new counselor,” he said, and his smile returned. “She won’t touch my routines for a few sessions yet. She’ll work on them a little bit through our talks, but she’s getting to the bottom of them before she eliminates them. Then, when we do start working on getting rid of them, she’s going to go one at a time, starting with a flexible routine and working up to the big ones.”

“That’s great,” I said, smiling. I finished my breakfast and sat back in my chair. “I’m glad you’ve found someone who’s going to work out for you.”

“Me, too. I have your mom to thank,” he said, looking out the kitchen window. It was snowing lightly, and I sighed. This winter needed to end, because Jimmy’s been hard to deal with. Thanks to the events that lead to his near death, he not only battles PTSD but depression as well. I could see a difference in him this morning, though and I said as much.

“Could be the Paxil,” he said, looking contemplative. “I’ve been on it a couple of weeks now, so it might be getting started, finally.”

“I hope it works for you,” I said. I wasn’t sure why I felt compelled to say something then, but I did. It’s kind of like the feeling you get when someone passes away; you feel the need to say something just for the sake of having said it.

Jimmy nodded and smiled, but I knew that underneath his happiness was a man in a panic.

***

The next few days were somewhat peaceful, amazingly. Jimmy went to his appointments and came back a little less panicked each time. I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said a quiet affair at home was fine. His folks were here; my mom and his sisters were still here, so that was what he wanted to do. His sisters and my mom would have to leave in a few days, so he wanted to spend as much time as possible with them.

I helped plan the meal for his birthday, making sure he had everything that would make him happy. Two nights before his birthday, he and I were lying in bed and I decided to broach the sensitive subject of our anniversary.

“Uhm,” I started, rolling over to look at him. “I don’t know if I should even be asking this but I wondered if, on the 10th, you might want to, you know, reschedule? I have the 9th, 10th, and 11th, off.”

Jimmy was quiet for a long moment and I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. He’d been making progress, according to a report from his therapist. Jimmy had authorized his family and me to receive progress reports and after just a week of sessions, he was already making good progress. Routines would be allowed to continue for a few more weeks, and then slowly dissolved. Just as I was thinking he’d resumed his angry silence at me, he turned over and sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he started, and I was glad it was dark. He wouldn’t see the angry frown on my face at his rejection, once again, of our anniversary celebration. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I talked with Karen for a long time while she salvaged what was left of my hair and she said her daughter is having a hard time right now as well. She made a good point: I need to decide what’s more important: you or my routines. The answer is clear, of course, that you are more important to me.”

I was feeling less angry now, and wrapped an arm around him as he continued, nuzzling his neck.

“So, in answer to your question: yes, I would love to reschedule.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised and confused. “You’re willing to reschedule?”

“I am,” he said, and I heard his pillow rustle as he nodded his head. “I’ve been talking to friends, too, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I was a fool last month. I know I acted out of anger and panic, but I was also acting foolish. Our 10th is a onetime occurrence. I realize we’ve missed it by a long, angry month, but I’m willing to reschedule it.”

“We’ll do that on the 10th, then,” I said, smiling broadly. “We’ll do exactly what we had planned, too. We’ll visit our places and people, take in a show and a meal, and then come home and make your parents wish the bedroom was sound proof.”

“Do we have to wait?” he asked suggestively and I grabbed him into a kiss he’d never forget. It had been over a month without intimacy, and I wasn’t going to lose my chance.

***

The next morning, I woke with Jimmy still wrapped in my arms. I smiled, wishing I didn’t have to work today. But it was time to get up and moving and I carefully extracted myself from his grasp. I was exhausted, since an early night had turned into a somewhat late one. I dragged myself through my shower, then got dressed in my uniform. I had almost made it out the door without waking Jimmy when his voice came from the darkness.

“Have a good day at work,” he said, and I went to his side off the bed. I leaned down and kissed him.

“I will. Good luck with therapy today,” I said, hugging him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he responded, as I stood up again and headed for work.

The drive in was as dull as ever, considering it was dark out. I was looking forward to the few days before daylight savings time when it would be light in the mornings. I took the exit for Creighton and wound my way through the streets of Omaha, filled with early morning commuters. The streets would be three times as crowded in another hour, when the morning rush hit.

Once I’d parked, I made my way across the snow-packed parking lot and into the ER. I clocked in and put my coat and other things in my locker, then loaded my pockets. With Jimmy’s recent moods, we had both been leaving scissors and other such things at work as a precaution. By the time I had everything I needed, it was time to get my assignment for the day. I couldn’t wait until my paramedic course was finished; I had managed to keep up with the course work during Jimmy’s recent problems. I just wanted to be done for the fact that I could do more at work and get a much needed pay raise.

“Morning, Coby,” Anthony called, waving. I returned the gesture and nodded at him. “It’s you and me today. ER’s quiet now, but we’ve had warm enough temps that people are out pushing snow. We haven’t seen a few frequent fliers in a bit, so be prepared for a busy one.”

“That and everyone will forget about the refreeze, so we’ll have early morning accidents, too,” I pointed out, as the departing night EMTs came over. The morning shift gathered with steaming cups of coffee and we got report. Finally, we told the night shift to sleep well and got to work. This morning, work was mostly standing around, twiddling our thumbs.

“How’s Jimmy coming?” Sean asked, coming out of his office with stacks of papers in hand. “I’ve got the March schedule, guys, be sure to check your days. I put Jimmy down for his usual full time hours, so if that needs to change, let me know.”

“Thanks. He got a new therapist, and he’s doing better. She’s not tackling routines for a few weeks yet, but she’s getting him to talk, which is important,” I said, sipping at my go-juice. Coffee was truly nectar from the Gods. “He’s also on medication and it’s starting to slowly kick in. The change of seasons will help, of course, and I think he’s going to be okay. He’s not happy about having the month off, though. He’s using the PTO he’d saved for our vacation this summer.”

Sean frowned; he knew how important our summer trip home was and knew that we’d been saving like crazy to go. With Jimmy’s hospital bills, though, and therapy, we weren’t going to go.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking at the schedule. “I didn’t even think…it’s just that I knew he needed the time off.”

“It’s okay. With his recent hospital stay and the therapy, we’re probably not going to be going anyway,” I said, shaking my head. “Family is here now, so this will have to do. I know Dr. Mathias wanted to get us out there, but that won’t be possible now.”

“If that changes, let me know,” Sean said, and I nodded. I wasn’t too upset, since everyone was here now, but I knew that Jimmy could easily have another horrible meltdown at the realization that we wouldn’t be able to afford our vacation this summer.

“How’s Jimmy going to take that news?” Anthony asked, sitting behind the nurse’s station. He leaned back in the blue chair and stretched.

“I don’t know. The doctor sent home Ativan boluses, but we haven’t used them yet. I suppose I should have one on standby when I mention this. We haven’t gotten the bill yet, but it’s coming. I checked with the business office and it’s been submitted to insurance, so we’ll see.”

“I’m sure it won’t be cheap. He was on psych, and they’ll charge for the Ativan, the number of days, the counseling, and any other meds he got. That’s not going to be cheap. Plus, the ongoing counseling isn’t cheap, either,” Hollister said, joining the pair. “I hope you can still go on vacation, Coby.”

“Me, too,” I said, with a sigh. “If not, I don’t know if Jimmy’s stable enough to handle not going.”

“Can his family help him go out there or break the news to him?”

“I’m going to do some number crunching with HR first,” I said, thinking that Hollister had a good idea. “He’ll earn the PTO back by July, that’s not a problem. It’s the money that’s the problem. I don’t want to ask his parents for money since they’d been good enough to come out here for this.”

“Talk to them,” Anthony said, as his pager sounded, my following a few seconds later. There was an accident five blocks from here, and they needed multiple ambulances. The day shift mobilized and we all headed out to our first call of the day.

I climbed into the back with Anthony as Mark, a new team member, got into the driver’s seat. The short drive gave me time to think and I decided that it couldn’t hurt to at least talk to Jimmy's family before I broke the news to him of our canceled vacation. At least, I hoped it wouldn’t hurt.

18

“Excuse me?” I roared later that night. Jacoby was sitting on our bed informing me that going on our usual two week summer vacation to California wasn’t going to happen. It was my fault because I had to be in the hospital for four days and now I was in counseling for weeks, possibly months on end. “Oh, we’re going, Jacoby, believe me, even if we have to walk, we’re going!”

“Jimmy, I don’t think we can. We haven’t gotten the bill yet for your stay, but it won’t be cheap and your counseling sessions aren’t going to be cheap, either. Plus, if you’re still in therapy, you can’t miss two weeks of sessions!”

“How do you know I’m going to be in therapy in July?” I shouted, throwing my hands in the air. I could feel a panic attack starting and I wanted to head it off at the pass. My hands found my unusually short hair and I started to pull at it. Thankfully, Karen had shorn it close to my head, so there wasn’t much for me to pull at. “I might be done!”

“We don’t know that, though!” Jacoby insisted, and I screamed, my fist heading for the nearest wall. It met with a pillow and I growled at my husband. This was how my marriage was of late: Jacoby made a lot of decisions without talking to me first and then expected me to be happy about them. “Your new therapist said it could take time and July isn’t that far away, really.”

“We are not skipping the vacation and that’s FINAL!” I shouted, just barely hearing the bedroom door open. I stalked forward to Jacoby and sighed. “I’m going, even if you don’t. I’m fucking sorry that I had a nervous breakdown and landed on the psych ward for four days. It wasn’t by choice, but no one would let me leave. I wanted to leave! I knew we didn’t have the money for that stay, even with insurance! But no one would let me go home! Now, we have to pay for that, my counseling, my medications and I’m not making just a whole lot of money not working! I have PTO, but that won’t cover the entire month. It’s not my fucking fault that I’m a fucking lunatic and can’t control myself. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a fucking walk!”

“Jimmy!” Jacoby shouted, as I pushed past my father and went downstairs. “Come back here! It’s five degrees outside! It’s midnight! It’s snowing and I don’t want you out there. You are not going out there.”

“That’s how it’s been lately, you know,” I said, pulling on my boots and then my heavy coat. I put on my scarf, my hat and mittens. My thin pajama pants and t-shirt weren’t the best things to wear out there, but they’d have to do. I couldn’t take the time to change. “You make the decisions for me, because clearly I’m not capable of doing it myself. Now, I feel qualified to make my own decisions and I’m making one right now: I’m going out. Do not follow.”

I yanked the door open and stepped on to the porch. The cold air bit into the exposed skin on my face and through the fabric of my pants, but I ignored it and kept walking. I was on my way to the gravel. I’d been talked out of my after supper walk tonight because of the cold, so no one would stop me now. I stomped down the steps and moved to the sidewalk. From there, I walked past the garage and onto our road, looking for any late night traffic. I was already starting to shiver, but I pushed the cold away and kept walking. I pulled my hat down over my eyes a bit more and started my six mile walk. I needed to cool off and this was the best way to do that.

“Fuck him!” I shouted into the night sky, the snowflakes coating my jacket and mittens quickly. “I hate you!”

I kept walking my landmarks visible even in the snow. I was one mile from home now, and I had two miles to go before I’d turn around. I shivered, crossing my arms to keep myself warmer. I knew it was too cold to be out here, but I didn’t care. I was angry and I was tired of having decisions made for me. We have time to save up to go, even with the probably astronomical hospital bill I would have.

“I hate you!” I shouted again, glaring into the falling snow. I hated my life right now and there was a part of me that hoped I froze to death out here. Then, I’d have the release I’d been seeking from the madness in my head. My thoughts got so jumbled when I got panicked or angry and I couldn’t get them straight. I hated fighting and we’d done so much fighting of late that I didn’t know what to do. “Fuck you, Jacoby!”

I walked faster, feeling the cold settling into my bones, but I kept walking. I wasn’t calm yet, and I wasn’t going home until I was calm. I hit the three mile mark and I turned around, heading back for the house. My teeth were chattering, but I was still angry. I saw headlights coming my way, but I kept walking. I slipped on the ice and fell, but I got back up and kept walking. That won’t be the last time I fall on the ice, after all.

I growled as the lights slowed near me, then finally stopped. I kept walking, even as the door to the vehicle opened and my father called to me. I went another few feet, and my truck was beside me, my father begging me to come into the warm interior.

“Fine,” I grumbled, unwilling to admit how good the heat would feel. My legs were numb with cold and I knew I’d be a fool to keep walking. I climbed into the passenger side of the red truck and slammed the door. I put my seatbelt on as dad moved up to the next intersection and turned around. “Why are you out here? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“I was worried,” he said, driving slowly back to the house. The snow was accumulating on the road, and I knew we’d need to plow to get out tomorrow, if we went anywhere. Jacoby was off now for a few days, but we still needed groceries. “You took off after a shouting match with Jacoby. It’s cold out here, Jim, and your lungs won’t appreciate this.”

I coughed and nodded, knowing he was right. My skin was starting to hurt from the sudden heat, but it felt good and I welcomed it. I’d had a minor bout of frost bite before, so I’d handle it if necessary.

“I just don’t understand why he has to make all the decisions in our marriage of late!” I said, as dad turned into the driveway and then into the garage. He turned the truck off and shut the garage door, then turned to me.

“If you’re still in therapy, it might not be wise to miss two weeks,” he said. I opened my mouth to protest, but he shook his head. “However, we could probably work something out. This is the 21st century, after all, and you could have sessions via the internet or Skype or something.”

“True.”

“Now, if money is the problem, I understand were Jacoby is coming from. Hospitals aren’t cheap, and I’m sure the psych ward is no exception. However, your mother and I have offered to foot the bill for the trip and Jacoby agreed.”

“Dad—“

“No protesting,” he said, and I sighed, coughing again. My lungs were angry, but I didn’t care. “We want you guys to get your vacation because we know it’s important to you. We’ll make it work, okay?”

I nodded, getting out of the truck to make the walk inside. I was wheezing now, but it was my own fault. I’d just take my inhaler when we got inside and spend a long, miserable night on my couch. My dad put his arm around me as we walked and I leaned on him a little. No matter my age, I would always appreciate everything my dad did for me.

“Jesus Jimmy!” Jacoby shouted, as soon as I walked in the backdoor. I took off my winter gear and my frigid body was soon engulfed in my husband’s arms. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“It’s okay,” I assured him, aware that he could hear my breathing. “Dad explained the plan and I agree with it.”

“Are you okay?” he asked, as I shivered. I nodded, even though I didn’t feel okay. “Come on, let’s go upstairs and get you to bed.”

“I’m just cold,” I said, reaching into my pocket. I used my inhaler, knowing I’d probably screwed myself over big time. “It’s my fault for storming out of here. I walked three miles and was about two miles from home when dad convinced me to come into the truck.”

We walked through the dark kitchen and up the dark stairs. Everyone was waiting for me and the questions were jumbled as they all asked me if I was okay and what had happened. My mother rubbed my back, trying to warm me up, and I finally assured everyone that I was fine. Jacoby and I went to bed, and I stripped naked, then laid down in bed with him. My feet were numb and so was my nose, as I took my glasses off and huddled under the blankets.

“I’m sorry,” I said, as he held me, trying to warm me up. “Dad explained that we can go on vacation still. Can we still get the time off?”

“Of course. It’s not until July,” Jacoby said, kissing my cheek. “For now, you need to rest. I know your lungs are angry and rest will help. We’ll talk more in the morning, okay? I don’t work now until Tuesday, so we’ve got time.”

I nodded, my eyes already drifting shut. I was exhausted and being cold wasn’t helping. I kissed Jacoby one last time before I gave into the pull of sleep.

***

I woke the next morning warmer, but my lungs were still angry. I had a tendency toward bronchitis at the drop of a hat and being outside last night had probably brought me close to that. I’d had a scarf on during my walk, but I was still up at four in the morning for a breathing treatment. I got out of bed and worked through my usual morning routine. I was getting used to waking at seven, though I was ready to get back to work. I needed to call our timekeeper and see how much PTO I had saved back. I earn some PTO while I’m off, but I don’t know if I’ll be okay this month or not. I was scared to death about my bills, namely my truck payment and truck insurance. Then, we’re talking student loans, because it’s not free to get your EMT, paramedic and flight certifications. I worked hard to get through training to be an EMT, flight nurse and pilot, but it costs money.

With a sigh, I trudged downstairs after getting dressed. The coffee smelled wonderful and I seemed to be the only one up. I looked out the window, and saw that the sun was starting to rise. It would be rising earlier each day until fall came around again. I found the dark depressing today, for some reason, and sighed. I got my breakfast in the usual order, glad that no one was around to tell me otherwise. I loved having houseguests, but they’re insistence that I start now abolishing my routines was wearing thin.

I sat at the table, wondering how my birthday supper would go tonight. I doubted that we’d go anywhere, as Jacoby and I rarely did for my birthday. I preferred a quiet evening at home to his go out to the bar and party. I had no idea if mom and dad had anything planned as a family or not, since my sisters would be leaving on Friday. They’d stayed longer than planned, but had been able to work it out with their employers.

I looked down as something rubbed my ankles and managed to crack a smile. Ma was rubbing against me, purring, and I felt myself relaxing. I was still uptight about the fight last night, even though it was resolved. We’d apologized, mom and dad had come up with a solution, and all was well. For some reason, though, I continued to feel unsettled. I don’t know if it was being off work or what, but I felt like something was still off. I suppose it’s just all this counseling and such that has me off kilter.

I finished my cereal, placing my bowl and spoon in the dishwasher. I took my coffee and retired to my office, priding myself on the one routine change I’d learned to embrace: eating breakfast at the table. I always used to eat at the computer, but I don’t now, and I’m proud of that. I know it’s a minor thing to most people, but for me, that’s a big first step.

I logged on and started going through email and my other internet sites. My counselor had been kind enough to let me have my birthday off, though I’d have to modify our two day anniversary re-schedule, since she wouldn’t let me out of that. I wasn’t happy, but Jacoby assured me it was fine and we could visit Dr. Mathias right after. I agreed, but I didn’t like it.

There was a knock on my door as I finished my internet routine, ready to just check things here and there. I called for the person to enter as I opened an email to write a friend out in California. I typed in the email address and subject, then turned to see who was visiting.

“Good morning,” Katie said, as she curled up on my couch. It was now around eight, so I imagine the rest of the house will start to stir. “How are you feeling after last night?”

“Not bad. My lungs are angry, and I feel like something isn’t right, but otherwise I’m fine.”

“Why would you feel unsettled?” Katie asked, pulling a blanket around herself. “I mean, it got resolved, you both apologized, so what’s left?”

“That’s the problem,” I said, sighing as I leaned back in my desk chair. I could write to Matt later, I figured, so I minimized the window. “I don’t know what’s got me feeling this way. It might be missing work, it might be the knowledge that things are going to change eventually, I don’t know. But something is bothering me.”

“Did you do your normal nighttime routine last night?” she asked, and I thought back.

“Sort of,” I said, pondering. “I’d done it before the fight, so there was little for it after. I did my morning like normal, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the fact that we had another screaming match, you know? We’ve had our fights, of course, but not like we have this last month. I don’t know what changed, Katie, I really don’t.”

She was quiet for a moment, and then she looked at me, and I could see the sadness on her face. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, but I didn’t want to believe it.

“Maybe it was you.”

19

I woke the next morning to find Jimmy already up. No doubt, he’d been up since seven, since we’d at least convinced him to get some extra sleep while he was off. I knew that would make returning to his five a.m. schedule harder at first, but he’d be better off in the long run. I sighed as I sat up and ran my hands over my face. I thought back over the last month and couldn’t believe how horrible it had been. I keep wondering what would’ve happened if the weather had stayed nice; might we have avoided this mess entirely?

My mom tells me it’s not worth wondering what might have been, because it can never be. But I can’t help wondering, you know? I called Jimmy’s friend Brian out in California the other day and commiserated with him for a bit; they’d dated briefly before Jimmy split for Iowa and got heavy into the drugs and such. Brian had had a similar time with Jimmy, one month before he disappeared. I realize now that he was warning me, because if Jimmy’s last big episode of this was 12 years ago, what would happen now?

That thought shot me out of bed and through my shower quick as lightning. I dressed quickly and bolted downstairs, relieved to see his office door closed. His parents and older sister were sitting at the table with mom, who had made her world famous strawberry pancake bake, and they all stared at me for a moment.

“Something wrong?” mom asked, indicating that I should sit down.

“Where’s Jimmy?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“He and Katie are in his office, having a talk,” Barb said, gently pulling me into a seat. “He’s calm, and you should be, too.”

“I know,” I said, wondering if I should explain why I was so uptight. “It’s just…well…Brian reminded me that the last time this happened was 12 years ago.”

The table fell silent and everyone seemed to draw the same conclusion at the same time. His mother was the first one to break the silence.

“We have to trust him,” she said, though I knew she was starting to have her doubts. “After all, this time, he’s got something to work for: his return to work. 12 years ago, he had parents and sisters who were mad at him for the things he’d said or done, he had no job, no home, nothing. He and Brian broke up the day before he left, because Brian couldn’t take the stress and Jimmy wanted out. He hopped a train and we lost him until you found him in that alley.”

I realized then that I knew little about why Jimmy ran away or how long he was on his own before I found him. I wondered if it would pain his mother if I asked, since that little bit of information seemed to bring her down significantly. I decided that I didn’t need to know this information and went about taking some breakfast. I had just started eating when his mother put her fork down and sighed.

“I know he doesn’t talk about it,” she said, wiping her mouth with a yellow napkin. “But Jimmy ran away for a reason all those years ago.”

“Why?” I asked, since she seemed willing to come forth with the information.

She sighed, glancing at her husband. I knew that if this got out and Jimmy didn’t want it to, it’d be world war five in our house.

“Well, about six months before he took off, Jimmy had a huge fight with his father and me. He was having problems with drugs and we confronted him about them. He had all the usual teenage excuses like they weren’t his and such, but we knew better. So, when things didn’t get worked out and we couldn’t take the outbursts any longer, we threw him out. That wasn’t the best course of action, but we did it.

“He moved in with Brian after that, who was also 16 at the time. We heard very little from Jimmy unless he came over to get his things. About six months later, we get a call from Brian, asking if we know where Jimmy is. We hadn’t seen or heard from him for a while, so we had no idea. That’s when we learned that Jimmy and Brian had been fighting, though over what he never said, and Jimmy had left with only a duffel bag.

“We heard nothing further until the night the hospital called. I don’t know how in the world you found us, but we’re glad you did. Jimmy apologized for everything once we had a chance to really sit and talk and it made for a wonderful reunion. Now it’s my turn to ask you: how did you find us?”

“I’m almost embarrassed to say,” I admitted, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks. “But you know those internet websites where you can pay to find people?” his mother nodded, starting to smile. “I plunked down some cash and took my chances. They found you on the fourth try.”

“We’re glad you did,” Joe said, smiling. “How much did it cost?”

“I honestly don’t remember,” I said, smiling. I knew what he wanted to do, but it was so long ago, I don’t have a clue what it cost. “But it was worth it.”

“What was worth it?” Jimmy asked, as he and Katie came into the room. He eyes were red and I knew whatever they’d been talking about had upset him.

“Jacoby finding us,” his mother said and Jimmy smiled, kissing the top of my head.

“I’d have to agree,” he said, as Katie sat down to eat. “Would anyone be offended if Katie and I went into town for a bit when she’s done eating?”

“It’s your birthday, you do what you like,” I said, smiling.

“Thanks,” he said, returning the smile. “I’ll be in my office, Katie, so just let me know when you’re ready.”

“Will do,” she said, waving her fork. She had a big smile on her face and I had to laugh. “This is amazing. Who made this?”

“I did,” my mother said, laughing. “Careful not to insult your mother now.”

“Oh, I’m with my daughter,” Barb said, and we all started to laugh.

I wondered what it would be like to have more of these moments in our lives. Our families were thousands of miles away, and while we had friends here, we had stronger friends out there. I was really starting to wonder why we stayed in this froze land, missing work at times because we couldn’t get there. I wasn’t sure what Jimmy would say, though, about moving.

“You look lost in thought,” Joe observed as he took his plate and fork to the dishwasher. “Penny for your thoughts?”

I noticed, then, that most everyone had cleared their plate and left the table. I’d been daydreaming the entire time without realizing it. I was thinking about what it would be like to be back home and able to go to the beach whenever we wanted, not to have to worry about the weather, and to have family right there any time of the day or night. I sighed as I stood and brought my plate to the dishwasher as well.

“Just between you and me,” I said, making sure no one was around. “I’m rethinking our decision to stay here.”

“Because of Jimmy?” his father asked in a low voice.

I nodded, as I heard Jimmy’s office door open. I rinsed my plate, then smiled when his arms wrapped around me.

“Have fun,” I said, turning in his arms and kissing him.

“We will,” he promised, as he returned the kiss. He headed for the back door to get into his winter gear and I waved at Katie as she passed by.

“I hope she keeps him calm,” I said, sighing as they walked out the door. “He’s cleared to drive as of last session, but still.”

“He’ll be fine,” Barb said, as she entered the kitchen. “They checked the roads before they left and everything is clear and dry.”

“That’s good,” I said, though I think she knew that wasn’t my concern. I didn’t want him to have a breakdown on his first trip out without the entire family going along. Katie was strong, but Jimmy was a big guy and could easily hurt her without meaning to. “I, uhm, was reconsidering our decision to stay here. I need to talk to Jimmy about this, but I just wanted to put some feelers out there. We’d have to find jobs, of course, and a place to live. We’d want to have a place like this, though preferably one that’s done already, so we don’t have to do it again. But if he’s okay with it, what would you guys think?”

“That would be great,” his mother said, hugging me. “But don’t push him. I agree that it would be a benefit to him, because of the weather, but we don’t want to stress him out.”

“I know. That’s why I’ll just bring it up casually and see what he’d think about it first.”

“Use caution,” his mother advised. She squeezed my arm as she and Joe moved into the living room. I looked out the window at the warm sunshine and sighed.

***

I was sitting in my office an hour later when my phone rang. I answered it without looking at the caller I.D., wondering who would be calling right now. “Hello?”

“How fast can you get to Council Bluffs?” Katie asked and I could hear a scuffle in the background.

“What’s going on?” I asked, as I ran downstairs and headed for the back door. Thank God, I got up and dressed early today. I shoved my feet into boots and started getting my coat on, Jimmy’s parents and older sister following me, confused by my actions.

“It’s Jimmy,” she said, sounding breathless. I heard a rustle as she apparently put her hand over the phone. “Jimmy! Jacoby’s on his way! Calm down!”

“You fucker!” Jimmy shouted and I knew something was going on.

“We’re on our way. Where in Council Bluffs are you?”

“The mall,” she said, sounding desperate. “Please hurry before he gets arrested!”

“We’re coming,” I promised, hanging up the phone. “Jimmy's in trouble and we need to go now!” His family quickly dressed and we ran for my truck. I went as fast as I could out of the driveway and down the gravel. Once I hit the interstate, I went as fast as possible, no regard to speed limits. “Katie thinks he’s going to get arrested.”

“What’s going on?” Barb asked, as I weaved in and out of traffic. I prayed to anyone who would listen that there would be no state patrol out today.

“I don’t know. They’re at the mall and Jimmy was shouting at someone, but that’s all I know.”

Somehow, we made the half hour trip without getting pulled over or causing an accident. I took the first parking spot in the mall lot and called Katie to find out where in the mall they were. There were cop cars out front and I didn’t even make it inside before I saw Jimmy coming out in cuffs, sporting a black eye and struggling against the police that held him.

“Coby!” he called, trying to run for me. The officers yanked him back and he flinched as the cuffs no doubt dug into his skin. “You’ve got to make them understand!”

“What happened?” I asked, as Katie came running out of the mall after her brother. She looked angry and her hands were balled into fists, as she chased after her brother.

“Mr. Shaddix was involved in an altercation inside the mall,” an officer explained as they shoved Jimmy in the back of a cruiser. He started screaming and I knew a panic attack was starting. “He’ll be down at the station.”

With that, we were left alone and I turned to Katie, who was cussing up a storm at the departing vehicles. She shook her head then pulled Jimmy’s keys from her purse. She told me to lead the way to the station and stormed off as another man was dragged out of the mall, his face a mess of bruises and blood. I didn’t ask, just took off for my own truck to see what needed sorting out now.

20

Katie made her way into my truck and I told her to play DJ. I knew I had to make small changes now so that the big changes wouldn’t hit me as hard later. I noticed that she didn’t ask about the labeling system and I didn’t balk when she played a CD out of my predetermined order. Each CD was labeled with a day of the week and time of day to play it; she’d chosen a Wednesday CD and today was Tuesday. I let it slide and told myself to remain calm. It was just CD after all, and it wasn’t worth a panic attack.

“What do you want to do in CB?” I asked, as I navigated the gravel. It wasn't too slick, which was nice for a change. Spring was now just a few weeks away and I couldn’t wait.

“I don’t know, just show me around,” she said, as I paused to check for traffic on the highway. “Maybe the mall?”

“We can start there,” I said, turning to head for the interstate. There are back roads, but the interstate is quicker. “I’ll take you to a really good café for lunch. It’s one that Coby and I frequent when we’re in town.”

“Sounds good to me,” she agreed, as we finally got onto the interstate. “So why trucks? Don’t get they get bad gas mileage?”

“These aren’t so bad,” I said, indicating the interior. “We splurged when our last trucks died and got 2009 models. They get a lot better gas mileage than the old ones did, that’s for sure. Having the blades on takes it down a bit, but it’s not bad. I can go to work and back a couple of times before I have to think about filling up. I usually get about two tanks a check.”

“That’s not bad for a truck,” she commented, as the winter landscape went by. She looked out the window, and smiled. “You know, Iowa is kid of pretty in the winter.”

“It has its moments,” I agreed, glancing at the snow covered trees. “But it’s better in the spring, summer, and fall.”

“I know,” she said, remembering her previous visits in the warmer months. “That’s why I visit in August or July.”

I laughed, not blaming her one bit. Our exit was coming up, so I got over into the exit lane and then made my way to the Mall of the Bluffs. I got a parking spot on the backside and we got out, bundled against the cold. The lot was mostly clear of ice and snow today, but we still wore boots.

“Where to first?” I asked, indicating the shops visible from the entrance.

“Bath and Body Works,” she said, and I suppressed a groan. The smelliest store in the entire mall. “Can your lungs handle it?”

I could lie and say no and I could be honest and say yes. I could see that she really wanted to go, even though I know she goes all the time back home. I finally made up my mind and decided that yes, my lungs would handle it. They were still a little miffed at me for my late night walk, but I’d be okay.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I said, nodding. She smiled and led the way through the crowded mall to the store. I wasn’t always good in crowds when my moods were down, but I was relaxing just fine today, so the medication and counseling must be working. “What are you looking for?”

“Just to see what’s new,” she said, as we neared the store. I thought I heard someone call my name, but in a crowd like this, I wasn’t the only Jimmy. “Something smells good in there.”

“It’s the freak from the hospital!” was shouted clear as day from my left.

I turned, knowing I was the one they were talking about. A man about my height came forward, his face set in an emotion I couldn’t quite place; but he wasn’t necessarily angry. I almost think he was getting some amusement out of this.

“Jimmy, let’s go,” Katie said, knowing that my temper of late had a miniscule fuse. “He’s not worth it.”

There was a low murmur in the crowd as the man came to stand before me. Katie was pulling my arm, but I wasn’t moving.

“I remember you,” the man said, as he looked me over. “I was there with my mother. Brought her in because she fell on the ice and broke her hip. You had an outburst and scared my poor mother half to death.”

“I apologize for scaring her,” I said, turning to walk away.

I was yanked back, however, and couldn’t react before a fist met my face. I was knocked to the ground and was dazed for all of a few seconds before I was back on my feet. I growled at the man who’d hit me, as he had the audacity to continue standing there.

“I apologized for my behavior,” I said through clenched teeth. “That was uncalled for.”

“I don’t want freaks taking care of my family. I got your name and put in a complaint. You’ll be lucky to keep your job.”

A fear gripped my heart so strong I thought I was having a heart attack. Before I knew what was going on, my fist had met his face and we were rolling on the ground fighting. He kept yelling that I was a freak and I kept hitting him. I didn’t hear my sister shouting at me to stop until I was yanked to my feet. My hands were yanked behind my back and I spat out blood as my hands were cuffed. My opponent was in a similar state and my chest heaved as I seethed at him.

“How fast can you get to Council Bluffs?” my sister was saying into her phone.

“Freak! I hope you get fired!” the man yelled, as onlookers held us back from each other.

“You fucker!” I shouted, drowning out Katie’s conversation. I assume she’s called Jacoby, and I hope he gets here fast. I struggled to get free of the person restraining me, but it was no use. “Let me go.”

“Sorry, sir, but I can’t do that,” the female voice said and I paused for a moment. “My colleagues are on their way, Jimmy. I haven’t arrested you in years.”

“Shit,” I muttered, as the crowd parted. I glared at the man who’d started the fight, almost proud of the bruises and cuts on his face.

“Get the freak out of here!” the man shouted but was silenced by a pair of officers as he was cuffed. “He’s a freak!”

“Shut it,” the officer instructed, starting for the exit with the man. I was about to say something, but the cop silenced me as well. “You both need to shut up. Now, let’s go.”

I was dragged out, my sister running after me, trying to get the cops to let me go. Just as we got out into the cold air, I saw Jacoby and my family running for me. I knew I had little chance of getting free, but I was trying with all my might.

“Coby!” I shouted as soon as I saw him. “You have to make them understand!”

“What happened?” Coby asked as I caught mom’s eyes. She was so upset that I looked at my boots as I was shoved into the back of the cruiser.

The cops spoke to Coby and then we were off. I knew that my family would follow, and with luck, I’d get home tonight.

***

Two hours later, I was on my way home. Mom and dad paid my bail and I promised them all the way home I was going to pay them back. They said we’d talk when we got home, and I sighed. Dad was driving my truck, and my sisters were riding with Jacoby, leaving mom with us. Jacoby’s mom had stayed home, so I had no idea what sort of firing squad I was going to face. I sighed as home came into view and we pulled into the garage. The sun was warm on my bruised face as dad pulled into the driveway, then into the garage. I got out and silently walked up to the house, unlocked the door and headed straight to my office once out of my coat and boots.

“Jimmy?” mom’s voice sounded outside my door a few minutes later, and the handle jiggled. It was locked, of course, because I wanted to be alone. “Jimmy, we need to talk.”

I opened the door, unable to resist my mom’s request. My right eye was swollen shut, and the Tylenol I’d taken barely helped the massive headache forming behind my eyes. I accepted a towel-wrapped ice pack from mom and slipped my glasses off, laid on the couch and placed the cold pack over my bruised eye.

Mom and dad settled in to the two chairs available in the room: mom at my desk and dad in an armchair I kept next to the desk. Mom sighed, as I looked away from her, embarrassed at my behavior.

“What happened?” she asked, gently, any previous anger gone from her voice.

“This guy,” I said, closing my eyes and sighing. “He called me a freak. I guess he was in the ER the day of my breakdown. He turned me in.”

“Jimmy? There’s a letter from the hospital for you,” Jacoby said, as he came into the office. “Here.”

I took the envelope, and stared at it. Finally, I opened it and pulled out a neatly folded sheet of paper. I was terrified now, and I had no idea what was going to happen. I’d worked so hard for this job and I didn’t want to lose it over one breakdown.

Dear Jimmy,

On January 19th at approximately four o’clock in the afternoon, a disturbance occurred in the emergency department. According to witnesses you were observed to have a nervous breakdown and became uncontrollable. You were observed fighting verbally and physically with others, physically abusing yourself and threatening patients verbally. The board has since received several complaints from patients and families present in the ED that day.

It has therefore been decided that you will be suspended until further notice without pay. You must receive treatment by a Creighton accredited program in the area of need and your completion of this program will be monitored by an appointed member of the board. At the end of the month, you will meet with the board, your direct supervisor, and the team from your program to determine your return status. Your hearing date is set for Monday March 1st, 2010 at nine o’clock in the morning in the first floor board room.

Upon satisfactory completion of the program of treatment, you will be allowed to return to work on a trial basis. You will be supervised for a period of one month by a member of the board upon your return.

Until further notice, all licenses and employee privileges have been suspended. You may retain your badge until your return status has been officially determined. Any attempts to work will result in termination.

Sincerely,

Edwin M. Allistar
Edwin M. Allistar
President and C.E.O. of Creighton University Hospitals and Clinics.

I lost it at that point. All of my hard work had just gone down the drain because I couldn’t keep myself together. I laid on the couch and sobbed. I let the letter go and it drifted to the floor, calm and serene, as though it held good news. I stood up from the couch, blind with rage. I started to punch whatever was near and I screamed. I screamed long and loud and I pulled at my hair, pacing and hyperventilating.

“Jimmy, you have to calm down,” a voice said and I lashed out with my fists, though I connected with air. Something poked my arm and I screamed, and then it was dark and peaceful.

21

Jimmy slumped against me and I sighed. I knew I was going to have a monster on my hands now because of that letter and I didn't want to deal with that. He’d gotten those letters before and life was hell leading up to his hearing. I laid him down on the couch, then went to Katie, who’d only barely ducked his fist. She was a little shaken but otherwise unharmed. The walls were another matter, but those could be patched. I checked his hands but they weren’t broken, so he got off lucky.

“What the hell happened in here?” Joe asked, as he and mom came running in.

“Jimmy's been suspended without pay,” I explained, showing them the letter. “He went ballistic, but I had an Ativan bolus on me, so I used it. He’ll sleep for a while now.”

“Wow,” mom said, as she finished reading the letter. She handed it to Joe, whose eyes widened as he read. “We’ll have to make sure we bring this up to his counselor. Is he going to be okay for his birthday celebration today and your rescheduled anniversary tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. That’s a pretty hefty bolus, so he might be out for a good chunk of the day,” I said, as he turned over in his sleep. He was restless and I wondered if the dose had been strong enough. “But for now, he’s okay. We’ve just got this little matter of the assault charge his attacker is bringing and the assault charges Jimmy is bringing on his attacker.”

“More than one?” Barb asked, smoothing Jimmy’s hair from his face.

“Physical and verbal, because he was tossing some decent insults,” Katie said, sighing as she looked at her brother. He tossed and turned on the couch, and she took his hand, massaging the bruised knuckles, moving up his arm. “Jimmy was walking away from the fight, but the guy just kept going. He was trying to get Jimmy to lash out and that’s exactly what happened.”

“This guy was at the hospital the day of Jimmy’s breakdown?” Kelly asked, as Jimmy turned again, mumbling in his sleep.

“So he says,” I said, with a shrug. “I don’t know if he was or not, but he claims to have been there. I doubt he could have known about the meltdown otherwise, but who knows? You pretty much had to be there.”

“This says threatening patients. Was he?”

“Not really, but he was glaring into cubicles and scaring them. He was stalking around the ER, yelling at patients who weren’t being quiet and frightened a small child. Staff was trying to calm him down and get him out of there, but he was resisting I guess. I wasn’t there, I got a call to get the hell down there and then got briefed on my way up to psych. But this is going to make life hell in our house. He’s so proud of the work he’s done to get where he is, I can’t imagine him doing anything else. This will go on his record and it makes it harder for him to get a job.”

“He won’t be fired will he?”

“That I don’t know. Sean’s pretty easy going. He’s been good to Jimmy and understanding through all of this. The deal was that if Jimmy completes all of his scheduled appointments this month, he can return to work in March. He was supposed to get paid for this time off, but now that won’t happen. This is going to make life hell. He’s missing a month of pay and work both now, and his moods are going to be worse than ever,” I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face. I looked at my husband, clearly in the throes of a bad dream and shook my head. I needed a break, and I needed to get away from it all. But when your husband has a mental illness, you’re the primary caretaker and you can’t leave him when he needs you most. My escape would come Monday when I returned to work from my week off, and I found myself wishing I’d never traded weekends. That would’ve prevented this entire mess, though it was too late to fix it now. This was my fault and I had to accept the consequences. “Thank God for his savings; he can at least pay the important bills.”

“We can help,” his mother said, and my mother volunteered as well.

“No, you guys are already helping with California, which is looking less and less likely now, with this mess he’s in. God, this is all my fault. If I’d just said no to Devon and not traded, we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

“But you had Jimmy’s permission, whether he recalls giving it or not. Besides, didn’t you say Jimmy had been easy going in the past about conflicts with the anniversary celebration?” Katie asked, coming over and hugging me.

“Yeah, but I had a feeling the 10th would be more important. When he said to go ahead and trade, I was surprised but glad. Devon had something important to do with his family last weekend and I was happy to help out. I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal. He’ll work for me on my next weekend and we’re good. Except Jimmy’s not good; I’ve never seen him like this before. I know he’s got mental illnesses, but this is all new to me.”

“Has his diagnoses changed?” mom suggested and I considered that. “It was depression, OCD, and PTSD, but he’s acting bi-polar of late. Now I realize the change could be temporary and triggered by recent events, but it seems to me that he should’ve recovered, so to speak, by now. My worst breakdowns ended in a day or so. I never carried on like this, even during treatment.”

“But what would adding one more diagnoses do? They’d give him a pill and he’d just move on. One more diagnoses isn’t going to change what’s happening now.”

“It might, though. He’d get the right treatment and medications,” mom pointed out and I nodded. I considered that Jimmy might be developing some new diagnoses, but at the same time, I didn’t completely believe it.

“The thing is, though, he’s never done this before. He’s had outbursts with his OCD before. It gets triggered sometimes and he can’t function for a day or two. But it’s never been this bad before. He’s been angry before, but again, not like this. I don’t believe that one little incident on my part triggered him into a whole new mental illness. I’m sorry, but as a medical professional, I don’t buy it. He’s just angry and now that he’s in therapy for his OCD, he’s angrier. I don’t think we need to be running off to the diagnostic manual to find out what’s wrong. He needs to complete his therapy and do what the hospital asks and then he’ll be fine. He’s been on the Paxil around a month now so that will be helping. The letter upset him, as it would anyone who’s worked as hard as he has. I’m not going to believe any new diagnosis until he’s been through a few months of therapy and the medication has had time to work.”

With that, I left the room, heading downstairs. It was nearing lunchtime, but I wasn’t hungry. I needed to head back to Omaha since I hadn’t picked up Jimmy’s birthday or anniversary gifts yet. I scribbled a note stating my whereabouts, then put on my boots and coat and headed out the door.

***

I stopped first at West Roads mall when I got to Omaha. I’d ordered Jimmy a special coffee tin for his birthday, since he likes to keep beans on hand to grind. It has the symbols for flight nurse and EMT, and a small picture of a helicopter. I’d also added ‘I love you forever’ in Gaelic, because that’s the phrase we ended our vows with. Now I think about it, I hope the thing doesn’t upset him more; I can’t take many more outbursts.

For Valentine’s Day, I’d been practical. His poor old $10 coffee grinder he’s had for years has about had it, so I’d been paying layaway on a new one. This one is far more sophisticated, but he can pick the grind he wants and bag up the coffee if he chooses and everything else. I know he’s going to love it.

Once I had my purchases, I wandered the mall, trying to collect my thoughts. I wandered to the food court and finally decided to eat. I settled for a fast food burger place and found an empty table. The nice thing about weekdays was that most kids were in school and most other people had to work. It was around one and my day had already been far busier than I’d cared for. My husband had spent two hours in jail while we waited for a judge to set bail, then we got him home and I had to sedate him.

I shook my head and finished eating. After I dumped my garbage, I decided that a nice relaxing trip to a bookstore was in order, so I headed for my truck. The day was shaping up to be a bit nicer than some previous days, and I wanted to enjoy it before the next snowstorm hit. This winter had been hell, and we were on track to set a record for snowfall.

“Coby! Wait up!” a voice called and I turned to see Hollister from work. She ran for me and we walked the parking lot together. “When is Jimmy’s hearing before the board?”

“March 1st at nine, why?”

“Because everyone who’s not working that day is showing up to support him. Sean held a meeting about this and we’re keeping it between us, but we’re not letting him go down without a fight. My husband was one of the arresting officers today and he’s already getting witness statements and such, and I think Jimmy should be cleared on his assault charge. Everyone saw the other guy hit Jimmy and Jimmy try to walk away. He still put up a hell of a fight once provoked, but he was definitely provoked.”

“That’s good to know. He’s so pissed about this letter. He flipped out after reading it and I had to use the Ativan on him. I hated to do it, but he damn near punched his sister. He’s getting help,” I said, stopping any suggestions from her. “But it’s not enough. Mom suggested he should get re-diagnosed but I don’t think that’s the problem.”

“What is the problem then?” she asked, as she stood beside my truck. “If it’s not the OCD or the PTSD, what’s left? Is he manic? Is he a schizo? What’s going on?”

“I triggered his meltdown with the anniversary debacle last month,” I said, heaving a sigh. “Remember the blizzard and we all had to work extra?” She nodded. “Well, the day we had to work extra was the day of our 10th wedding anniversary. We had plans but we cancelled for work and the weather. I’d also traded weekends with Devon on Jimmy’s blessing. Jimmy has no memory of sending me the text that said I could trade, so that was part of the problem. In years past, our anniversary has been rescheduled due to weather and Jimmy has been fine. This year, he flipped, as you know. He just hasn’t been right since he got home from the hospital.”

“It might not hurt, though, to talk to his counselor,” she said gently. “At least mention that he’s not calming down and the outbursts are getting worse. It might not be anything new for him, but she might have something that can help him.”

“I’ll think about it,” I promised, as I opened the door to my truck. “See you around. When do you work next?”

“Thursday, you?”

“Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week. I took a vacation day this week for Jimmy’s birthday. I worked the weekend, so that was easier,” I said, climbing in. “See you next week.”

Hollister waved as I started the truck, then backed out of my spot. I can’t agree with the idea that Jimmy might be having more problems. He’s had enough, quite frankly, and he doesn’t need any more. I did agree that his counselor needed to know about these things, but I think he’s just having a hard time right now. After all, he’s been through this before, according to Brian, so why start jumping into diagnostic mode if we don’t have to?

My phone rang as I pulled into the flow of traffic and headed for the bookstore. I flipped the phone open and greeted the caller, not bothering with the caller I.D.

“What am I gunna do?” a voice slurred and I sighed. “They’ll fire me, ya know.”

“Jimmy, go back to sleep. The Ativan is talking,” I said, with a weary shake of my head. I pulled into the nearest parking lot and parked the truck. “We’ll talk about this when I get home. We’ve got your birthday tonight and I want you awake for that. Just go back to sleep.”

“Don’t wanna sleep,” he slurred, but I heard the phone clatter to the floor. I was about to hang up when someone picked it up.

“Sorry,” Katie said, with a sigh. “He woke up for a bit, though he was acting drunk. I’ll take his phone now. Supper is at seven, mom said, so Jimmy can sleep the medicine off.”

“I’ll be back by six,” I promised, hanging up. I slowly banged my head on the steering wheel, then returned to the street. I hoped there would be no more of those calls while I was out. I just wanted to relax, even though I couldn’t.

I finally reached my destination without any interruption and went inside. I just needed something to drown my sorrows in and made a beeline for the sci-fi section. There, I found the series I was reading and settled in to look at the books. Something had to go right today after all, didn’t it?

22

“What a terrible birthday,” I mumbled, sitting up on my couch. The room was spinning and my head felt heavy. I stood up, pulling my phone from my pocket. There seemed to be more than one phone and I dialed on the most stable one. I didn’t exactly know who I was calling, so that was going to be a surprise.

“Hello?” It’s Coby!

“What am I gunna do? They’ll fire me, ya know.”

“Jimmy, go back to sleep. The Ativan is talking,” Coby said. I shook my head, I didn’t want to sleep. “We’ll talk about this when I get home. We’ve got your birthday tonight and I want you awake for that. Just go back to sleep.”

“Don’t wanna sleep,” I informed him, feeling myself sway. Wow, the floor’s coming up fast…

***

My head was throbbing when I cracked my eyes open to a dark room. A voice sighed as I sat up on the couch and the light flicked on. I groaned and covered my offended eyes, wondering just how much I’d been drinking. I hadn’t gone drinking for quite some time and I had no memory of drinking today. I finally got my sight back from the overwhelming light and blinked. My sister Katie was sitting in my desk chair and she didn’t look happy. A folded piece of paper was in her hand and everything came flooding back to me.

“What time is it?” I asked, looking outside. It was dark out, so it was past five, at least.

“It’s six thirty and Jacoby is helping mom set up for your birthday,” she said, standing. She extended her hand to me and helped me stand up. I felt a little lightheaded and stumbled forward. She wrapped me in a hug and rubbed my back. I’m embarrassed to say that I started bawling. “It’s going to be okay, Jimmy.”

“No, it’s not,” I sobbed, shaking my head. Her t-shirt was soaked with my tears, but she didn’t seem to care. “Not with a pending assault charge it won’t. They wrote and sent this letter before that happened. I’ll never be able to keep my job, Katie; they’ll fire me now. I won’t be employable, not with how unstable I am. I’m screwed, and it’s all my fault!”

Katie brought us to the couch and held me, rocking me back and forth. Nothing was going to be okay now that I’ve been arrested. I was doing so well, too; five years sober, as many since I was last arrested. I was arrested three days before Jacoby tossed my ass in rehab for the last time, and I had intended to keep it that way.

“Jimmy, I’m sure the hospital will understand. There are plenty of witnesses to say that you tried to walk away and that you didn’t start the fight,” she whispered, as I continued to sob. “Don’t say you’re career is over yet. Coby said that the entire ED is turning up for your hearing and they’re going to defend you. They all care about you and this is hurting them as much as it is you.”

“Katie, I beat someone up,” I reminded her, paying no mind to the black eye and bruises I’d received in the same fight. The pain I was feeling from my likely firing was far worse. “I beat the shit out of a guy and no one is going to care what I tried to do. They’ll remember what I did, and that’s what matters at the hospital. I’m already in dutch for my outburst in the field and in the ED; now I’ll catch it for fighting.”

“Let’s not worry about that now,” she suggested, wiping my face. I flinched as she moved over my bruised cheek and she apologized. “Let’s just celebrate your birthday, okay?”

“Why bother?” I muttered, moving my face away from her. “It’s ruined anyway.”

“Now, there won’t be any of that tonight,” she said, a bit sternly. “You’re not going to cancel your birthday because you had a bad day. Mom and dad are excited to celebrate, Jimmy, so give them the chance. You found us two years ago, and that’s a lot of missed birthdays.”

“Fine,” I grumbled, with a sigh. Katie rubbed my back and sighed.

“It’s going to be fine,” she assured me, as we stood. I wiped my eyes and told her I’d meet her downstairs.

Once I was alone, I went into the bathroom I shared with my husband and splashed water on my face. I looked in the mirror as I dried my face, wondering what had gone wrong. I’d been fine until the weather rearranged our anniversary. But I shouldn’t be this upset over a month later, should I? My counselor told me that the incident had probably triggered a breakdown more related to PTSD than OCD, but I still questioned my strong emotions this far out.

“Jimmy?” my father called and I responded that I was coming and hung the towel back on the rack to dry.

I took one last look in the mirror, gently running my fingers over my bruised cheek and eye. I hadn’t had a black eye and cheek in a long time, and it was throbbing. I sighed, as my father knocked on the bathroom door, asking if I was okay. I opened the door and nodded, and he returned the gesture.

“Your mom went all out tonight,” he said, walking with me.

“That’s nice,” I said, wondering if she’d be offended at my lack of appetite. “I don’t have much of an appetite.”

“Eat what you can,” dad said, and I nodded.

“Happy Birthday!” Mom said, with a huge grin on her face. I mustered a smile and hugged her. I wasn’t going to disappoint her now, not when she finally had the chance to be here for my birthday. “Come sit! I made all your favorites.”

Dad wasn’t kidding when he said mom went all out. There was enough food here two months and I thanked God we had a deep freeze. She’d made corn and peas, and I knew the corn would have garlic on it, lasagna, chili, pizza, chicken fettuccini alfredo, goulash, and spaghetti. She’d also made homemade bread, homemade rolls, homemade cinnamon rolls, chocolate cake, white cake, and ice cream. I wasn’t that hungry, but I’d make an attempt to have at least one bite of each thing.

“Thanks,” I said, trying to keep my smile intact. I sat next to Jacoby, thankful we’d kept the leaves and extra chairs for the table, and started taking food onto my plate. I managed to get a small serving of everything and mom didn’t seem upset. Dessert was yet to come and I wanted to try some of that as well.

We all ate in silence, a sure sign that the food was very good. By the time mom had two number candles lit on top of my chocolate cake, I was stuffed, but I’d eat at least a small piece of the confection. The cinnamon rolls would be for breakfast in the morning. I knew there would be a few gifts as well, as mom and dad always bought me something and then sent it to us. This year, they’d been in town for my birthday, so they’d been able to go shopping here. I know it was frustrating, because I overheard mom complaining about the lack of stores available.

Once we’d eaten, and I assure you I was stuffed to the brim, it was time for presents. Jacoby went first and I was curious to see what he’d gotten me. With the recent strife in our relationship, I didn’t expect anything, so I was pleased with the package he handed me. I worked the paper off and smiled when I saw a plain cardboard box with the name of a local engraving company on it. I worked the box open and grinned when I saw the tin inside; my mood was lifting rapidly.

“Thank you!” I said, showing off my new coffee tin. It would hold a good couple of days of coffee and would be the perfect fit to my coffee habit. “I love it.”

“I knew you would,” he said, as I turned the tin over in my hands.

I placed it on the table and then accepted a small package from my sister Kelly. I worked the wrap off and then opened a long, slender box. I knew it was a necklace of some sort, but wasn’t sure from there. Finally, I lifted a sturdy gold chain from a bed of cotton and looked at the flight nurse emblem attached to it.

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at her.

“I know you can’t wear it at work, but I still wanted to get it for you.”

“I love it,” I said, accepting a package from Katie. It was a small, square, hard box and I opened it once the wrap was off. There was a pin lying on a bed of cotton and I grinned. It was the EMT symbol, and I could wear that working in the ED. “Thank you. I love it.”

Mom and dad were next and I accepted an envelope from them. I was curious, as there was only one gift left, from Jacoby’s mom. I opened the envelope and smiled; they’d gotten me gift certificates to all of my favorite stores and restaurants in town.

“It’s perfect,” I said, smiling. “Thank you.”

I accepted the final gift and opened the wrap. I wondered how many pins and necklaces I was going to get, but was glad to get them. I couldn’t wear them at work very well, but I’d make it work. Inside was a pin and necklace; the pin had the paramedic symbol and the necklace had a pair of wings with R.N. in the middle.

“Thank you,” I said, smiling. “Thanks for everything, guys.”

“Happy Birthday,” Jacoby said, kissing me. “Let’s take this stuff upstairs.”

We climbed the stairs and got into the bedroom. Once everything was put away, I smiled at my husband. I brought him into my arms and held him tight.

“I’m sorry for everything,” I said, and felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. My counselor said that apologies were the best way to feel better and she’d been right.

“We’ll make everything work,” Jacoby promised me, returning the tight hug. My phone rang, then, and I parted from my husband. I’d had several missed calls and texts from friends sending birthday wishes and had sent out a mass text to thank them all.

“Hello?” I asked cautiously, having noticed that Sean was calling me. He rarely called me at home, unless it was to ask me to work. Since I’m on suspension, he can’t be calling for that…

“Jimmy, I’m sorry to bother you on your birthday,” he said, and I assured him it was fine. “Your hearing got moved up to tomorrow at nine.”

“Alright, I’ll be there,” I said, feeling nervous. “Is it a hearing or a firing squad?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he said, and then wished me happy birthday and hung up.

“What’s going on?” Jacoby asked, as my shaking hands put my phone back in my pocket.

“My hearing has been moved up to tomorrow at nine,” I said, and we looked at each other with similar expressions.

Somehow, I think we knew what was going to happen.

23

The next morning the entire house was up and out by eight. Jimmy was terrified as we drove to Omaha, afraid that he was going to lose his job, his pilot license, and all of his titles. He’d worked hard for what he had, spending most of his eight years here in some kind of training. He had his RN, his EMT B and I, and his paramedic, not to mention being a pilot. The hospital funded some of it, since they’d seen so much potential in him.

Now, two incidents could ruin it all. I didn’t think it would matter who showed up for him, despite the texts messages we’d sent out last night with the date change. Apparently, the board had gotten wind of the pending assault charge, and they weren’t going to wait until the charge was dismissed before acting. I sighed in frustration, feeling Jimmy's hand tighten around mine. He was nervously squeezing my hand, his right leg bouncing as I took the exit for work.

“It’s going to be okay,” I said, even though I barely believed it. I didn’t know if it was going to be okay, and I wonder why people say that at times like this. “Whatever happens, we’ll make it work.”

Jimmy was silent as he gripped my hand. It wasn’t long before I pulled into work and parked, managing to dislodge his hand long enough to put the truck in park and get out. As soon as we were together again, his hand gripped mine and I hugged him tight before we went in. His badge was swinging from his shirt collar and I prayed he’d get to keep it.

“Jimmy, Coby!” a voice called and we turned as one.

Hollister was leading the charge as everyone in the ED who had the day off ran for us. We were engulfed in a group hug and hasty introductions were made to our families before we all walked in. The boardroom was a few steps from the front entrance and we entered it now. It was empty save for Sean, who was getting himself a cup of coffee, and he looked grim. I think we all knew what was coming, but no one wanted to admit it.

“We’re here for you, Jimmy,” Hollister reminded him and he nodded, clearly trying to hide a sudden display of emotion. “We’re going to show them how tough this ED is.”

“Thanks,” he said, taking a deep breath. He wiped his face when everyone turned to find seats, but it was pointless. Tears were going to fall today and there wasn’t anything he could do to stop them.

We all found chairs, as Hollister got everyone coffee and rolls. Jimmy hadn’t eaten anything for breakfast and that’s how I knew he was worried; he didn’t break routine unless he was worried. He declined the roll, though Hollister set it in front of him anyway, and sipped at the coffee. We all made small talk to pass the time and finally, at five till, the board entered.

The board consisted of six people, including the three top officials at the hospital. Edwin Allistar was the president and CEO and took the top chair at the table. Once the board was seated and had coffee and rolls, there was a moment of silence, as the clock ticked toward nine. Jimmy looked like he was going to burst from nervousness, and I grabbed his hand. The board would start right at nine, and not a moment sooner. For them, this was just a routine employee hearing; they had no concern for the feelings of the employee.

Finally, Edwin cleared his throat and the room became quiet. The hour hand clicked over to nine and the tension in the room was thick enough to be cut with a knife. Jimmy's hands were shaking and his face was pale. If he didn’t pass out before the meeting’s end, I’d be surprised.

“Good morning, everyone,” Edwin said, and he seemed a bit surprised at the turnout. “As you know, we are gathered in the matter of James O. Shaddix. On January 19th, 2010 at approximately 1600 hours, you were observed to have a nervous breakdown in the emergency department. You were verbally harassing and threatening patients and families. You became combative when attempts were made to restrain you.

“Staff members called a Code Green and you were restrained and taken to the psych ward for evaluation and treatment. Upon your release, your supervisor suspended you with pay for one month to allow you to complete a course of treatment. The board then decided to suspend you without pay until you were able to complete that course of treatment to our satisfaction.

“Since the incident on January 19th, complaints have been received about your behavior from families and patients. We were most recently informed of an assault on the son of a patient who witnessed your outburst that day. You were in the mall and engaged in a physical assault on this man.”

Jimmy was silent except for the shaking of his shoulders as tears fell onto his lap. Edwin looked at him and his face was neutral, but you could tell he detested the display of emotion. I watched Hollister take Jimmy's other hand and squeeze it. Edwin resumed his speech and I rubbed my husband’s back.

“Before we continue, I see that several co-workers have come in your support. I’m going to give them a moment to speak before we hand down our decision.”

Hollister was on her feet first, and she moved to stand in the center of the circle of tables, facing the board.

“My name is Hollister McIntosh. I’m a paramedic here at Creighton and have worked with Jimmy since he first did his internship here,” she said, smiling at Jimmy, who kept his head down. I handed him a napkin and he wiped his face. “I’ve witnessed Jimmy's struggles with mental illness over the last eight years, and I have to give him credit. He’s always managed to find a quiet place to deal with his problems. The incident on the 19th could have been avoided if everyone had let him be. He was on his way outside to let out some frustrations, but being cornered by people didn’t give him the time he needed to cool off.

“Jimmy is one of the best medics I’ve ever known. He’s worked hard for what he has and is always the first one to sign up for additional training. He worked his way through all of his training while working full time here. I’d like to see another medic who, in eight years, went from a basic EMT to a flight crew member with his RN, paramedic and two levels of EMT certification. If you fire Jimmy, you lose one of the best medics this hospital has ever seen.”

She sat down and Sean went next. He stood before the board and looked at Jimmy, who continued to cry silently.

“I’m Sean Micheals, I’m the manager down in the ED. I confronted Jimmy on the 19th about some problems he’d been having. I should’ve waited, but I didn’t. The incident was triggered by my talk, and I regret that. Jimmy has worked so hard for everything he’s earned here at Creighton and I feel that any punishment now would be unfair. He’s working hard to get through a counseling program and I’m hearing great reports from his counselor.”

Every person in the room stood after that and each one gave their reasons to the board to keep Jimmy on. Since I’m his husband, I wasn’t able to speak, but I agreed with every single person that stood. Once the last person had spoken, Edwin looked down at his notes, then back at Jimmy, who had yet to raise his head.

“James,” he said, and I nudged Jimmy to look up. His tear-stained face raised and looked to Edwin, who continued to look neutral. “You’re co-workers obviously have a lot of faith in you. I cannot say the same for the hospital or this board. Therefore, because of the assault on a patient’s family member, and because of the events of the 19th of January, you’re employment here has been terminated. You will have this matter entered into your permanent record.”

Jimmy quietly unclipped his badge and placed it on the table. I could heard sobs coming from around the room and was a little surprised that some of our male co-workers were showing their emotions as well. It wasn’t that we weren’t capable, but these were the type of men to do so in private.

“This hearing is concluded.”

The board left and I turned my chair, drawing Jimmy onto my lap. He sobbed loudly and I knew his world had just come crashing down around him. Everything he’d worked for was gone and I wasn’t sure how we were going to make this work.

Jimmy stood, his head hung low as he looked at the spot on the table where his badge had lain. His sobs came harder, and he stood and started walking. Sean was standing at the doors, his head hung low, and Jimmy paused. I tensed, ready for a fight, but instead, Jimmy brought Sean into a tight hug.

“You tried,” he said, and then he was out of the boardroom. His father went after him and I let them go. I knew that I was needed, but he had become close to his father and I thought this was a moment for his father.

Hollister came up to me, her eyes dull, and she brought me into a hug. It was my turn to break down now, and I welcomed her comforting arms. She held me for a moment, and then I composed myself.

“I have a plan,” she said, and I gave her a questioning look as I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. “But it’s going to take everyone.”

I looked around and realized that Jimmy's family had already left, and it was just the ED staff in the room. Anthony shut the doors and Hollister stood in the center of the room, facing everyone.

“Guys, we need to get Jimmy's job back,” she said, and everyone agreed. “So, we have options: we can picket the board for all the good it will do or we can organize some sort of campaign to show how well he’s doing. This hospital needs Jimmy; after all they’ve done for him, this is how they treat him?”

“I don’t know if he’ll want his job back after this,” I said, and everyone turned to me. “I’m with you guys, I want him to get his job back as well. But let me talk to him first okay? I’ll text everyone once we’ve talked and let you know what the plan is. IF he wants his job back, we’ll get organizing.”

“Keep us updated,” Sean said, and I nodded.

I walked out of the boardroom, heading outside into the cold, gloomy February air. Nebraska’s winter was in rare extra-gloomy mode and I sighed. I walked to my truck, seeing that Jimmy's truck and family were gone. He had a full backseat in his truck, so everyone probably had room. I got into my truck, turned it on and pulled out of my spot. I couldn’t believe how badly that had gone down. I’d expected a reprimand, an extension of his probation, but not this. In a way, I expected it, but I had hoped that the board would have a heart. Jimmy's worked so hard to keep himself in check and I didn’t think one incident would shatter that.

I made my way to the interstate, wishing I could come up with a way to make this easier on my husband. The way things have been going, I didn’t know what kind of reaction he was going to have to this. I was prepared for just about anything, as I joined the flow of traffic heading north. It was starting to flurry, and I realized we hadn’t been watching the news at night like we used to. We were either sitting and talking with family or we were in bed.

As I went north, the snow picked up and I knew we were in for another good storm. I hoped it wouldn’t hurt travel plans for Kelly and Katie who, with my mom, had to catch a plane tomorrow afternoon. They’d taken all the vacation they could take and now it was time to head home. I knew they’d worked it out with their employers to stay longer than planned, and I appreciated that. 22 days since Jimmy's meltdown in the ER and his family was still here. They’d only been back with him for two years and they had a strong relationship.

I took my exit for Mondamin, and made my way out to our gravel. I hoped Jimmy had gone straight home with his family and not run away. I was terrified that he was going to run away again and I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t know what to expect as I neared home, but felt encouraged when his truck was in the garage. I prepared myself for the worst as I got out of my truck, shut the garage door and headed into the house.

The large farmhouse loomed in front of me as I made my way up the concrete steps, covered with new snowfall and into the house. I noticed how quiet it was, and I hoped that wasn’t a bad sign. I got out of my boots and coat and then moved into the house. The kitchen was quiet, and his parents were sitting at the table with my mother and Jimmy's sisters. I watched as they quietly drank coffee, but said nothing.

“Where’s Jimmy?” I asked and his mother pointed upstairs. “Thanks.”

I went upstairs, my stocking feet quiet on the hardwood. I opened our bedroom door and saw Jimmy lying on the bed, facing the ceiling. He was awake and I closed the door, then lied down on the bed with him. He didn’t acknowledge me, but I grabbed his hand and held it tight.

“Hollister’s rallying the troops to get your job back,” I said, quietly. “If you want it, of course.”

No response. I sighed, understanding, as I rolled over and faced him. I placed my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, which had always soothed me. It was elevated today and I knew why. I heard a shaking sound and I glanced at my husband; in his hand he held his Paxil. I took the bottle from him and looked inside; all the pills were there as they should be. I’d have to start handing this out until he was more stable.

“I love you,” I said, kissing his unresponsive lips.

His only response was a tear sliding down his face, which I wiped away gently. We’d get through this.

24

I returned home from the hearing and crawled into bed. I’d been fired for things beyond on my control. I don’t know how many days I stayed in bed, and I don’t know what happened during those days. I know that Jacoby tried to coax me out of bed, my sisters and his mother left and begged me to see them to the airport, and I know my parents kept trying to get me to eat.

But I ignored them all and stayed in bed. I was safe in bed and I wasn’t in danger of hitting anyone or having an outburst. I remember seeing my counselor and I remember hearing that our lawyer had been to visit. The charges were dropped against me and the guy who provoked me had gotten probation.

Whoop-dee-friggin’-doo.

I’m willing to bet he still has his job. Jacoby said we could sue for discrimination and he said that Hollister was ready to lead the charge to get my job back for me. I declined, but I know that won’t stop her. She’s on a mission to right a perceived wrong and she won’t be stopped until I fly again. But I won’t be flying ever again. No hospital will hire me now and Creighton just lost their most versatile employee ever. But they didn’t care, that much was clear.

“Jimmy?” a voice asked on yet another day in bed. I turned over, ignoring the voice. “Please, come eat.”

I said nothing, as I’ve said nothing for the last few days that I’ve been in bed. Jacoby has come and gone for work but I haven’t paid attention to how many days. The bed dipped and I was face to face with my mother. She looked sad, her face drawn and lined, her eyes heavy. I tried to turn back over, but she was sitting on the covers and preventing my exit.

“Jimmy, you need to get out of bed. It’s been four days since the hearing and we’re worried. Your counselor is coming again today to talk to you. It’s Valentine’s Day and Jacoby wants to take you out tonight. Please, shower and get dressed, okay?”

I said nothing, just felt a tear slip down my face. My bruised cheek and black eye no longer hurt and I suspected they were healing. But I didn’t want to go out, because people would see me. Creighton was like a small town: word spread fast. I blinked my eyes up at mom, realizing that I could see out of both of them for the first time since the fight. She was looking at me with such profound sadness that I almost felt bad.

“Let’s start by sitting up,” she suggested, as she stood and loosened the covers around me. She gave me her most encouraging smile and I decided to try it. I sat up, placing my head in my hands as my shoulders shook. It was almost as if sitting up made me face reality again. “Good. Now, let’s head for the bathroom.”

Like a robot, I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, feeling tired and sad. I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. But here I was, walking into the shower. Mom helped me undress and got me into the shower. I stood there, the water drenching me, as I heard mom sigh. She started washing my hair and I let her. I didn’t fight her or try to do this myself. I just let her take care of me.

“Jimmy, I know you’re devastated,” she said, as she rinsed my hair. Somehow, I doubt she has a clue; she’s never been fired as disgracefully as I was. In fact, I bet she’s never been fired at all. “I know you’ve worked hard for what you have and I’m so proud of you it hurts. For 10 years, we didn’t know where you were. We filed a missing person’s report and after five years, we were told you were likely dead. I remember the questions we got asked, wondering where you might have gone and why. I said I didn’t know, because we’d been bad parents and kicked you out. I said you’d had a fight with your boyfriend but that was all we knew.”

I was silent as she worked the conditioner into my hair. I know she was wondering what had happened while I was gone, and I wondered if now was the time to tell her. She’d just started rinsing my hair when I turned my gaze to her.

“I left that night,” I whispered, my voice rough with disuse. “Brian and I had a big fight. I don’t remember what we were fighting about anymore, but we had a big fight. We both said some terrible things, and I left. I got on a train and I went as far as my money would take me. When you’re 16 you don’t have much, but dealing drugs helped. I made it to Omaha, and then that was it.”

Mom paused with my shower puff in her hand, the bottle of soap poised to dispense.

“I hit the streets, doing what I did best at the time: dealing drugs. I made good money, but I got caught. I went through the system and after a year, I was back out on the streets. I kept a lower profile and then, one night, everything caught up to me. I was a coward and I overdosed on purpose. When I woke up, Jacoby was sitting beside me, holding my hand, speaking to someone I couldn't see at the time. My memories of that time are very fuzzy. But after a while, when I was more coherent, Jacoby told me what happened. I remember very little of my time before Jacoby,” I said, as she started cleaning my body. “But afterward, I remember thinking it was odd that anyone would love me. Nobody had loved me in a while.”

My mother was silent, as she soaped me up and rinsed me off. She turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my waist, helping me out of the shower. Mindless of the fact that I was soaking wet, she grabbed me into a hug and I was surprised to find that she was crying. Robotically, I brought my arms up and tried to comfort her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, still holding me tight. “I’m sorry for everything. Your dad and I should’ve never kicked you out and we should’ve found you sooner. I’m sorry that you had to be alone up here and that you almost died out here on the streets. I want you to come home, Jimmy, even if it’s only for a couple of weeks.”

“We’re coming in July,” I said, confused.

“I know, but you need a break, Jim. Time off before you start looking for a new job,” she said, wiping her eyes.

“Mom, I need to start looking now,” I said, worry bubbling up inside me. “I need to get a paycheck going again. I don’t know how I’m going to pay bills.”

“Your father and I have you covered for this month,” she said, standing back a bit. “But consider it, okay?”

“I will,” I promised.

***

Lying in bed for several days had done me no favors. I hadn’t missed anything, since life always goes on around me. Hollister had proceeded with her campaign to get my job back; though I wasn’t sure I wanted it. Jacoby had tried to talk her out of it, but she would not be deterred. I appreciated the effort, but I didn’t think it would do any good.

Mom took me downstairs and fixed me breakfast, since it was mid-morning. She kept mentioning that Jacoby wanted to take me out tonight for Valentine’s Day, and that he’d run into town for a few errands with dad. Mom and dad would be going out tonight to celebrate and I suggested a couple of good restaurants in Omaha. But I had no desire to go out tonight or any night and I wished people would respect that.

“Thanks for breakfast,” I said, working my way through a cheese-laden omelet.

“It’s no problem,” she said, sitting down at the table with me. “Are you going to let Jacoby take you out tonight?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really feel like going out, but he’s going to be so disappointed if I don’t,” I said, with a deep sigh.

“Just talk with him,” she suggested, as the back door opened. Jacoby and dad were coming in with grocery bags galore, and my eyes widened. Mom laughed as she started placing bags on the counter. “Good lord, did you buy the entire store?”

“Just got a month’s worth of food,” Jacoby said, apparently unaware that I was sitting at the table. “Since Jimmy's not working now, we decided to get a few extra things. I tried to talk dad out of it, but he wouldn’t hear of it.”

“I insisted,” dad said, and I watched as more bags came in. “It’s just the essentials, and we got some extra meat as well. Jacoby wanted to get two weeks’ worth, but I paid so we got more.”

Today was payday, I realized a bit belatedly. My last check would be in the bank, but I’d have to use it to pay bills before I got to tuck any into savings. The last of the bags came in and mom started putting things away. Dad and Jacoby got out of their boots and coats and then came into the kitchen, surprised to see me sitting at the table.

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” Jacoby said, smiling. He walked over and hugged me, his soft sweater brushing my arms. “How are you feeling?”

“Not bad, just kind of stiff from being in bed for four days,” I said, shrugging. I finished my juice and stood from the table. “Need any help, mom?”

“I got it. You guys scatter,” she said, and I nodded, heading for my office. Jacoby followed and closed the door once we were inside. I sat at the computer and started checking email.

“Do you want to go out for Valentine’s Day?” he asked, sitting on the couch. Ma and Pa had apparently followed us in as well and he started to pet Pa.

“Not really,” I admitted, returning some emails. After four days, I had a lot of catching up to do.

“Why not?” he asked. I counted to ten before turning around. I didn’t want to fight about this as well.

“I just don’t feel like it,” I said, doing my best to remain calm. I had glimpsed my face in the bathroom mirror and it was a mess. There were cuts on my cheek, the entire right side of my face was purple and black and I wanted to stay home. “My face is a mess, I’m not in a terribly good mood and don’t feel like dealing with all the lovey-dovey crowds right now.”

“Who cares about your face? It doesn’t bother me,” my husband said and I sighed, once again counting to 10. “Look, you’ve done nothing but pout or be angry for the last month, Jimmy. Is your medication working? Is the counseling working?”

I stood up, telling myself to stay in control of my anger. I stalked over to my husband who stood up, his height a poor match for my own.

“Fine, you want to go out? We’ll go,” I said, and I left the room, storming across the hall and up the stairs. I went into our bedroom and yanked out the first pair of dress slacks I had, a shirt and undershirt, a tie, dress socks and dress shoes. I threw them on the bed, then waited for him to join me. “See? I’m ready. What time are we leaving? Gives me time to get some make up and cover up my damn face.”

“You know what? Forget it. If you want to be a little bitch and ruin things, be my guest,” he said, and I threw my hands in the air.

“Why is it always my fault?” I shouted, towering over him. “It’s always my fault, Jacoby, and I want to know why. I’m sorry if my mental health snapped recently! You might see that I’m doing something about it, but recall that it takes time! I just got fired from the one job that I love, remember? That hurt like hell. I got the shit kicked out of me in public by an accuser. That hurt like hell. So now you want to go out and be all happy and in love? You’ll forgive me if I’m not feeling it.”

Jacoby shook his head at me and pushed past me. I stumbled a bit, my body still adjusting to being upright and active. He put all my clothes back and then stared at me.

“Fine. We’ll just cancel this, too,” he said and I rolled my eyes. “After all, since you can’t see to be happy, why should I? We’ll just spend another night in, you pouting and me wondering why I haven’t filed for divorce yet.”

“Divorce? On what grounds?” I asked, hearing footsteps on the stairs. My counselor appeared in the doorway and I sighed. “You know what? I quit. I’ll go home with mom and dad and we can work out the shipping of my things later. I’ll sleep in my office for a while. Go ahead and file for divorce, Jacoby, because it’s clear you don’t care about me anymore.”

I left the bedroom, heading for my office, my counselor hot on my heels. I’d had it with my husband and if that was how he felt, then so be it.

25

“Go ahead and file for divorce, Jacoby, because it’s clear you don’t care about me anymore.”

I watched Jimmy storm out of the bedroom, heading for his office, his counselor hot on his heels. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel bad for him, I did, but I was tired of the moping. I realize what the hospital meant to him, though I’m sure he’ll tell everyone I don’t, but I don’t think it warrants this behavior. I expected him to be depressed about it, mope a day or two, but I did not expect him to stay in bed for four days, then refuse to have Valentine’s with me!

With a sigh, I sat down on the bed and shook my head. The last month has been a disaster in our marriage. I didn’t mean that I was going to file for divorce, but you can bet it has crossed my mind. I just don’t want to bail now, when he needs me most. Not that I feel needed right now, more hurt, but for the most part, I’m trying hard to be there for him.

“Jacoby?”

His mother entered our bedroom and sat on the bed next to me. I’d been thinking about calling my mom, but knew she’d be at work; she had to work a little extra to earn back the vacation time she took up here. I looked over at her and asked her a question.

“Why is he like this all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, shaking her head. “I honestly don’t know. As a child, he had some issues with depression, but we got that treated, and he did fine until he ran away. He’s on medication, he’s receiving counseling, and I don’t have the answers. If I had to guess, I’d say the last month has just been very hard on him, but that’s only a guess.”

“It’s been hard on me too and I’m all in a tizzy like he is!” I shouted, gesturing in his general direction. “Now he thinks we’re getting divorced. I’m not going to lie; I’m about ready to do it, too."

“I would wait,” Barb advised, and while I knew she was right, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. “I know it’s hard right now, with his moods, but eventually, this will blow over. I know that’s hard to imagine, but it will. We just have to figure out what has caused him to break down like this and find the cure to it.”

“I don’t think there is one,” I muttered, shaking my head. “I just don’t understand. The morning of the storm, he was all smiles, happy and nothing was wrong. I was complaining about my duties, as we all do, and he was joking around with us. Then, we have a storm and he just snaps. What the hell?”

“We don’t have a progress report yet,” his mother said, rubbing my back. “But it could be a recurrence of his depression. I know he’s been on medication close to a month now, so he might need different medication. Sometimes, it takes a couple tries to get the right medication.”

“Well then let’s get the right damn pill!” I shouted, standing and pacing. “I’m so tired of the moping and pouting and fighting. I want him happy, damn it!”

“Give it time. I know that’s hard, but he sees Dr. Mathias again tomorrow, and he might be able to change medications then. I’ve also suggested that Jimmy come home for a while before he starts looking for a new job. His father and I can cover his budget for this month, and it will give him a break.”

“I’m thinking about moving back to California,” I blurted out and then stopped pacing. Was I thinking about moving back? Was I prepared to give up everything we had here? I don’t know if we could find an acreage like we had here. Here, we had fields to rent out and we had two acres all to ourselves. That wasn’t going to be easy to find out there. But at the same time, everyone keeps telling me it will be good for Jimmy.

“Really?”

“I-I guess,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, the thought crossed my mind, but I don’t want us to give up what we have here. I know the weather sucks in the winter, but we have two acres of award winning gardens. I can’t give those up. We can’t transplant the gardens out there, and it’s too expensive to start over and get the same results. On the other hand, everyone thinks it would be so good for Jimmy. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave what we have here, and we can’t be snow birds at our income level and age.”

“I know,” she said, watching me from the bed. “But it might be worth thinking about. Jimmy always has a hard time getting through the winter and I think we all knew something like this was coming. Once spring gets here, he’ll be fine, but that’s still over a month away. Give it some thought, at least.”

I nodded, as she stood and left the room. I looked outside at the bright sunny day, thinking how pretty the snow looked. I know it sucks when it storms or we have to drive in it, but at the end of the day, I don’t think the weather in California is what we want. Sure, the constant sunshine would be good for Jimmy, but aren’t we going to get tired of it? I remember growing up in California and wishing it would storm more. I wanted fewer blue skies and more clouds.

I know that Jimmy needs something to keep him cheerful, but I think what he needs won’t be found in California. I’ll order a dozen light boxes before I move back to California. He’s about to find another job around here, even if he doesn’t get to fly. Mondamin fire and rescue is usually looking for paramedics, and he’d be ideal: he’s got both levels of EMT, he’s a paramedic, a flight nurse and a pilot. He’s the perfect candidate for any medical company.

Shaking my head, I left the room and headed for my office. It was my haven in the house, a place I could go to relax and unwind. I’d done a lot of research into relaxation and had painted the room a calming blue. The furniture was arranged so that the room didn’t seem cluttered and actually felt a little bigger than it was. I let the sun into the room and had set the computer so I could sit at it without pulling the blinds no matter the time of day.

I slumped into my black leather office chair and fired up my computer, jumping when something brushed my ankle. I looked down and scooped up Pa, wondering why he wasn’t in the office with Jimmy. I brushed my hand over his soft coat, feeling some of the stress leave me. I opened my email once it was loaded and started reading through the subject lines to see what I had. There wasn’t anything very exciting, mostly people asking how Jimmy was doing.

I wasn’t sure what to say to them. Should I tell them that he got fired? Should I just say that we’re making progress, but it’s slow? Or how about we’re still fighting like cats and dogs? I knew I should be truthful, but with Jimmy’s moods of late, I was a little nervous about telling the truth.

Recalling what he’d shouted to me minutes ago, I decided to chance it. I told the truth to everyone, about him getting fired, about the problems we were still having, everything. I left nothing out and then hit send. To hell with him; if he was going to keep acting the way he was, there wasn’t just a whole lot I could do about it. At the rate things were going, we were heading for divorce anyway and he’s be a 28 year old, unemployed man living in his parent’s basement.

Okay, that was kind of cruel. But really, the way he’s going, that’s about how it’s going to go. I watched as a few replies to my previous email came in and started reading. Most suggested not getting a divorce, citing Jimmy’s fragile mental status. I responded that I was quite tired of Jimmy’s ‘fragile mental status’ and that he needed to grow up and learn how to function in the real world.

I looked outside, wishing it was planting season. Nothing brings peace to our house quite like the gardens we work so hard on. I had already been looking up dates to submit to the county fair and the guidelines to make the state fair. I knew that Jimmy would likely earn several more blue and purple ribbons for his vegetables and fruits, and my breads and jams would win as well. There was no way either of us was going to give up our life here in Iowa to move to California. No way in hell.

***

We had another talk later that night. I’d made lasagna, since his folks were out celebrating, and surprised him with a flower delivery and the gift I’d gotten him. He’d gotten me a book and I was glad for it. Now we were sitting in Jimmy’s office. He was telling me that his counselor thought he was making progress and I kept my opinions to myself. He was brushing Ma and Pa was waiting patiently for his turn. We’d apologized for earlier, but the apology would be short lived.

“So, I got an email from Matt today,” he said, and I nodded. “Apparently, word going around home is that we’re divorcing and I’m moving home. Is this true?”

I looked at him in surprise. I had said no…well, maybe I hinted at it. But I didn’t mean it.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Not so far as I know. I know we’ve shouted a lot of things in the heat of anger, but apologies have been given accordingly.”

Jimmy put Ma down, cleared the brush of cat hair and gave her a treat. Pa jumped into his lap and he began brushing him. I suspected this was the only thing keeping this discussion calm. So far.

“Maybe we should talk about that,” he said, and I swallowed hard. Here it came, the moment I’d dreaded for 10 years, never mind my previous thoughts the last month. “What are we going to do? I’m not employed currently and I don’t know if anyone will hire me now. You’re constantly angry with me and I’m barely functioning. What’s left for us?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, staying as calm as possible. I knew we were heading into a shouting match, but I wanted to stave it off for a while.

“Well, I need to find a new job. I’ve been looking around and there’s not much out there. Everything requires at least an hour commute, and I’m not quite sure I want that. Mondamin is not hiring, and Missouri Valley is not hiring. Creighton, of course, has several openings now, but I know better than to apply. What are we going to do?”

“I guess I figured we’d get through this and you’d find a job here and life would go on,” I said, shrugging. My heart was pounding, though, wondering what he was going to say next.

“Dr. Mathias wants me to take a vacation before July,” he said, and I nodded. I tended to agree with the doctor. “So, I’ve taken mom and dad up on their offer. I’ll be leaving next week and I’ll come back in late March. I think this will benefit both of us.”

“Will you still come with me in July?”

“I don’t know. It will depend on the job situation. Mom wants me to look out there, but I told her I needed some time to decide first. Plus, you and I would have to agree to go together. I’m not going anywhere without you.”

I smiled and sighed with relief. I could live with that.

“I can live with that,” I said, and realized this was our first civil conversation in almost a month. Once he’d had his treat, Pa jumped down while Jimmy cleaned out the cat brush. “When does your flight leave?”

“Wednesday morning at 0900,” he said, and I thought I saw a hint of a smile creeping up on his face. Thoughts of moving back home surfaced again and it started to look more appealing. “It will be strange to spend that much time back home again. I’ve had mom and dad back for two years, but we usually stay with your mom when we go out or we get a hotel. I hope it goes well.”

“I’m sure it will,” I said, standing. I went over to his chair and waited for him to put the cat brush back. Then, I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled into his neck. I heard him sigh and for once, it sounded content. Maybe the therapy was working after all.

“I love you,” he said, and I grinned like a fool. “You know, there’s still some Valentine’s Day left.”

“Oh?” I asked, a bit flirtatiously.

“Yep,” he said, and brought me around to face him. I straddled his lap, pleased with what I felt beneath me. They say some people fight just to make up. Those people might be right. Jimmy kissed me passionately, and we stood up, feeling like teenagers, as we hurried upstairs and quickly closed the door on any four legged, furry spectators.

26

Thoughts so far?

***

I laid next to Jacoby, basking in the glow. It had been a tough month and the make-up sex had been just what we needed. I’d apologized for everything and he’d assured me everything was okay. He understood that I was having a hard time of things and he was okay with me going to California without him. My finances were covered thanks to my parents, who’d unearthed an old college fund of mine, which they’d been contributing to during my disappearance, in the hope that I’d be found and get to use it. I never got to use it, though there was enough to help with the slight student loan debt I had incurred.

“Do you know how much I love you?” I asked, as he wrapped his arms around me and nestled his sweaty, naked body closer to mine. It felt good to be close again. “I mean, really. I’ve been the worst husband in the world the last month. Yet, you’ve put up with me. I know you wanted to throw me out more than once but I cannot say thank you enough for putting up with me. I never want to fight like this again.”

“Me either,” he said, and I knew he’d caught the 180 in my mood. My counselor said the medication was probably starting to work and the sessions were helping as well. A text from Hollister indicating that she was having success had even made me happy, though I kind of doubted I’d ever have my job back. “I don’t want to fight like this again ever, Jim.”

I snuggled closer to him, glancing at the clock. It was around 10 and I asked Jacoby if he had to work in the morning.

“I do,” he said, with reluctance. “I suppose I should get something together for lunch. There’s enough lasagna left over for me to take and you guys to have a decent lunch tomorrow. I work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. I’ll see if Sean will let me off to at least say goodbye at the airport.”

“I’ll see you before you leave,” I said, though I was going to miss having him there. “We have to be there by seven, so we’re leaving here around 0600. We can part here.”

“Okay,” he agreed, as we got out of bed. I was heading for the shower, and was surprised when he joined me. “Quick shower, eh?”

“Think we can leave our hands off each other?” he smirked and I laughed, already reaching for his erection.

“Not in a million years,” I said, starting the warm water.

***

All too soon, it was time to go. I held Jacoby until I absolutely had to let go and get into Anthony’s truck. He was our ride to the airport, since Jacoby had to work. Dad finally pried us apart and I promised him I’d keep in touch the entire month I was out there. We had one more kiss and then we had to go. He couldn’t be late for work and we wanted to get to the airport early to get through security.

I was excited to get home again, even though we were just there last summer, but this was different. This time, I was leaving Jacoby behind, since he couldn’t get the time off until July. Sean had called and wished me luck, and told me that I was close to getting my job back. I’d applied for unemployment at the urging of my parents, but of course the hospital was fighting it.

“I hope you have a good vacation, Jim,” Anthony said, as we neared the airport. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. We’re all rooting for you to get your job back. You wouldn’t believe how well Hollister has organized everything.”

“Oh, I can imagine,” I said, laughing. “Remember when Cory was on the verge of getting fired for doing what he was told? Good Lord, the board didn’t stand a chance!”

“They don’t stand one now, either!” he said, laughing as he pulled up to the drop off lane. “Take care, Jim, and keep me updated about your job. See you when you get home.”

“Thanks for the ride,” I said, as dad slipped gas money into a cup holder, out of sight. Anthony had declined to be paid for the ride, but dad insisted and I almost gave him away by laughing. “Drive safely home and when I get back, it will be spring time.”

Anthony waved as we got the last of our luggage. Mom and dad had quite a bit to take back, since they’d be here over a month. My sisters would be picking us up at the airport back home, and I was eager to see them. We got checked in, through security, and finally to our gate. There was time to kill, so we found some breakfast and passed the time talking and double-checking our carryon luggage.

“Flight 89456 to Los Angeles, California, now boarding,” a voice called over the intercom. “Flight 89456 to Los Angeles, California now boarding.”

We joined the line of people entering the plane and at last, I was on my way home.

***

Seven hours and one change of flight later, we landed in Los Angeles. I stepped off the plane feeling anxious, because this was a big change for me. I was normally doing this in the summer with more planning than a few days. I reminded myself that freaking out in public had gotten me exactly nowhere of late, and reminded myself that another black eye would not suite me. My face was finally healing up, though sickly green and yellow was not my color.

“Ready, Jim?” dad asked, and I jumped at his touch. “It’s okay to be nervous. Your counselor told us you might be. You’ll continue your sessions with someone out here, okay?”

I nodded, licking my dry lips, wishing my mouth wasn’t so dry. My hands were shaking and I knew a panic attack was building. Dad took my arm and navigated me through the crowd, understanding that I was not doing well. I followed him, glad to get to baggage claim, hoping that I’d be calmer in the car.

My left hand went into my pocket a few seconds later and withdrew my phone. With shaking hands, I turned it on and then dialed Jacoby. He’d be able to calm me down, I hope. I waited while it rang, praying he was on a break or in a position to answer. Just as I thought all hope was lost, he answered.

“Jimmy? Did you make it?”

“Yeah,” I said, and I knew he’d pick up on the fear in my voice.

“Hey, deep breath,” he instructed. “In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

I did as he said, several times, and I started to feel slightly better.

“What’s wrong? Just nerves?”

“Yeah,” I answered, taking yet another deep breath. “I was fine until we got into the crowd. Then I started to panic. My routine is off, Jacoby.”

“I know, Jim, but this is what you’re working on, remember?” he asked, and I nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see me. “This is the big first step okay? This is your vacation to relax and take some stress off. Just think how stressful the last month has been. Take this time to relax.”

“I’m trying,” I said, as dad grabbed our luggage. “I’m trying really hard, Coby, but it’s hard. I wish you could’ve come.”

“I wish the same,” he said, and I could hear the sadness in his voice. “But it didn’t work out and you need to be strong without me. I’m always a phone call away and Sean’s letting me have my phone while you’re gone.”

“I love you, Cobs,” I said, as we exited the airport with my sisters. “But I’m so scared, you know? I’m so scared because this is only my third time home and I’ve only been reunited for two years.”

“I love you, too,” Coby said, and it felt like a hug. “I have to go, but don’t hesitate to call me. If I don’t answer, I’ll call back the second I’m able, okay? I have the rest of the week and the weekend off after this, so I’ll have the phone at all times.”

“All right. I love you, honey. See you in a month.”

We hung up and I took a deep breath, feeling the warm air of home. It’s amazing how, in a few hours, you can go from snowy, cold Iowa to hot, sunny Southern California. I was overdressed for the weather, and I quickly shed my backpack to take off my coat. My sisters got us set up in Katie’s car as I crawled in the back, my legs bouncing with nervousness. I knew I was going to be okay, but it didn’t feel like I was going to be okay. It felt like I was going to faint or something.

“Deep breath, Jimmy,” Mom said, pulling me into a hug. “Deep breath. It’s going to be okay, even if you don’t believe it.”

“I’m just scared,” I admitted, watching the scenery out the window. Palm trees, blue skies, tan people, all walks of life going by as we headed for the interstate. “It’s only been two years that we’ve been back together and my routine is all off. I know this is what I need, but it’s hard.”

“I know. That’s why we’re going to the house first and taking it easy,” she assured me, taking my hand. “You’re medication is working, remember? You’re going to see a counselor out here and everything is going to be fine, Jimmy, I promise. If you have any panic attacks, we’ll deal with them. We’ve been working with your counselor and she gave us great advice to help you.”

I nodded, closing my eyes, thinking sleep would help. The jet lag shouldn’t be a huge deal, since it’s only two hours, but I was exhausted. I think the last month just caught up to me. I knew this was going to be good for me, but right now I’m so scared I can’t even see straight.

“Jimmy, we’re here,” my mom’s voice roused me from my sleep and I was surprised that I felt calmer. “You can go back to bed when we get inside.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost three in the afternoon,” dad said, and I nodded, pondering continuing my nap or just staying awake. “Your friends want to see you while you’re home. I think Johnny’s organizing a BBQ for some point. I told them to wait a couple of days and let you get settled first.”

“Thanks,” I said, relieved. I wanted to see all of my friends too, but not today. I needed to get settled, meet my temporary counselor and figure out what I’m going to do with my life. “I just need some time to settle in and do some hard core thinking.”

“We’ll give you all the space you need,” dad said, as we took our bags inside. I headed upstairs, since my old room was still open, and put my suitcase down. The room had been changed over the years into a simple guest room, and it looked nice. The black walls and posters were gone, the carpet was clear of debris and clutter. It was nice. “We painted your old room.”

“I like it,” I said, as I moved into the room. “It looks nice.”

“We, uhm, didn’t know if you were ever coming back.”

“It’s okay,” I assured him. I’d never seen him so unsure of himself. “Really, it looks really nice and I’m glad I get to stay here. It will be just the right environment for what I need to do.”

“Whenever you’re ready, come on downstairs, otherwise, we’ll call you for supper,” he said, as he closed the door behind him.

I flopped down onto the bed and rubbed my hands over my face. What in the world was I going to do?

I'm seriously hooked, had a brief moment last night as I was catching up when I had to walk away for a while. My parents have just been through something rather similar, right down to my father (the one who had the breakdown) demanding a divorce before giving therapy a chance. Sadly, their relationship didn't work out like Jimmy and Coby.

*hugs* I'm sorry things didn't work out for your folks =(. J/J have a lot of battles left, but things are going better for now. I hope things work out as well as they can for you!

d'awww, thank you sweetie. Things are better for me and my mum now, we're soldiering on. Shall stay hooked to see how Jimmy and Jacoby get on.

27

The house was lonely in Jimmy’s absence. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t miss the fighting. But I miss him and the cats do, too. He’s been gone a week and I’m going stir crazy on my own. He calls every night at ten our time and lets me know how things are going. So far, so good. He’s calm now, and he’s getting an idea of what to do next. I told him that Hollister is still working on restoring his job, so he’s not going to look too seriously yet. His unemployment finally got approved, so that was a blessing as well.

Tonight, we were talking as usual. He’d been to a BBQ thrown by his friend Johnny and had enjoyed himself immensely. I was proud of him and how calm he sounded. The old Jimmy was coming back and I was counting down to his homecoming. He’d assured me he would be coming home, because, as he put it “California’s nice, but I need my house and my husband and my kitties.” I had a good laugh at that with him, but I was relieved to hear the news at the same time.

“Have you heard anything about my job?” he asked, and I could hear the rustle of the bedcovers as he changed positions.

“Not yet, but Hollister sees the board tomorrow, and I think you’ll get a decision then.”

“Let me know,” he said, and I said I would. “I’ve been going to beach a lot. It’s really nice here. I heard we got more snow?”

“I’m snowed in for a couple days, at least. Thank God I went shopping after work on Tuesday, or I’d be snowmobiling into town. We got half a foot,” I said, with a sigh. I envied him, going to the beach. It occurred to me, of course, that I could have that if I moved, but I didn’t want to leave. “Too bad we can’t get seasonal work out there, huh?”

“I know. There’s a huge part of me that wants to come back, Jacoby, but the rest of me doesn’t. I can’t give up our spring, summer, and fall there for a little sunshine in December.”

“I know, but I’m thinking about moving back, Jimmy; it might be the medicine you need. We can have gardens out there, too, and mom has found a few acreages that aren’t too horribly high in price. But I don’t know. We’re known around here and people will miss our vegetables.”

“Look how much work we put into the house,” he pointed out and I sighed. “I don’t want to give that up, Coby. I can’t leave Iowa, even though I know this would be the best place for me.”

“But on the other hand, Jimmy, look how happy you are. In one week, you’ve made a complete turnaround with your depression. I know some of that is the medication and the counseling, but you’re different in a good way. I like this change, and it’s something we should consider. We can be prizewinners out there, and I know a friend who would love to buy this acreage and have our gardens. She’d grow stuff better than we ever could.”

“Let me guess, Hollister?” he asked with a bit of a laugh.

“Good guess,” I said, laughing with him. This was the old Jimmy, I thought, the Jimmy I’ve missed the last month or so. “You know she’s a master Gardner as well as a master negotiator?”

“Isn’t she just a master everything?”

“Possibly,” I agreed, nodding. “But what do you think?”

He sighed thoughtfully. “Honestly, it might be for the best. I’ve looked to see what’s out here and there are jobs. I don’t know if anyone will hire me, is the problem. The last month at work is on my record, Cobs. I might be screwed.”

“Well, we won’t know until we try, right? So, if we can get jobs, we’re moving back?”

“Maybe we should wait to decide and apply. It’s only been a week, Jack,” he said, and I blushed at the old nickname. He hadn’t called me Jack in years. “The good stuff might wear off. Let me do some more thinking and look at what your mom found. We’ll give it another week and then decide.”

“That’s fair,” I agreed, nodding once again. “Well, I’d better get going. I’ve got two expectant looking cats here and I think they might be hungry.”

“Tell them daddy loves them,” he said, and I said I would. “I love you, Jack.”

“I love you, too, Slim,” I said, and we hung up.

Oh did I ever miss that man.

***

Hollister and I had the following day off and it was the big day, so to speak. We stood with as many people as could make it and waited for the board to decide on our petition to get Jimmy his job back. We’d already had to answer some tough questions and the board asked if he’d gotten a new job yet. I said he was applying here and in California, but hadn’t gotten anything yet.

We were third today, since the board was hearing quite a few such petitions. At last, with nerves building, we were given our decision.

“In the matter of James Sullivan, terminated due to behavioral problems, the board has heard from several supporters. They wish to have him reinstated and his record expunged. After listening to the supporters and considering all of the evidence before us, the board has decided that the termination and his record will stand.”

“Excuse me!” Hollister said, moving forward. The president of the board looked annoyed.

“This is not a public forum, Miss Waters, please sit down. You have done what you can do, now please, let’s move on. In the case of…”

With our heads hung low, we left the boardroom. I hope Jimmy doesn’t take the news too badly. He didn’t think he had a chance and he was right, so I was hopeful that that would be enough for him. I took my phone out, as I walked outside into the cold February air. The new snow would’ve been pretty any other day.

“Hey Cobs, they hand down my fate yet?”

“Yeah. We tried, Jim, but your termination and record stand.”

“Well, you tried,” he said affably. “It just opens the field for me.”

“What are you thinking?” I asked, knowing it had now been two weeks since he’d gone home for his vacation.

“Well,” he started as I climbed into my truck. “I looked at three of the places your mom found. One of them I hated, one was okay and one was like heaven on four acres.”

“Explain,” I said rolling down the windows. I’d sit here until we were done talking, since he was so interested.

“Remember the condition of the farmhouse in Mondamin?” he asked, and I remarked that I clearly did. “This is the exact same house, Jack. I’m not even kidding. I’ve taken pictures and I’ve sent them via Kodak. But you are going to shit when you see this place. They want $3,000 for it. We can raze it or we can fix it. We couldn’t get inside past the threshold of the front door, because the floors are so bad, but Jack, the things we could do! Imagine! Four acres all to ourselves and our little tractor! The stuff we grow there grows here, too, and I talked to a friend of mom’s. She can transplant everything out here. She’ll even do it for free for mom. We need to talk it over, but we should so do it!”

“What about jobs, though?”

“We’ll apply around and see what we get,” he said, and it was clear that he was bursting with excitement. It was contagious I have to admit. “What do you think?”

“I think send me some job listings,” I said with a laugh. “I can’t believe I’m even considering this!”

“Do you think we’re nuts?” Jimmy asked and I paused.

“We might be, but by God, if it helps, we’ll make it work. Even if we’re living with our parents again, we’ll make it work.”

I swear to God he squealed. I’m not joking; my husband squealed with happiness, and I can just imagine him jumping for joy. I laughed, as he said our goodbyes and hung up. I can’t believe we’re doing the one thing we said we wouldn’t. But now that I see how much being out there has helped him already, I can’t help but think it’s going to continue. I just hope this isn’t the so-called honeymoon period, you know? If we move there, we aren’t coming back, and I’d hate to move out there, give up what we have here, and then have the troubles start all over again.

***

I couldn’t believe how quickly the month ended. Spring had started just a day ago when Jimmy returned and already, most of the snow had melted. We’d made no hard plans yet to move, and hadn’t signed any loan papers yet, either. We were going to talk to the bank and see what we could get first and then look for jobs and go from there. If we ended up staying here, then we ended up staying here.

I was currently waiting at baggage claim for Jimmy. His flight had landed about five minutes ago, and I was just starting to see the first trickle of passengers coming down the escalator. I wasn’t sure what kind of mood he was going to be in, so I’d prepared myself for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was kind of nervous, to be honest; he’d had such a good time out in California that I didn’t want it ruined by coming back.

Finally, I saw him at the top of the escalator. He was doing well, I thought, for it being so crowded, and I waited for him to spot me. I watched as he got closer and then, finally, a grin broke out on his face and he waved to me. I broke into a face-splitting grin of my own and ran for him, finally taking him in my arms and holding him tight. He smelled so good and his arms felt so right around me.

“I’m so glad you’re home!” I exclaimed, as we parted and went to get his bags. I grabbed his suitcase and carried it all the way to the truck. He grinned as we got outside and he saw how much snow was gone.

“I’m glad to be home, too,” he said, taking my free hand. We walked hand in hand to the truck and I had to kiss him before he got in. “So, anything exciting go on while I was gone?”

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. I started the truck and headed for the exit of the parking ramp. “We had one final shot of snow last week and that’s been it. Now it’s all 40s on up for temps and we’ve even had some rain. How was home?”

“Home was good,” he said, nodding. “I had missed it, to be honest. But it didn’t rain but a few times while I was there. It was kind of a letdown, really.”

I hadn’t thought about that. California weather, at least in Southern California, was typically sunny. They had their rainy season, of course, but nothing like we get up here. They didn’t have spring storms or summer storms with tornados and whatnot. Jimmy loved the thunderstorms, because they calmed him. He’d sit out on the porch for hours and listen to the rain and watch the lightning. Sometimes, if the storms hit during the day, he’d go storm chasing. He’s gotten some amazing video and pictures from those chases, even if they try my nerves because I worry for his safety.

“Are we sure about this moving thing?”

“I don’t know,” he said, thoughtfully, as I made my way onto the interstate. “Part of me says yes, but part of me says no. Mom says to think on it, since I have a few months of unemployment pay coming. I’m going to look for jobs all over the US.”

“I agree that we should think on it some more,” I said, nodding. “I talked to Sean and he’s begging me to stay. He wants you back, too, but knows that won’t happen.”

“True,” he said, nodding. I know he was upset about things, but he also knew that it wouldn’t do to have an outburst about it. “Well, I’ll keep looking. I’d like to stay and I’d like to leave. I don’t think I know what I want.”

“Same here. The temptation to head home is strong, but we’ve established ourselves here and we’re so rooted, I don’t know about leaving.”

“Well, we’ll sit down and talk it out over the next few weeks,” he said, taking my free hand. “We’ll make a sound decision and make sure we can live with it.”

“I love you,” I said, and he smiled, kissing my hand. I knew he was right, but I was feeling slightly overwhelmed with our decision, all at once, to move.

I don’t know if I want to or not.

28

I think, now that I've read this chapter once again, this is a very important chapter for these two...be interesting to see what others think as we head down the story road.

***

Once I’d had a good night’s sleep, I was feeling a little better about being away from home. Mom made a huge breakfast, clearly back in her element now that she was home. My sisters were over for supper that night, once they got off work and both told me that, if all else fails, there companies were hiring as well. I’d be doing data entry in a little cubicle from 8-5, but it’d be better than nothing.

Johnny called me about a BBQ at his house and asked when I wanted to come. I told him that, now I was settled, any time would work. I was eager to see my friends, since I don’t get home much and outside of the internet, we don’t get much time to talk. Zach and Matt had gone into the tattoo, too, so they understood about busy.

I arrived at Johnny’s around six the help set up, even though he said I didn’t have to. I really just wanted an excuse to see my friends for a bit longer since Matt and Zach both had to work the next day, so the party would wrap up early for them.

“Jimmy!” a voice called and I was soon tackled by Johnny’s wife, Lacey, who was grinning from ear to ear. “Welcome home!”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling as she helped me to my feet. Johnny was next, though I managed to stay standing this time, hugging my shorter friend. I’d known Johnny technically since he was born, since I was friends with his older brother for a time, but hadn’t gotten close to him until high school. I helped him out of a bad situation and we clicked. We actually dated for a short time, until he decided he’d rather date girls. “How are you, Johnny?”

“I’m good, man, how are you?” he asked, and while I knew it was an innocent question, I wasn’t sure how to answer.

“Good. Glad to be back for a while. Jacoby’s coming in July and I might be coming with him.”

“Everyone’s here, so head out into the backyard,” he said, gesturing to the patio doors.

“Thanks,” I said, looking around his house. It hadn’t changed much from last summer. The walls of the living room were still white, he still had cathedral ceilings that he hadn’t dropped down, and he still had the same brown couches and chairs. The dining room was connected and hadn’t changed either: white walls, oak table and chairs and his grandmother’s old hutch, which looked its age. I opened the white patio door and stepped onto the red deck, looking around the expansive backyard, part of which was his own private section of beach. Johnny owned the tattoo shop with Zach and Matt and did quite well. “Hey guys.”

I’m pretty sure what happened next would be called a stampede. I had no idea who was hugging me and touching me, and their voices all blended into one. I admit it was a bit overwhelming and I was grateful when I heard Johnny instructing everyone to get off me and let me breathe.

“Welcome home, Jim!” Val, Matt’s wife said, throwing her arms around me. “God have we missed you. Are you staying?”

“Just for a month,” I said, as I hugged her back. “But Jacoby and I are talking about returning, though we don’t know yet.”

“It’s not a decision to make lightly, is it?” Michelle, Val’s sister asked, sitting next to Brian. They were more cuddly than I remembered them being last time and I crooked an eyebrow. Brian was recently divorced from his husband of five years, so I don’t know that he’d be moving on already.

“No, it’s not. But, since I have no job, there’s not as much holding me back there. I just don’t want to leave what we have, you know? There will always be something I can do, even if it’s not what I love. So, we need to sit down and talk about our options. He’s still got a job and it’s hell to start over after this many years,” I explained, as I sat down with a can of pop. I knew there’d be plenty of alcohol, but I wasn’t going to partake. Brian handed me a beer, but I shook my head. “No thanks. I haven’t had a drink in over a year.”

“Congrats,” Zach said, high fiving me. He’d had his struggles as well and we clinked pop cans, as his wife Gena smiled at us. She’d been as supportive of Zach as Jacoby had been of me, though Zach didn’t have near the problems that I did. “How long sober all together?”

“Five years the week of our anniversary,” I said, determined not to stumble over the word. It still hurt me deeply, but I wasn’t going to let that ruin things today. “The fourth time’s the charm.”

“We’re proud of you no matter what,” Val said, squeezing my knee. I couldn’t believe I went 10 without my friends. What an idiot I was. “How are you holding up with everything?”

“Well, better than I thought,” I said, thinking back over the last few weeks. “I didn’t get out of bed for four days after they fired me. I’ve worked so hard there and the people that cared about me supported me. It’s up to the board, though, and they don’t know me, of course. In the end, the board handed down the decision and I was stuck. One of my co-workers is leading the charge to get my job back, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

“Well, just take it one day at a time,” Michelle said, taking my hand. “And remember that we’re here, too, even if we are in a different state.”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling. There was a moment of silence, then Johnny said he was going to start to the grill. I got up and started walking around, since I’d never done well in crowds, especially of late. I walked down to the beach, shedding my sandals and walked into the cold, salty water.

“Jimmy?”

I turned and saw Zach walked toward me, his sandals next to mine, as we stood together letting the small waves wash over our feet. I finished my pop and set my can down in the sand, watching Zach do the same. Then, impulsively, he hugged me.

“Congrats on five years, man,” he said, standing back and turning once again to look out over the ocean. The sky was reflecting off it and making it seem bluer than usual. “I’m only at two. I had a bad relapse right before you found us again. But I’m doing it, and Gena’s so proud.”

“Congrats,” I said, understanding how he felt. I’d come so close to relapsing of late, but I’d kept my wits about me. “I’ve had some close calls of late. But so far, I’ve kept myself in check. It’s not easy, though. I got a free bag of coke from my dealer, but I haven’t touched it yet.”

“Don’t touch it and throw away five years of sobriety,” Zach advised, and I nodded, knowing he was right. “I know it’s tempting and all, but don’t do it. Gena was good about the relapse, but I know her patience will run thin.”

“I think Jacoby’s already has,” I said, as Johnny called us back to eat. We picked up our cans and shoes and started back. “You know, I think I want to move back. I don’t know why, but I do. I miss it out here, you know? Iowa’s been bad luck for me, and maybe it’s time to turn that luck around.”

“We’d love to have you,” Zach said, as we walked through the soft grass and onto the deck, leaving wet footprints in our wake. “If you need any help deciding what to do, we’re here for you.”

“I know,” I said, getting in line with everyone else. I actually felt relaxed for a change, and was enjoying myself. They all seemed to know that I needed some space and no one was hounding me to talk about things. It was a nice change, considering all the therapy and such. Once we all sat down, I got an idea. “Anyone want to go out some night while I’m home? I don’t know when, but maybe one of these nights, hit a bar?”

“I’d be up for that,” Zach said, and I knew we’d keep each other honest. “Anyone else?”

Everyone decided it sounded like fun, so I told them to get their schedules to me and I’d pick an night. I could only hope I’d keep it together then as well as I was now!

***

We went out a week later and I had a blast. I was starting to feel like myself again and it was a great feeling. I knew that my time here was going to end eventually, as I would be returning home in two weeks, but now, more than ever, I wanted to come back. Jacoby and I talked every night about the pros and cons of moving or staying and we knew we had a big decision to make.

I talked it over with friends and family out here as well, and they all understood what a tough decision this was going to be. We would not make it lightly, and whatever we decided, we wanted them to be understanding about it. Naturally, everyone here advocates for our return, but they understand how established we’ve become in Iowa, too. It’s not like we can magically transport the farm out here, though that would be grand.

By the time my month was up, I was feeling back to my old self. I stood in the airport and said goodbye to my friends and family, feeling a little anxious as I went through security and got a coffee before sitting at my gate and reading. Jacoby would meet me in Omaha and I was just bursting with excitement. I’d looked at an acreage out here and I think we’d love it.

He’d seemed excited when we’d talked on the phone about it, but of course, I knew we had to wait. The realtor said it wasn’t going anywhere, unless a contractor bought it and tore it down, so she’d make sure it was still there if we wanted it later.

My flight was called and I stood, tossing my empty paper cup in the trash. We had so much to talk about when I got home, and I wanted to get started. It’s not fun being unemployed, but at least it was in the spring; I could do yard work to keep myself busy while I collected unemployment and looked for a job.

***

Once I got home, I contacted the appropriate state boards to find out the status of my licenses; so far, they were all under review. Apparently, they were looking to see if I was wrongfully terminated. I thought I was, but didn’t feel like fighting it right now.

I will tell you that unemployment isn’t nearly what it’s cracked up to be. Thank God I’m collecting it in the spring time and not the winter. I’m outside everyday picking up branches, raking leaves, and soon, it’ll be time to mow. My asthma doesn’t like it, but I say ‘tough’. I’m an outside kind of guy and this is my time of year to be outside and work in the yard. Once the ground is warm enough, I can start tilling and getting our gardens ready.

Currently, I was out on the front porch with a cup of coffee, pondering the yard. I figured I could spend my morning picking up branches, and then spend the afternoon raking the remainder of the leaves. When I got that all done, I could look at the gardens and see if they needed anything done. I’d already removed the dead leaves, but there were some plants we didn’t get a chance to cut back before the first snowfall, so I wanted to give that a go.

I finished my coffee and returned inside to put it in the sink, then headed for the shed. I grabbed the rake and some gloves and got to work. I had a barrel sitting out already, and I started by filling it with the remaining branches. It didn’t take me long to finish, and then I moved on to the remainder of the leaves. I wondered how my care of the lawn would change when I was done with therapy. I’d like to think that it’s okay to be a little obsessed with the yard, after all. People see that, even out here in the middle of nowhere, and I want it to look nice.

I finished with the leaves and realized that it was lunchtime. Since I wanted to return to work quickly, I went inside and put a frozen pizza in. I turned on the radio, and my brow furrowed when there was news playing instead of rock music. This station was not known for news coverage, so I knew it had to be a big event.

“Just a heads up for those of you heading into town for the day,” the DJ said, and I listened attentively. I was considering a run to Menards later. “There’s a big wreck at the 680 entrance ramp off I-29. Looks like four cars and an ambulance were involved. Crews are on the scene, but you might want to take an alternative route into town.”

My heart dropped; what if Jacoby was in that ambulance? We couldn’t afford to have both of us off work! Worse yet, what if he died? There’s no way I could live without him. I jumped as my phone rang, coinciding with the beeping of the timer. I got my pizza out and turned the oven off, then answered my phone.

“Hello?”

“Jimmy, it’s Sean.”

“Oh God,” I said, feeling faint. I grabbed a chair and prepared for the worst. “Is he dead?”

“No, he’s on his way here, though. Can you drive?”

“I’ll be there shortly,” I said, hanging up. I glanced at my food, then grabbed a plate and took four slices with me. I shoved the rest in the fridge, even though I knew that wasn’t a great idea. I hopped in the truck and sped toward Omaha, gulping down my lunch. I had no idea how badly he was hurt, and I feared the worst. What if he can’t work anymore? What if he’s badly disabled? What if he’s brain damaged? I passed the scene of the wreck and it looked bad. The air ambulance was on the ground and I felt a pang of regret go through me.

I arrived at Creighton in record time. I ran into the ER and went straight for the information desk. Sean met me halfway and took me into the ER.

“What happened?” I asked, as we walked toward the main bay.

“Jacoby’s rig was coming back from a call and someone merged into them. That caused a chain reaction. He’s in bay two.”

I bolted for the curtained off area and realized it was quiet in there. Nervously, I peeked in and was relieved to see him sitting up in bed. He had an IV in his arm and some bruises on his face, but he didn’t look too bad.

“Hey,” he croaked out and I breathed with relief. “I’m okay. It’s a rough ride, though, when you’re not strapped down.”

“What happened? Sean said someone merged into you?” I asked, pulling up a chair beside him.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding. I noticed that his left arm was splinted, and hoped it wasn’t broken. “We were taking the exit pretty fast, of course, since we had a critical chest pain with us. We were just onto the ramp when we got pushed to the side. Some car came flying at us, going faster than we were. We rolled and there were at least three other cars that tried to stop and rammed into each other. I tried to protect the patient, and last I knew the patient was okay. I haven’t heard anything else about the crash, have you?”

“No. I first heard it on the radio and then Sean called. Are you okay?”

“I’ll live. My arm’s busted, and I’m going to be bruised to hell for a few days, but at least we all survived. Anthony’s a few bays down with a broken leg and Hollister got off with just a few bruises. I don’t know about our patient or anyone else.”

“Your patient is fine,” Sean said, as he came to check on Jacoby. “I’ve checked on Anthony and Hollister and they’re doing fine as well. The driver of the car that hit you is in surgery, but it doesn’t look good. The other three car’s drivers all sustained injuries that are non-life threatening and we’re getting them triaged now. You’re going to x-ray soon, and then you’re going home to rest.”

“I’ll be fine to stay on,” he protested, and I had to laugh.

“Once you get that first shot of pain medication, you’ll be worthless,” I said, and Jacoby groaned. “Trust me; you don’t want them setting that arm without pain medication.”

“I know,” he grumbled, and Sean laughed, as one of the x-ray techs came with a wheelchair.

While Jacoby was gone, I asked Sean what would happen now.

“He’s got short term disability and he’ll get workmen’s comp for this. I don’t know how long he’ll be off but probably a couple of weeks. He’ll have limited duty when he returns, which will suck for me,” Sean said, and I laughed. “All three of them are going to be on limited duty, and I’m going to have three of the crankiest EMTs known to man in my ER.”

“How is Hollister? Coby said she got off lucky?”

“We thought so, but she’s got a pretty good broken ankle,” he said, sighing. “The good news is that the driver is being charged with reckless driving, speeding, and probably other charges if she makes it through surgery. It’s not looking good, though. I heard that her estimated speed was around 90 when she plowed into the ambulance.”

“How’d she survive impact?” I asked, my eyebrows raised. “I’ve honestly scraped people like her from the pavement before.”

“No one knows how she survived. The airbags deployed and she’s a mess, but she was alive and conscious when they wheeled her into surgery,” he said, as Jacoby returned. I stepped out so the doctor and a couple nurses had the room they needed to work on him. Sean and I walked down to see Anthony and Hollister. “Hey Tony, how you feeling?”

“Ugh,” he complained, rubbing a hand over his face. It was clear that he was still tripped out on morphine, but his leg had been dealt with and sported a nice blue cast that covered his entire leg. “Groggy as shit. I’m waiting for my wife to come take me home, once PT lets me up on crutches. Sorry about the rig, man.”

“Not your fault,” Sean said, as a very tall, muscular woman with long dark hair entered the bay. “Hi Annie.”

“Hey Sean. Can I take my man home yet?”

“Not yet. He’s not cleared with PT. That leg’s going to need some time to heal,” he said, gesturing to the broken limb. A very large snore issued from the bed and we all laughed. “And I don’t think he’s awake enough yet.”

“He’s too heavy for me to carry,” she said, taking a chair at the bedside.

“With all those muscles?” I teased and she punched me on the arm. “You’re abusive, woman!”

“Then don’t tease me,” she retorted, pretending to be hurt by my joke. “I’ll take you out in a second, Shaddix.”

“I surrender,” I said, raising my hands in the air. “You win.”

She smirked, as Sean and I moved on to check on Hollister. I’d head back once Jacoby was ready to leave. There was no sense in crowding the already small bay, and I didn’t need to see yet another bone get set. I can set them myself, so why watch? We checked on Hollister, who was in better shape than Anthony. We watched her take her first steps on crutches and laughed at her form.

“You of all people should know how to do this,” I teased, and she flipped me off. “Honestly, Hollis. Stand up straight, keep those damn things lower than your armpits and swing forward. Remember how I did it when I broke my leg five years ago?”

A tumble on the ice had landed me in misery for over four months. I broke the two bones in my shin and my ankle. Let me tell you about walking on crutches…it sucks!

“I’ll try that,” she said, and adjusted her position. She swung forward and we applauded. “That was easier. It’s going to be a long two months, isn’t it?”

“At least you broke it now instead of a month or two ago,” I pointed out, watching as Jacoby’s cubicle emptied. “I better go check on Coby. You get healed up, you hear?”

“I will. You tell Coby the same thing,” she said, as she continued to practice. I met her husband on my way back to Coby and directed him to her cubicle.

“Hey Cobs,” I said, as I entered his little cubicle again. His left arm sported a nice bright orange cast to his shoulder, and he was clearly out of it. “Morphine?”

“It’s a bitch,” he slurred, yawning. “But I didn’t feel anything. You get my clothes from my truck? I’ll drive that home.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll sit with you until the doctor discharges you, okay? Get some sleep. I’ll get your duffel, you forget about driving.”

He drifted off, and I sat back, pondering the day. We got lucky, when you think about it. Jacoby and Anthony were unrestrained in the back of the rig, and they came out okay. It sounded like everyone was going to be fine, except perhaps the driver that hit them. Sean came to check on Jacoby and handed me the papers to start workers’ comp and short term disability, just in case he was out longer than two weeks.

“The driver survived surgery,” he whispered and I nodded. I couldn’t believe it, though I knew that she’d be lucky to make it the night, given how fast she was going. I wonder what she was thinking. “The doctor is going to come talk to you shortly and get Jacoby home.”

“I’ll take good care of him,” I said, taking the pen Sean offered me. I figured I might as well get the paperwork started so Jacoby could sign it later.

We sat together for a bit as the worst of the pain medication side effects wore off. By the time my husband was coherent, the doctor was here to discharge him home. I’d seen Hollister and Anthony both leave, and now we’d be leaving as well.

Jacoby signed the papers and got fitted for a sling, and then we were free to go. He was going to be hurting for a few days, so we had to stop by the pharmacy when we got home and get his pain pills. I knew this was going to be quite a test for me; I used to be a frequent abuser of Vicodin. When I’d broken my leg a few years ago, I’d managed to use the narcotic pain pills I’d been given as prescribed, mostly because Jacoby was monitoring me around the clock. I hoped I had the same strength now.

Yeah, no kidding on that being a big chapter. Things are gonna get seriously interesting from here on out. I'm nervous *bites nails*

CiaraCobb wrote:Yeah, no kidding on that being a big chapter. Things are gonna get seriously interesting from here on out. I'm nervous *bites nails*

They are indeed! I hadn't realized it until now, but this really sets things in motion for the remaining chapters and even into the first bit of the sequel.

I did make a couple of edits: I had the jobs wrong for the California crew, so I put them to rights =). I need to work on continuity on this story...I wasn't as careful with this one for some reason!

29

I was seated in the back of rig 44 as it flew down the interstate, trying to get a critical chest pain patient to Creighton. I thought the helicopter should have been called but the ambulance had been sent instead. The patient was scared, but Anthony and I were keeping her calm. The nitro pill she’d been given had helped the chest pain, and I watched her heart monitor as Anthony got an IV started.

“You’re going to be fine,” Anthony soothed once again, as the patient asked what was going on. “You’re going to the hospital and they’ll take good care of you.”

I reported the heart rate and rhythm to the ER and Anthony listened as the medication and dose to give were relayed by dispatch. He hooked up the medication to the IV, and then looked up at me. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a word out, the ambulance tilted and the sound of metal crashing into metal echoed through the cabin.

I threw myself over the patient, thankful she was strapped down and the stretcher secured to the floor. The rig rolled once, twice, three times, then landed on its side. When the motion stopped, I looked around, checking on the patient. She was tilted sideways, but she was still secure and appeared to be scared but uninjured.

“Rig 44 to base,” I said, a shaking hand reaching for the radio on my shoulder. “We’ve been in a rollover accident; requesting back up.”

“Help is on the way, remain calm,” Racheal, the dispatcher on duty, said. “How is the patient?”

“Still secure, but scared,” I said, my head spinning. I swallowed hard to keep the bile down, as I looked around the wrecked rig. “Hollister and Anthony are unconscious. I’m dizzy, probably concussed, but otherwise all right. We were on exit 43.”

“State Patrol radioed in and they’re en route now. Ground and air units on their way 44,” she said, and while her voice sounded calm, I knew she was worried about her friends.

“Anthony appears to have a broken leg,” I reported, hearing sirens approach. I had to do my job and stay calm. “Hollister I can’t see, but she’s lying across the seats, the seatbelt broke.”

“Roger that,” Racheal said, and there was silence for a moment. “State Patrol is on scene, Cobs. I’m going to be taking dispatch from them now. I’ll see when you get back here.”

The doors to the ambulance opened and two state troopers looked in. I was glad to see them, since I couldn’t move from my current position. I’d been thrown from my position protecting the patient and landed alongside the stretcher, on my left side facing the bench and cabinets in the rig. I felt blood on my face and knew the shattered glass in front of me had cut my face.

“I’m Jacoby,” I said, still breathing heavily. “Anthony and Hollister are unconscious. The patient is a critical chest pain, but the stretcher did the job. See if you can get her out first.”

“EMTs are on scene,” one trooper said into the radio on his shoulder. “Got one EMT half in and half out and two out. We’re getting the patient out now.”

“Air unit is on its way,” Racheal’s voice came over the radio and I closed my eyes for a moment. I shook myself awake, reminding myself that sleep was not an option right now. I needed to stay awake and do my job.

“All right, sir, we’re going to move the stretcher and then get you guys out, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, watching as EMTs came into view. It took a bit of doing and help from me, but the patient was moved out of the ambulance. I was starting to feel lightheaded, but I wouldn’t let myself sleep. If I slept, I knew I might not wake up. Another pair of EMTs started to help me, but I shook them off. “I’m okay, help Anthony and Hollister. I’ll stay with the rig.”

“Come with us, Cobs,” Jerry Michealson said, as his partner and wife Vanessa reached for me once again. “The state patrol has the rig and you’re not as okay as you think.”

“I’m good,” I insisted, even as the world spun. “A little concussed, perhaps, but okay.”

“All the same, come with us,” Vanessa said, finally guiding me out of the wreck. My knees buckled and she smiled at me. “Come on, Coby. You need medical attention as well.”

“I’m good, really,” I protested, even as I fell to the ground, heaving. When I stood again, I looked around and my eyes widened. There must’ve been at least four other cars involved in this wreck. I hoped everyone else was okay. “Tony and Hols need you more than me. I’ll help with the other victims.”

I started for one of the other cars, where two people were stepping out, but was restrained gently by Jerry.

“Nope, you’re coming with us,” Jerry insisted, as I watched my team. Anthony was out first, and headed for one ambulance, Hollister following shortly after. “There, they’re out and getting help; now come on.”

I followed reluctantly, unwilling to leave my rig behind. I knew that it would be safe, but I felt like I wasn’t doing my job. As I was strapped down to the stretcher and my neck secured, I thought about Jimmy. I didn’t know if he’d be able to handle this, and I wouldn’t be able to call him right now. I tried to reach my radio to call Sean, but I was strapped down and my left arm had a splint on it.

“Don’t worry, we’ve got it,” Jerry said, removing my radio. I frowned, but he laid the small radio to the side. “You just be the patient this time.”

“You have to call Jimmy. He won’t be okay if he hears this on the radio or something. He’s not strong enough yet,” I said, as I felt an IV slide into my hand. I could hear the siren going and I fought to stay awake. “I can’t handle him having another break down.”

“We’ll take care of it, you relax,” Vanessa said, preparing a syringe. “Just a little morphine, babe.”

Vanessa called everyone babe; that was her trademark. I remember the first time she called me that, right in front of Jerry and Jimmy. I was surprised when he didn’t get offended, because Jimmy certainly seemed offended, but she explained herself and ever since, I’ve been babe. My eyes tried to close again and I fought to keep them open. I couldn’t go to sleep, not with a concussion.

“We’re here, Coby,” Jerry announced, and I felt the rig stop, realizing I’d passed out for a bit. I flinched as the stretcher bounced a bit and then watched the familiar hallway go past me. It was odd to be the patient this time, a situation I’d been in only a handful of times since becoming an EMT. “Sean, would you call Jimmy? Coby’s worried about him.”

“Of course,” Sean said, and he came over to me. “Thank God you’re all alive. Anthony and Hollister just woke up, and they’re going to be fine. I’ll call Jimmy, you settle into bay two.”

I didn’t see that I had much choice, as I was transferred onto the ER bed. I finally gave up and drifted to sleep, even though I knew I shouldn’t. My head hurt and my arm hurt, but I wanted to be awake. I knew I was up for a lot of sleeping in the next few days, depending on the pain medicine I was prescribed.

I didn’t sleep for long, mostly because I couldn’t get comfortable and when I opened my eyes, I saw Jimmy nervously peeking into my cubicle.

“Hey,” I croaked out and he breathed with relief. “I’m okay. It’s a rough ride, though, when you’re not strapped down.”

“What happened? Sean said someone merged into you?” Jimmy asked, pulling up a chair beside me.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. I was so thankful that he was calm. I knew he’d probably been freaking out, but he’d gotten himself under control. “We were taking the exit pretty fast, of course, since we had a critical chest pain with us. We were just onto the ramp when we got pushed to the side. We rolled and there were at least three other cars that tried to stop and rammed into each other. I tried to protect the patient, and last I knew the patient was okay. I haven’t heard anything else about the crash, have you?”

“No. I first heard it on the radio and then Sean called. Are you okay?”

“I’ll live. My arm’s busted, and I’m going to be bruised to hell for a few days, but at least we all survived. Anthony’s a few bays down with a broken leg and Hollister got off with just a few bruises. I don’t know about our patient or anyone else.”

“Your patient is fine,” Sean said, as he came to check on me. “I’ve checked on Anthony and Hollister and they’re doing fine as well. The driver of the car that hit you is in surgery, but it doesn’t look good. The other three drivers all sustained injuries that are non-life threatening and we’re getting them triaged now. You’re going to x-ray soon, and then you’re going home to rest.”

“I’ll be fine to stay on,” I protested, and Jimmy had to laugh.

“Once you get that first shot of pain medication, you’ll be worthless,” Jimmy said, and I groaned. I’d already had one shot and trust me, it was working. “Trust me; you don’t want them setting that arm without pain medication.”

“I know,” I grumbled, and Sean laughed, as one of the x-ray techs came with a wheelchair. “Hi Marlys.”

“Hey, Coby. Get in my chariot and I shall drive like a bat out of hell for thee,” she said dramatically, and I had to laugh. It was nice to know that my colleagues weren’t nervous to care for a fellow colleague. Marlys had been here at least 40 years, and I suspect she’d seen plenty of her co-workers injured in that time.

With a little help, I got into the wheelchair, shivering a bit as air hit my skin. I was dressed in an ugly hospital gown and I’d be glad to get some real clothes on. I had clothes in my truck and I’d have to get those before I could go home. I watched the hallways go by in a blur and yawned. I just wanted to go home. Hell, I could set this bone myself, if they’d let me.

“Here you are, sire, I shall be back for you when they’re done taking pictures.”

“Thanks Marlys,” I said, as the tech came up and placed my arm where she needed it for the x-rays. The room spun a bit and I sighed; I’ll be glad when this concussion clears. When she was done, Marlys was back and I was settled into bed. Jimmy stepped out, and soon, my arm was set and casted. I’d drifted to sleep again once I got back, but when I woke up, Jimmy was filling out paperwork.

“Morphine?” he asked, looking up from his work.

“It’s a bitch,” I said, drifting off again. When I awoke, I felt more alert and Dr. Robeson was there to discharge me.

The doctor went over the instructions and then I signed the papers for my release. I knew I wasn’t going to feel up to much for a while, but with luck, I’d be back on the job after the first two weeks.

***

When we got home, I went straight to bed. Jimmy was calling our parents and then would call around and see if someone could drive my truck home. I, on the other hand, only wanted to sleep. I felt like shit, my face hurt from the bruises and minor cuts and I wanted to relax. The cats curled up with me, no doubt confused why I was home early and in such bad shape. I laid down and tried to get comfortable, but my head was throbbing and the room was spinning. I figured I’d knocked my head around pretty well, and if the vertigo kept up, I’d have to tell the doctor.

I don’t know how long I slept, but it didn’t feel like very long before Jimmy was asking if I wanted supper. Eleanor and Hank, an elderly couple who lived a mile up the road, had caught wind of the accident. They knew that we were short on money right now and Eleanor had made two weeks’ worth of casseroles for us. When I heard lasagna, I decided I could wake up for that.

“How are you feeling?” Eleanor asked, as I entered the kitchen.

“Better, but not great,” I admitted, as I sat down. Eleanor wasn’t going to let anyone do anything while she was here and I admit it was welcome. “The pain medication always makes me feel bad.”

“Well, at least it’s temporary,” she said, fussing over me and making sure my sling was straight and smoothing my rumpled hair. “Now, you only eat what you can, okay? I brought enough food for two weeks and these things freeze like the dickens. I brought over some bars, cookies, and a cake, too, so you guys don’t have to worry for a while.”

“I don’t know what we’d do without you, Eleanor,” Jimmy said, as he sat down. He, too, knew it was best not to fight Eleanor’s directions.

“You’d starve!” she said, causing us all to laugh. “Now, eat up boys!”

Not only had she made her famous lasagna, but there was homemade garlic bread, fresh vegetables from her cellar and dessert. I knew it was all homemade or homegrown, and I delighted in the taste of the fresh ingredients. I was hungrier that I’d thought, and I managed two slices of bread and two slices of lasagna, along with a small bar. The chocolate chips were still warm and I knew she’d brought them straight from the oven.

“Thanks for supper,” I said, as I sat back, full but happy. Eleanor smiled and said it was no problem. “Thanks for the extra food as well. It helps since I’m going to be off work for a bit.”

“When Jimmy called, I wanted to help. I’m an old farm wife and what we do best in these times is cook, so that’s what I did,” she said, wiping her mouth. She was always the last one finished, since she refused to sit down and eat until everyone was served and eating. “Any time you need anything, you just let us know. My son’s going to bring your truck home tonight, Jacoby. He rode in with a friend, so that worked out nicely. He’ll just drop the keys inside your mailbox, so as not to wake anyone.”

“Thanks,” I said, making a mental note to call Edgar and thank him. “We appreciate all of your help.”

“Just think how many times you’ve helped us,” Hank said, as his wife started clearing the table. Jimmy got up to help and was instructed to sit back down. “This is just our way of saying thanks. I’m going to come over tomorrow morning and help Jimmy in the yard and getting the garden ready.”

“Thanks again,” I said, yawning. “I think I’m going to excuse myself. I’m still feeling tired.”

“You go to bed,” Eleanor said, turning from the sink. It was no good reminding her we had a dishwasher. “Jimmy, go with him.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

We went upstairs and Jimmy helped me change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. We sat up watching a movie until I drifted off, listening to the sound of Hank and Eleanor’s old Chevy truck as it rumbled up the gravel.

30

I watched Jacoby sleep, as the early morning light streamed in the window. It was around six in the morning and I was perfectly calm lying in bed. This surprised me, and I wondered, not for the first time, if I’d made the right choice to continue therapy. It wasn’t bothering me in the slightest that I was still in bed, no coffee going, just the quiet purr of the cats in their sleep.

“Jim?” Jacoby asked and I knew without him asking what he needed. The pain was in his voice and I hurried to the bathroom, taking out one pill. I wrote down the time and the dose and then got him a glass of water. The log was to keep me honest, and we agreed on it before we fell asleep last night. I handed him the pill and water and he sat up just enough to take it. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” I responded, as he propped himself up on his pillows. “How are you feeling?”

“Not as bad as I thought I would,” he said, though his face was very pale. “But I don’t feel great.”

“At least you don’t feel horrible,” I offered, though I knew it was little consolation. “The stiffness will be temporary, at least.”

“That’s the worst part,” he said, nodding slowly. “That, and the headache. I hate concussions.”

“That will clear soon as well,” I assured him, smiling. “Just take it easy for a couple of days and everything will be fine. Your mom said she’d call later today and talk to you.”

“Sounds good,” he said, yawning. His eyes closed and I knew the pill was kicking in. Pain pills were great, because they took away the pain and you got a chance to sleep. But it sucked because he was going to spend more time asleep than with me. Now that things were getting better, I wanted to spend more time together.

With a quiet sigh, I got out of bed and went downstairs to make coffee. I had been meaning to ask Jacoby if we could reschedule our anniversary, even though the date was long past. It was the middle of March now, but I didn’t care. I felt that I’d ruined things and I wanted a chance to make it better. I know that might sound childish, but it’s true. I had a temper tantrum, so I didn’t get to celebrate and that upsets me.

I scratched my bare stomach, thinking how nice it would be to get back outside for my runs. I ran on the treadmill during the winter, but it wasn’t the same. With all of the drama in my life of late, I haven’t done anything for exercise, except cry and scream and throw fits. My hair was still trying to recover from all of that; I hated how short it was cut. I asked my stylist to buzz it, as much as that hurt. I haven’t had to buzz my hair in a very long time, and as I run my hand over it now, it makes me sad. If I could’ve kept myself together, this wouldn’t have happened.

I carry a lot of guilt for my actions back in January. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it, because everyone is so concerned with my OCD problem. But I regret everything that brought me to this point right now. I regret the words I said, the actions I took. I regret my meltdowns and losing my job. But most of all, I regret that I hurt Jacoby.

I sighed as I thought about the fights we’d had. I can’t even remember now how many weeks we fought, but I regret it. In 10 years of marriage, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt him as much as I have recently. I don’t really know how to take it all back, either. I mean, we can go celebrate our anniversary but that’s only part of the hurt.

I shook my head and finished making coffee. By the time my shower was done, it would be ready and I could get my first glorious cup of wake up juice. I made my way upstairs and was quiet as I stepped into the bathroom to shower. Jacoby and I sleep nude, so that’s one less step I have to deal with in the morning. Once the shower was where I wanted it, I stepped in and let the warmth relax me. I was still troubled as to how I could make past wrongs right, though I knew that some things could never be taken back.

There was a voice in my mind that reminded me of the Vicodin sitting in the medicine chest, and I told that evil little voice where to stick it. I’m over that addiction and it’s not coming back. If I survived five years ago when I needed the stuff, I can survive now when I don’t. I know that it’s an easy release, but it’s one I don’t need. What I need to do is salvage my marriage and not let the past haunt me.

I finished my shower and stepped out to dry off, trying to come up with a great way to say ‘I’m sorry’. There’s so much for me be sorry about that it’s going to take more than one moment, I’m afraid. I figured I could start with making a meal for him, if we ever get all of Eleanor’s food eaten. I’m a terrible cook, but I can make a mean roast and that’s a good start. I could always take him out somewhere, I suppose, though I don’t know how personal that is. However…if I made it a total ‘us’ night, that might work!

The gears stared turning in my head, and I started to think of things he could do once he got to feeling better. He’s right handed, so we could go bowling, out to eat, see a movie, then come home and I’ll make the one thing I make really well: hot chocolate. It’s a from scratch recipe I got from someone at work and I’m not kidding: I can’t screw it up. It’s truly idiot proof, as Vanessa promised.

I knew Jacoby would need at least a week to feel human again, so I’d have time to plan. Between the broken arm and the overall feeling of ick from being in a rolling ambulance, he won’t feel up to much for a while. Time is what I need to get everything planned and time is exactly what I’ve got!

***

It took a couple of days, but Jacoby started to come around. I got myself to and from appointments, excited at the progress I was making. I stayed away from his Vicodin and he kept me honest by checking the log and sometimes watching me dispense the medication. When he was able, he’d get it on his own, but there were times when moving wasn’t something he had the energy to do.

The accident was a nightmare for us in a legal sense as well. The driver lived, if you can imagine that, but she’s being sued left and right. She’s never going to walk again, but amazingly, there’s no permanent brain damage. The rig is being replaced, of course, and there’s going to be plenty of compensation for Jacoby, Hollister, and Anthony, all of whom are off work for at least a month. The other drivers involved are faring better, with minor injuries that will heal in good time.

The hard part for us, though, is that this drove home how dangerous our jobs really are. Jacoby’s eager to get back to work, but I know it’s going to be hard on that first run. He had just enough energy to come into Mondamin with me the other day for gas and he was as jumpy as can be at the intersections. I know he’s going to be fine when he goes back, but I don’t know if my nerves can handle it.

It’s been a week now since the accident and he’s feeling much better. He’s moving around more and helping in the yard, and he doesn’t need the pain pills as often. That made me happy, because it means we’re not going to have them in the house for much longer and these cravings will diminish. Jacoby’s so proud of me for not acting on my cravings, but I don’t know how much longer I can be strong.

I’m currently sitting on our front porch enjoying a nice warm early spring day. We don’t get many of these in March, but this year is shaping up to be a warm one. There’s already a few early bloomers in our flower gardens, so I hope they can survive a cold snap if we get one. I looked out over our land, thinking about how we might leave this. Jacoby said that he’s seriously considering it now, more so than before. I told him I understood, but reminded him that the accident is no reason to leave; it could’ve happened out there just as well. He understood that, but he’s still considering it.

The porch door opened and I listened as Jacoby’s familiar footfall came toward me. He pulled up the other rocking chair and sat next to me, lowering himself down a little slowly, and I knew he was sore today. His back has been hurting of late, and he had a doctor’s appointment to get it checked out tomorrow.

“Back hurting again?” I asked and he nodded, wiggling a bit to get comfortable. “Want me to get you a pillow or an ice pack or anything?”

“Pillow and ice pack sound like a nice combination,” he said, starting to stand. I told him to sit and ran inside to get them. When I returned, I helped him situate the ice pack and pillow, then sat down, turning my chair to face him. “Thanks. You’ve been amazing of late, Jimmy.”

“You’re my husband,” I reminded him. “It’s my job to take care of you.”

He smiled, though it was a pained smile. I knew he was trying not to use the pain pills, but it looked like he needed one. I went inside on the pretense of using the bathroom, and returned with one pain pill and two glasses of water. Jacoby accepted the pill from me, though I knew he didn’t want it.

“It will help,” I reminded him, as he downed it then set his glass aside. We fell into a comfortable silence after that and I wondered if now might be a good time to reveal my plan. I’d spent the last week planning our night out and the two days we’d celebrate our anniversary, but wasn’t sure he’d like the ideas. Finally, I decided to go for it, as he started to doze off. “Uhm, I thought maybe we could have a re-do on our anniversary.”

Jacoby snored and I sighed, realizing that it was no good fighting the Vicodin. I’d have to talk to him later. I looked over our yard and I think it was at that moment that I almost made up my mind: I wasn’t sure I could leave; not when I have deer calmly grazing in my yard and all of this land to myself. Sure, the place I looked at back home was nice, but we’d have to start over. I don’t want to start over. I know winters here are hell and I know they try us, but in the end, I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

I think Jacoby wants to go home, even though he was just as opposed to it as me not so long ago. I hope I can talk him out of it, because I really do like it here. Sure, it’d be nice to have warm weather the year round, but I’d miss the thunderstorms and the nights we sit by lamp light because a storm took our power down again. I know that life in Iowa is not perfect, but it’s what we’re used to. I don’t know if I could go home again. My vacation was nice, but that’s what I wanted it to be: a vacation. We’re going again in July, hopefully, and I don’t want Jacoby to get so enamored that he stays. I can’t live without him, and I don’t want to move.

I watched him sleep and saw how stressful this has been. There were bags under his eyes, dark and heavy, his face was drawn, his eyes slightly sunken in. I’d caused that, I knew, with my behavior these last months. I was ashamed of myself, to be honest. I was ashamed that I’d caused my husband to look ten years older in the span of a few months. I was ashamed at my behavior, because I knew that I’d stressed so many people. I knew that if we could turn the dial back to January, we would, but you can’t do that in real life.

I got up and stretched, feeling a familiar ache in my leg. It was going to rain soon, if the darkening sky was any indication. I moved into the yard, feeling that the temperature had dropped a bit, and the wind had picked up. The window always howled in Iowa during the springtime, with only a few days without wind. I made a circuit of our yard, making sure that everything was latched down and was pleased with how nice the yard looked.

The first raindrops fell as I returned to the porch and got Jacoby to come inside. We’re trying to save up to enclose the porch, so we can sit out here when it rains, but all of our money seems to be going to medical expenses of late. The first bills from my time on psyche are rolling in and even with insurance, it’s expensive.

I didn’t want to leave Iowa because I didn’t want to leave what we have. I know, I know, I’m repeating myself. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m trying to convince myself; but it’s true. I think getting a new counselor would be a detriment to my recovery, and it’s not something I want to go through.

I sat on the couch in the living room, leaving Jacoby to the recliner. He sleeps a little better with his back if he’s sitting up slightly, and the chair is better for that. I looked out the window, watching the cold, clear drops of water slide down the window. I thought about the work we’d put in this place and all the years it had taken to get it livable. I couldn’t start over somewhere new; there was no way.

I stood up and stretched, heading for my office. I had my plans for the night out with Jacoby tucked away in there and wanted to review them. I’d decided to start with supper here, probably some of Eleanor’s food or a roast, since we’ve talked about my cooking skills, then we’d go bowling. He loves to do it and there’s nothing wrong with it being just the two of us. Naturally, I’ll let him decide if he wants to invite any friends along.

After bowling, we’ll take in a movie or go to a bookstore. After that, it’s home for some of my hot chocolate and then he’ll probably want to go to bed. I didn’t know when this would happen, considering that he’s still hurting, but I wanted it to be soon. I couldn’t put off my apology any longer, because it was eating me up inside with guilt.

I’m not sure why I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but it’s just never come to light. I’m not one to talk about my feelings much, though my counselor has certainly gotten me to open up more than most. But I keep the guilt hidden away, waiting for a moment to talk to Jacoby about it. I didn’t feel I needed to share my guilt with anyone else, since it revolved around my husband and I and no one else. That’s not to say I hadn’t considered talking to someone about it, but it just never seemed right to do so.

“Hey Jim?” Coby asked, as I heard my office door creak open. I hastily put away the papers I was working on and turned to face him. “You started to say something outside before I fell asleep. I wasn’t ignoring you; what did you want to talk about?”

“It’s okay, I knew the pain pill was kicking in,” I said, and all at once, my nerves kicked into over drive. It’s just my husband, but I think we all know how hard it is to apologize, don’t we? “Well, I kind of, uhm, wanted to apologize.”

There, I’d said it. Jacoby looked at me, a bit confused, and I was beginning to think I should’ve waited until the pain medication wore off, so he’d be more coherent. But he’d asked, and while I think he knew what I was going to talk about, I forged ahead anyway.

“You’ve apologized several times already, Jim,” he said, and I nodded, knowing he was right.

“I know. But I feel like those times didn’t mean much, because we’d start fighting right away after,” I said, staring at the floor of the office. “I wanted to really apologize. I wanted to offer to reschedule our anniversary, for when you’re feeling better, of course. I just feel like I owe you so much for what I ruined, you know? For some reason, despite the shit we yelled at each other, you’re still with me. So I want to pay you back for what I ruined.”

Jacoby was quiet for a moment and I chanced a glance at him. His face was neutral, and I didn’t know how to interpret that. Was he angry? Was he getting ready to berate me for something?

“Jimmy,” he started and I swallowed hard. I was determined to keep myself calm no matter what he said. “I admit, you’re right; things got ruined. But I don’t think you could help it, if that makes sense. I don’t know what triggered your months long meltdown, and I don’t know if we ever will. I don’t think it was the weather or the rescheduling of our anniversary; I think that was a coincidence. But whatever the reason, you’re doing better now and that’s what counts. So, if you want to reschedule, we will. But I don’t want you to feel forced into doing so.”

I paused, not sure I’d heard him correctly. I smiled, then, and even though he was tired, a smile made its way across his face. I wanted so badly to hug him tight, but I knew that would hurt him too much. Either way, it made me thankful that we were still together.

31

The first couple of weeks after the accident were anything but fun for me. I’ve been in car accidents before and had broken bones before, but this is by far the worst accident I’ve been in. Without the pain medication, I don’t think I’d have been able to get out of bed. Jimmy took great care of me, and I think it took his mind off his problems for a while. He kept going to his appointments and took me to my follow up appointment. His moods were up the entire time and that got me worried.

I know he’s been looking for a job both here in Iowa and in California. We were still awaiting the decision from the boards regarding his licenses, and I prayed for a positive outcome. I can’t imagine him surviving in any other job than taking care of people, and I don’t think he’s CNA material. I mean, he could do it and he’d be good at it, but he needs to fly and take care of people on scene. I can’t imagine him in any other job, and I know it won’t be a happy household if he’s got to take a job just for the paycheck.

I was finally able to function without massive amounts of Vicodin and I was currently trying to decide what to do with what’s left. I know it’s a major temptation for Jimmy, who fought addiction to drugs and alcohol for a long time. He’s done so well these last two weeks, and I don’t want the pills sitting around. I’m not completely done with them, but I’m using them less and it’s a pain keeping track of the number every time I go to the bathroom.

I finally decided to stick them in my truck and use that for storage instead. It’s the one place I think I can trust Jimmy not to get into. That’s not to say that he can’t go into my truck, but he knows I keep the glove box locked for personal reasons and he won’t get into that. I walked upstairs, glad that I could finally move without pain. The muscle stiffness from the accident had been a bit more than I could deal with, and I wasn’t going to miss it.

I walked into the bedroom, then headed for the bathroom. The sun was shining after a few days of gloom, and I was finally seeing the first spring flowers peak through the ground. Their green buds made me smile and I hoped our spring would go better than the winter had. Jimmy was currently in Omaha visiting a nursery to get a couple of new trees to replace ones damaged this winter. Someone had already come down and cut the damaged trees down, but the yard looked bare without them.

With a sigh, I reached for the pills that had kept me moving the last two weeks. I checked the tracking paper we had and saw that at the last count around 0900, there had been four pills left. I opened the bottle, since I hadn’t had a pill since then, and looked inside. There were now three pills left, and my brow furrowed. There was no way I’d taken the missing pill and I knew I could trust Jimmy not to take it, couldn’t I? There was a niggling in my brain, but I pushed it back. Jimmy had been clean for five years and while one pill wouldn’t ruin that, it would lead to other things. I was afraid of this, but he’s been clean through all of this stress.

Hasn’t he?

I know when my husband is high, after all. He can act like he’s not, but there are subtle signs. His left arm twitches, his eyes are horribly dilated, he has an almost imperceptible tremor to his entire body. I haven’t seen any of that lately that couldn’t be attributed to the Ativan and his problems. I know I’ve been kind of snowed and such the last two weeks, but I’d surely know if Jimmy was having problems again, right?

Now that doubt had settled in, I pocketed the bottle and went into his office. We were both welcome in each other’s offices no matter if the other person was home or not. I knew his hiding places and checked those as soon as the door creaked open. The hardwood floor creaked a bit under my footfall and I carefully checked every possible hiding place. They were all clear, so I started to feel foolish for doubting him.

I left the room, leaving the door cracked so Ma and Pa could get out later and went back outside. It was sweatshirt weather today, and it felt good. I loved Iowa during the transition from winter to spring. The temperatures are up and down in amazing swings, and you never knew from minute to minute what the weather was going to do.

I walked into the kitchen just in time for Jimmy to return home. He seemed happy today and I wondered if my suspicions were correct. Either that, or my husband has had yet another mood flip and I’m going to be back to walking on eggshells around him.

“You’re chipper today,” I noted, wondering if I could get the truth out of him in a roundabout way.

“Why not? It’s beautiful outside, my therapy is working and you’re feeling better,” he pointed out, gently taking me into his arms. He carefully danced me around the kitchen, planting a gentle kiss on my lips. “Plus, we’re going out tonight, remember?”

“I know we are, and I can’t wait,” I said, smiling at him, wondering what in the world was going on with him. “What is the plan for tonight?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” he sang, kissing my cheek and heading upstairs. I shook my head and continued on my journey to my truck. I quickly stowed the pills in the glove box and locked it up.

When I returned inside, I could hear Jimmy moving around upstairs. I figured he was getting ready for our date, so I went to check my email. The only detail I had so far was that we were leaving here at 1830, which gave me the entire afternoon to diddle around. I didn’t really have any plans, since I wanted to save all my energy for tonight, so I favored sitting in my recliner and relaxing. I was set to see the doctor again in a few more days and was hoping for the okay to return to work.

“Hey Coby?” Jimmy called, as I slowly typed a reply email to a friend in California. Hey, you try typing with one arm in a cast! “Where’s your pain pills?”

A red flag went up, but I knocked it down. After all, it had been his job to keep track of the pills for the last two weeks. It made sense that he’d ask, and I was okay telling him.

“I put them in the truck,” I said, as he came downstairs. His face was neutral and I hoped I hadn’t just opened a can of worms with him. “I uhm, thought it’d be easier for when I return to work.”

Jimmy looked me in the eye and I knew he’d caught on to my lie. “Coby, you don’t see the doctor again for another few days and even then, you don’t know that he’s going to let you go back yet.”

“I know,” I said, trying to think fast. I had to cover my butt here. “But think about it. I don’t need them as much and I’ll be driving again soon, so doesn’t it make sense to put them where I’ll need them?”

“You need them here,” he pointed out, and I swear the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees. “The truth is that you don’t trust me.”

What do you do when you’re caught? I didn’t want to ruin tonight, because he was so excited and I felt like a total jerk for doing what I’d done. I looked up at him and saw the hurt written all over his face; I don’t know if an afternoon can solve this problem.

“Uhm well, I do trust you,” I stuttered, and I knew I was lodging my foot further and further in my mouth, but I couldn’t stop for some reason. “I just wanted them out of the house, okay? I don’t need them and we all know how tempting pain pills can be even after you don’t need them. I thought it would benefit me to have them out of the house.”

“Look, you counted them and you were one short right?” he asked and I nodded, not sure where this was going. He shook his head at me and I waited for him to continue. “So sue me; I took one, okay? The last couple of months have been hard on not only my mind but my body as well. I had a terrible backache, probably from all the times you guys sedated me and I collapsed. I had pain so I took a pain pill.”

Well, cue the ‘I feel like a jerk’ statement. I hung my head and then felt strong arms around me. I looked up and Jimmy was smiling at me.

“It’s okay,” he said, and I noticed his eyes were dilated. I knocked down yet another red flag, because I wanted to trust him so bad. “It’s normal to think that, since I used to snort the stuff. But I assure you, I took it for legitimate reasons.”

I wanted to believe him and for the sake of our date night, I said I did. We were doing our tenth anniversary, even if it was belatedly, and I didn’t want to mess it up. But I had my reasons…and I hoped to God I was wrong.

***

We decided to start our date early after the tension cleared. Jimmy drove, since I wasn’t cleared yet, and we headed into Council Bluffs. Our first stop was the site I found Jimmy, where the Hayloft bar used to be. The building had been torn down years ago, but the alley was still there. We got out of the truck and I lead him to the spot I found him 12 years ago.

”Another homeless person, yay,” I mumbled, as my partner Mika and I headed into Council Bluffs. They were having a bad night and so Creighton was helping them out a little. We took calls from CB on occasion, but I hadn’t been on one in a while. “I suppose it’s just another case of it all got to be too much, I’ll drink myself into a stupor. I’ve seen it a hundred times before.”

“Chill, Jacoby,” Mika advised. He had been on the job 20 years and I was just getting started. “If you’re getting jaded two months into your training, I’d advise you to find a new line of work.”

“Sorry,” I said, pulling up in front of the Hayloft. We got out our supplies and headed into the alley, our flashlights sweeping side to side, looking for a passed out male. “It’s just that I see this so much, you know?”

“And you’ll see it so much more,” Mika said, as his light lit upon the victim. This one was a young guy, close to my age, and I softened a bit. “Young guy. Too bad we don’t know his name.”

We started our ministrations on him, getting an IV going for fluid, checking for a pulse. He was alive, so we grabbed the stretcher and got him on it. He was wheezing badly, and I could see the humidity that had gathered on his skin. It was raining now, as we loaded him into the back of the ambulance and started treatment while Mika radioed into the ER.

By the time we pulled into Creighton’s ER, I was bagging him. He’d stopped breathing all together, and I’d intubated him as we pulled in. Mika and the driver, Adam, guided the stretcher as I pumped the bag. We reported off and I went into the lounge for a moment of rest before the next call. As far as I was concerned, he was just some homeless kid who’d tried kill himself, and I wanted nothing further to do with him.

“You thought you were done with me, didn’t you?” he asked, as I retold the story of finding him. “You were just a young paramedic out to save lives. Look at you now.”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding, as he looked down at the spot that could’ve been where he died. “I didn’t want to get attached. But when they said you were doing well, I had see for myself. I don’t know why, but something in me didn’t want to let go of you.”

“I’m glad you listened to whatever that was,” Jimmy said, kissing my cheek. We gave the spot one last look, then returned to the truck. Jimmy pulled out of our parking spot and moved to the next place on our list: our first date. “Remember how nervous you were when you asked me on that date the first time?”

“Good Lord, I don’t think I’ve ever stuttered that much before,” I said, laughing at the memory. Jimmy was in a drug rehabilitation center at the time, and he was not having an easy go of things.

I walked into Jimmy's room mostly to check up on his progress. The rehabilitation program at Creighton was tops in the state and the nation both, and I hoped he was making progress. I knocked on the half open door and heard him clearly say to come in.

“Hey Jim,” I said, as I entered the small, brightly lit room. He was sitting at the small fake-wood desk in the room, writing in a notebook. I waited until he’d paused, then sat down on the bed and looked out the window. “How’s it going?”

“Better,” he said, as he turned to face me. His eyes seemed clearer and he didn’t seem as pale. “I think the withdrawals have finally stopped. I’m starting group therapy and some classes tomorrow.”

“That’s great!” I said, grinning. His face did not reflect my happiness and I sighed. I knew this was tough for him, but it was for the best. “Look, Jim, you could’ve died that night, remember? Cocaine and heroin doses are usually fatal. We managed to bring you back from the dead. I want you to get the help you need.”

“Why do you care?” he asked, and he was genuinely curious. He turned fully to face me and looked into my eyes. “Why do you care about me, Jacoby? I’m just some dumb fuck up you found half dead in an alley. You did your job, you graduated from your program, good for you. But you persist on caring about me. You said yourself you can’t find my family, so why do you care?”

I had to think about that for a moment. Was I going to be honest and tell him that I had feelings for him? We’d been talking and I knew he was gay, so I wouldn’t offend him in that sense. But the truth was that I felt something for him. Something beyond the relief of knowing I’d had a hand in saving his life. I think I was in love with him.

“Well,” I started, and I felt nervous. He was waiting for me to continue, his blue eyes boring into my own. “I, uhm, well, I love you, Jimmy. And when you get your first privilege here, I’d like to take you on a uhm, well, a, uhm, on a, well, a date.”

His mouth dropped open in surprise and I waited for his response. I didn’t have any idea why I’d just done what I had, but I couldn’t take it back.

“You love me? You’re supposed to just be my temporary family, Jacoby. I don’t think you should take it as far as love,” he said, and I felt my heart shatter. “I’m a fuck up and an addict. I ran away from home, my memory is gone of anything before the overdose and now I’ve got a love struck paramedic on my hands. What possessed you to say you love me?”

“Well,” I started, not sure what to say. How does anyone explain their love for another person? “I don’t know. But I know what love feels like for me, Jimmy. There’s something different about you than the other patients I’ve cared for over the few months of my training, okay? I know I’m not supposed to get attached, but I care about you.”

He seemed to consider this and then sighed, looking at me once again.

“You’re serious?”

“Very.”

“Fine, then, I’ll let you prove it. First time I can go out of here with someone, I’ll let you know,” he said, and turned back to his notebook, missing the ear to ear grin on my face.

“I almost broke your heart that night, didn’t I?” Jimmy asked, as we stood in front of the most romantic spot in the world for a first date: Wendy’s. Sue me; I was broke the first night we went out. An EMT in training doesn’t make just a whole lot of money.

“You did,” I said, as we went inside. We each got a pop, and then returned to the truck. I’d made an appointment for him to quick see Dr. Mathias before we went for supper at Trini’s, a very nice Mexican place in the Old Market. “I thought for sure you were going to turn me down, but then you didn’t. I wish I could’ve afforded a better place for a first date, though.”

“Who needs a fancy restaurant?” he asked, as he got up on the interstate and headed for Creighton. Dr. Mathias would be pleased to know we were finally celebrating our anniversary today. “I had a good time, and so did you, and look where it got us.”

I couldn’t argue with that, as Jimmy took the exit for Creighton. I smiled as I adjusted the sling around my neck. I hadn’t taken him to the most romantic spot in the world to eat, but it had lead to a strong relationship that had withstood just about any stress that anyone cared to throw at it. I reached over with my good hand and squeezed his thigh, causing him to smile. Yep, I was still crazy in love with this guy.

32

Interested to see what people think about this chapter...

***

When Jacoby and I walked into the small office at Dr. Mathias’s building, I was a little nervous. Jacoby had already confronted me about the missing Vicodin and I’d lied my way out of it pretty convincingly. I didn’t want to ruin our night now that we finally got to have it. But the doctor was one of those people I could never lie to, and if he noticed me acting at all differently, I was in trouble.

I don’t think I’ve relapsed, per se. I think that stress gave me a backache from hell and I took some medication to relieve it. There’s nothing wrong with crushing a pill and mixing it with a bit of water to dull the pain, is there? It’s not a bad thing that we have some Ativan boluses hanging around. I emptied one into the sink and Jacoby will be none the wiser. The dumb people at the hospital should’ve known better than to send those home with us.

“Hello Jimmy, Jacoby,” the doctor said, smiling as he sat behind his desk. It was around seven at night now and I knew he’d be heading home soon. “You caught me at the end of rounds, so you have good timing. I understand you’re celebrating tonight?”

“Yes,” Jacoby said, with a smile on his face. The doctor gave me a pointed look and I knew he’d want to talk to me later. I could feel the high wearing off, but I was going to make it through tonight. I couldn’t exactly shoot up on our date, could I? “We’re finally celebrating our 10th anniversary.”

“Congratulations,” the doctor said, reaching into his drawer. I was confused, because I’m certain we’ve received our gifts already for this year. He pulled out two small envelops and handed them to us. “Go ahead and open them.”

Confused, we opened the flaps and looked inside. A gift card to the local mall lay inside. I pulled mine out and turned it over: $150. I looked back up at the doctor, who smiled, as Jacoby gave him a similar look.

“As soon as I heard that you’d progressed to celebrating tonight, I knew I had to do something to honor it. I know that I’ve given you your sobriety gift, Jim,” he said, but I thought he sounded sad when he said sobriety, “and I know I’ve given you your couples gift, but I wanted to commemorate tonight.”

“Thanks,” I said, and Jacoby echoed me. We both stood and the doctor gave me a hug, asking me to wait in the hall while he spoke to Jacoby. “I’ll be at the truck, Cobs.”

“I’ll be out shortly,” he responded, as I closed the door behind me.

“Congratulations, Jim,” Shelly said, as she locked up for the night. “Where’s Coby?”

“The doctor wanted to talk to him,” I explained, waiting for her. She shouldered her large red purse and got her car keys out, then walked with me to the parking lot. “I have no idea why.”

“Hard to say with Dr. Mathias,” she said, with a shrug. She looked at me, then smiled. “What are your plans for the rest of the night?”

“We’re eating at Trini’s and then we’ll head home,” I said, with a goofy grin on my face. She laughed as she understood my unspoken thought. “Tomorrow, we’ll just chill.”

“Are you staying in Iowa, then?” she asked, as we arrived at her car. She unlocked it and rolled the windows down. It was unseasonably warm tonight, but it felt good.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, as I saw Jacoby leaving with the doctor. “We’re still debating our options. I think we want to stay, but we know that California is a good option for us as well. Since I’m out of a job, my options are a little more open than Coby’s.”

“Well, good luck, whatever you decide. I know you’re missed at the hospital. There’s a petition going around to get you back and fire the board.”

“Really? Well, I wish them luck,” I said, smiling as Jacoby hugged me and kissed the back of my neck. “See you later, Shelly.”

“Good night guys,” she said, as we got into my truck.

“What did the doctor want?” I asked, as we buckled in and I started for downtown.

“He just wanted to see how you’d been doing of late,” Jacoby said, but I saw right through that one. I stopped at a red light and looked at him, indicating that I knew he was lying. “We’ll talk when we get home. We’re having fun and I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Fair enough,” I said, though my mood had soured just a bit. I knew exactly what the doctor had wanted, and it hadn’t been meant for my ears. It hurt, but I wasn’t going to ruin the entire mood tonight, so I pushed it aside to be dealt with later. “So, what will you order tonight?”

From there, our night was quiet. We ate our supper, each splurging a bit and ordering our favorites instead of the less expensive meals. We rode home in a comfortable silence and when we arrived back at the farm, we walked inside and straight upstairs. It was after midnight by now, and we were exhausted. There would be no sex tonight, I thought, as Jacoby stopped by his truck and grabbed a pain pill. I was okay with that, though, for some strange reason. I can’t explain it, but I was perfectly okay with not pleasuring my husband tonight.

I crawled into bed with him half an hour later and gently kissed him. He smiled, as he deepened the kiss, then pulled back, yawning. I smiled and told him to sleep; we could have sex when he felt better. He nodded, and then snuggled into me and fell asleep in my arms.

***

The next morning Jacoby had an appointment with the orthopedist at 10, so we were up and going early. We were out the door by 0900, so he could have x-rays beforehand. I was hoping that, for Jacoby’s sake, he’d get to the green light to return to work. I knew it was frustrating him greatly to be stuck at home like this, even if it was nice for me.

“Think you’ll be able to return to work?” I asked, as I pulled up to the emergency entrance at Creighton. It was the fastest way to get to the x-ray department, and we could walk over to the office from here.

“I hope so,” he said, as he got out of the truck. “It’s been two weeks, so I should be able to start back, I’d think. I know I won’t be able to do much, but there must be something I can do.”

“Well, I’ll cross my fingers for you,” I said, as we walked into the ED. I swallowed hard; I hadn’t been here since the accident, and that day I’d been so worried about Jacoby, I didn’t have time to think where I was. Now, I wished I’d snuck a Vicodin into my system for calm.

“Jimmy?”

Jacoby was gently tugging my arm, indicating that we should continue our journey toward radiology. I was panicking inside not sure what to do. I needed to support my husband, but he was capable of getting x-rays without me.

“I’ll just, uhm, be outside, okay? I’ll drive around to the office side and meet you up at the ortho’s office, sound good?” I asked, hoping he didn’t see my trembling hands. He looked confused, but nodded, as he walked back to radiology.

Taking a deep breath, I turned around and started for the parking lot. I was trembling and feeling lightheaded. I had to get out of there, even as I heard Sean calling my name. Too many bad memories flooded my head and I felt myself falling. Someone caught me and next think I knew I was sitting on a bench, my head between my knees.

“You okay Jim?” Sean asked, as I slowly sat up. I breathed in the fresh, early spring air and nodded. He handed me a glass of water and I drank it down quickly. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” I said, leaning back and rubbing a hand over my face. I was feeling much better now, but was puzzled by recent events. “I just freaked out when we walked in. Coby’s here for x-rays before his appointment. I was fine two weeks ago, but today I freaked. I was having what almost seemed like flashbacks to my meltdown and then I lost it.”

Sean nodded, but it was clear that he had no better idea than I did what happened. He gave me a critical look and I knew what he was thinking. I opened my mouth to assure him, but he spoke first.

“Jimmy, listen to me. You slipped up once and shot some Vicodin. Jacoby can forgive you for one slip up. But please don’t go down that road again. You’ve been clean and sober for just over five years. That’s something to be proud of. You’ve never made it five years before, and I don't want you to go through rehab again,” he said, and I knew he was dead serious. How he knew about my slip, I don’t know. “If you can’t handle current stress without drugs, come talk to me, talk to Dr. Mathias, talk to Jacoby, but talk to somebody. Don’t let anything else tempt you, Jimmy.”

I hung my head, and Sean sighed. I looked up at him and saw the disappointment in his eyes.

“What else have you done, Jimmy?” he asked, all business.

“Just the one Vicodin,” I said, and I was being honest. “But I did purchase some cocaine a while back. It’s in my truck, but I haven’t had the courage to take it yet.”

Sean stood up and gestured for my keys. I handed them over without a fight, because there was no point. I knew that if he took it, I would be stronger and not relapse. I don’t know why I wasted the money on it…well, it was free, since I used to be a seller for this guy. But I still don’t know why I did it. I guess…you know how life just gets too hard sometimes? That’s where I’m at. I still don’t know the status of my licenses, and I haven’t been offered an interview because of that. There have been so many rejection letters because of my problems at work and I just can’t handle it anymore.

Sean returned with the bag and frowned at me. He tossed it into the nearest trash bin, then sat down with me again. I lowered my head again, ashamed at myself.

“How much did that cost?” Sean asked, and I rubbed my face.

“It was free. I used to sell for the guy. I told him that I was unemployed and he gave it to me for free,” I admitted, and heard Sean sigh. “But I swear, I never touched it. There wasn’t much there anyway.”

“But even the smallest amount is too much,” Sean said, shaking his head. “What’s going on that you went this far, Jim?”

“I just—I can’t take it anymore Sean!” I admitted, feeling angry. “I don’t know yet what the state is going to do with my licenses, so I can’t get so much as an interview. I keep being torn between staying and moving to California. I feel better with my moods and stuff, but therapy keeps me just a little on edge, never knowing from session to session what she’s going to demand of me. My routines are down, and I’m calmer, but I feel like there is still so much tension in our marriage. It’s just like that night Jacoby found me: everything has caught up to me and I can’t take it anymore!”

I stood up and started to pace, and while my OCD wasn’t flaring, my anger was.

“I don’t know what to do, Sean. My unemployment is only good for six months, you know? I realize that gets me through summer, and my budget didn’t change much, outside of the addition of my hospital stay and therapy, and the Paxil. But I hate not knowing what’s going on. I will never get my job back here I know that. I’ve been watching and they’ve filled everything but my pilot spot. I’m worthless, all because I couldn’t keep myself under control! And I freaked out about an anniversary celebration! I should’ve just sucked it up and celebrated on time. It would’ve been so much easier!”

Sean came up to me and took me by my shoulders. He shook me slightly and I looked at him, wondering what he wanted.

“Jimmy, none of this is your fault, okay? I should’ve let you cool off that day before I confronted you. You’ve battled mental illness for a long time and whatever set it off this time, you’re working through it. But you have to quit playing the blame game. The board will come back in time and I’m sure it will be in your favor. If it’s not, I’ll help you get it overturned. But this is not your fault, got me?”

I nodded, and while I knew he was right, I having a hard time believing him. I heard the doors open and then I heard Jacoby calling my name.

“Jimmy? What’s going on? Why weren’t you upstairs?” he asked, looking between Sean and me. I shook my head; there was no way I could tell him what I’d done.

“Jimmy and I were talking,” Sean said, as I took a deep breath. “He’s got some things to tell you, when he’s ready. How did your appointment go?”

“It was fine. I can’t come back to work yet, but I see the doctor in another two weeks. The concussion is gone, and my arm is healing. I don’t need the sling or the pain medication any longer. What’s going on here?” he asked, looking at me.

“Jimmy?” Sean asked, and while I wasn’t ready, I knew it was better to do this with a buffer than at home.

“I—“ I started, and Jacoby looked at me. I think he knew what was going on, but he was waiting on me to say it. “I—I shot some of the Vicodin. I only used one pill, but I wasted one of the Ativan boluses so I had the syringe. I mixed it with some water, and I that’s why I was so calm on our date last night. I also got a free bag of cocaine, but I never used it.”

I stared at my shoes, hearing Jacoby’s intake and output of breath. I couldn’t look at my husband, not after that admission. I knew he’d be disappointed, and I’d lose him forever. I waited for his reaction, wondering what he was going to say.

“Jimmy, I don’t know what to say,” he started, and I knew I was doomed. There went my marriage down the drain. “I need some time to think, okay?”

“Jacoby—“

“No, Jimmy, please. Take me home. I’ll get some clothes; I’ll find a place to stay. But I need time to think,” he said, and I finally looked up. The hurt on his face and in his eyes was enough to make me crumble. “Just…take me home.”

I nodded, feeling Sean squeeze my shoulder. I said nothing as we went to the truck and headed for the farm. What was I suppose to say? Was I supposed to beg him to stay with me? There was no way I could do that. I drove us home and then watched as Jacoby packed his suitcase. He called Mark and inside of half an hour, he was gone.

I stood on the porch, watching as Mark’s truck moved down the gravel toward the highway. I slowly sat down in nearest rocking chair and took my phone out. I called my sister Katie and prayed she had the day off.

Right, it's taken me a day to get my head around the implications of this, and so far all I can come up with is "OMFG Jimmy NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!".

My heart broke for poor Coby, but also for Jimmy, he's been through so much.

Jimmy knows he fucked up...but I think in his brain, he's able to justify it. Coby, on the other hand, is just at his wits end...and I think this is where the story really took off for me...we're 11 chapters from the end and you get to see how they really dealt with things.

Curious to see the reaction to this chapter and the ones following.

***

33

“Why did I marry him? He’s such a damn fuck up!” I shouted, as Mark moved the truck onto the interstate. “The second stress hits, he’s freaking out, in the hospital and now he’s back on drugs? God!”

“Coby, take a deep breath,” he instructed, merging with traffic. I did as he instructed, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “He didn’t relapse completely. He had one Vicodin and that was it. Sean took the cocaine before he could touch it, right? Just take a day or two and cool off. It was one time, and look how stressful things have gotten.”

“But Mark, he’s been clean and sober for five fucking years! Why would he ruin that? Why would he relapse now? Dr. Mathias brought that up to me last night that Jimmy seemed different. I had tried to confront him, but he brushed it off. I didn’t believe him for a moment, but still. I never dreamed he’d go so far as to look at cocaine again. I don’t care if he didn’t touch it; I can’t do this anymore. Since January, he’s been nothing but hard to get along with and I’m done, Mark. I’m just done. In the morning, I’m going to go to our lawyer and I’m getting a divorce. He can go home to California, but he won’t be staying here. I just can’t do it anymore.”

Mark was quiet the remainder of the drive to his house. I wallowed in my own self-pity in the passenger seat, wondering what had gone so wrong over the last three months. It was nearly spring and we should both be happier. The gardens were slowly coming back to life, the first tulips and daffodils were starting to poke through the ground. So why was I ready for a divorce?

My phone rang as Mark pulled into Omaha and I took it out. Jimmy had sent me a text, apparently too afraid to call me.

Please come home so we can talk.

I need time to think, Jim. I’ll call when I’m ready to come home.

Love you.

I could not respond in kind, and closed the phone, hoping he wouldn’t go off the deep end while I was gone. I didn’t want to come home and find him passed out in the living room or something because he’d been binging. There was currently no alcohol in the house, but he could drive. My phone rang again as we pulled into Mark’s driveway and I flipped it open without a care.

“Yeah?”

“Jacoby? Is everything all right?” Eleanor asked, and I sighed. “Jimmy’s over here, crying his eyes out and talking about divorce. He says he relapsed and you left him.”

“Well, he’s sort of got the story right,” I said, as I waved Mark inside. He took my bag and I settled onto his front deck, propping my feet on the wooden railing. “He shot up one of my Vicodin. He had a bag of cocaine in his truck, but it was untouched. I got upset and I’m staying with a friend for a while. I don’t know what we’re going to do. I just know that I am beyond stressed out right now and need a break.”

“Now Jacoby,” Eleanor said and I had to smile despite myself. The woman gives good advice, and I knew she would have something to say about this. “A good wife stands by her husband no matter what. The war turned Hank on his head back in the day. But I never once packed a bag and left after a fight. It didn’t matter how mean he got or what he did, I stayed. I know that times have changed, but it seems to be that Jimmy needs his husband now. A good husband should stay by his husband’s side no matter what. I know that you’ve had some hard times of late, but when Jimmy needs you most, you ran away.”

I paused to consider her words. I knew that her husband, who had fought in World War II, had had his share of problems over the years. She was right, too, in that she’d stayed by his side the entire time. I don’t think I’ve ever once heard them talk about divorce, and I know they can have some pretty wicked fights. She’s more than just a retired farmer’s wife; she’s strong and she was a big part of the women’s rights movements of her time.

“I know I ran away,” I confessed and heard a terse noise of agreement. “But Eleanor, I just can’t do it anymore. He’s up one moment and down the next, now the drugs; I can’t handle the moods and the day to day unknowns.”

“What kind of husband does that make you, then? Are you willing to throw away 10 years of marriage because Jimmy’s mental illnesses surfaced once again? What would’ve happened to Hank if I’d have left him when his mental illnesses surfaced? There’s remission and there’s relapse. Jimmy did not relapse on drugs, Jacoby Dakota, he relapsed on his mental illnesses. He needs his husband right now, and his husband ran away because of one little slip with Vicodin and a bag, untouched remember, of cocaine. I’ve got a man in my kitchen whose heart is broken,” she said, and I could hear Jimmy in the background. He was trying to talk Hank into giving him a glass of whiskey. “He needs you, Jacoby. Take whatever time you think is healthy, but don’t drop out now, when he needs you so much. He’s going to stay here for a bit, he’s brought the cats, he’ll take his meds and stay sober,” she emphasized that word and I knew she was looking at Jimmy. “We’ll take care of him, as I realize that times change. But come home soon, got me?”

“I will,” I promised, and hung up. I felt horribly guilty right now, sitting on Mark’s front porch. I thought about how much we’ve both invested in the farm and realized that there was no way one of us could leave that farm to the other. I pocketed my phone and rubbed my good hand over my face. Why did I leave? Why did I decide to run when Jimmy needed me the most? Eleanor was right: what kind of husband was I?

“Coby?”

I looked up and saw Mark’s wife, Joyce come onto the deck. Her black hair was pulled into a ponytail and hung halfway down her back, bouncing a bit as she sat down next to me. She took my hand and smiled.

“So, what’s going on? Mark said you were pretty angry at Jimmy,” she said, and I nodded. “He mentioned a relapse?”

“Kind of,” I said, sighing. “It was one Vicodin, and he got a bag of cocaine but never touched it. But it was my breaking point, Joyce. It was my last straw, you know? I did my best to be the supportive husband through everything: the breakdowns, the firing, everything, but now with my accident and this, it’s just too much. Eleanor reminded me that now is when I really need to stick by him, but I just can’t, Joyce. Does that make me a bad husband?”

“No. You needed a break and so you’re taking one. If you had said you were leaving your husband for good or something, that would make you a bad husband. But coming here to take a break no. You’ve been the most supportive husband I know, so I don’t think you’re a bad husband for taking a break.”

That was a relief to hear, I won’t lie. I know that Eleanor is kind of old fashioned, so I forgive her for what she said. I also know that she’s right, I do need to be there for Jimmy. But my sanity needs a break. I figure a couple of days away can’t hurt anything and Jimmy will realize what he stands to lose if he keeps this shit up.

***

Later that night, after I had one of Joyce’s extra filling suppers, I crawled into bed and tried to sleep. I couldn’t believe I’d left him like this, but I was so angry at him. I didn’t want him to throw five years of sobriety down the drain because of some stress in our lives. I know the last few months have been hell, but that’s no reason to relapse!

My phone sounded on the nightstand and I reached for it, already guessing who was texting. Sure enough, it was Jimmy. He was asking me to come home, and stated that he and the cats were staying with Eleanor and Hank. I told him I’d be home when I thought I was ready and thought I could talk to him without yelling.

He didn’t respond back, and I sighed. I turned over, trying to get comfortable. I was feeling a lot better in regards to the accident, but my emotions were a mess. I checked the time, and saw that it was around midnight, making it around 10 back home. I texted my friend Tobin and waited to see if he was awake. He worked in a tattoo parlor, and his hours were kind of weird.

My phone rang a few seconds later and I flipped it open, glad to hear his voice on the other end of the line.

“What’s up? Your text did not sound typical happy Jacoby,” he pointed out and I sighed. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, you know that Jimmy and I have been fighting, right? Well, he had a little slip up and shot up one of my Vicodin. He got a bag of cocaine that he never touched, but it was still there, Tobin. I’m staying at a friend’s house right now, and I don’t know if I’m going back or not.”

“Why wouldn’t you go back?” he asked, and I could hear the shock in his voice. “It was one time, Jacoby, right? One slip up and you said yourself that he didn’t use the cocaine. I know it’s bad enough he had it, but since he didn’t use it, why hold that against him?”

“Because what if it doesn’t stop here, Tobin?” I asked, and felt even more worry bubble up through me. “What if he can’t stop now? He’s staying with neighbors now, but what if I get home and he can’t stop?”

“He’s staying with a neighbor, so that’s a sign that he knows he’s not strong right now. You told me once that his care plan said that if he wasn’t strong, he was to stay with a friend, right? He’s following his care plan then, isn’t he? I don’t think he’s going to doing it again, Jacoby. You need to talk to him and give him another chance.”

“How many more chances can I give him, though? I worked with him through the hell of January and February and the first part of March. He got fired and we’ve worked through that, and I’m even thinking about California. But this…I don’t know.”

“How’s he been since the accident?”

That was the clincher, I think. I got where Tobin was coming from right away.

“The best husband I could ever ask for,” I admitted, sighing. “I know, I know. But it’s just that…there’s so much stress in the house right now and I don’t know how much either of us can take.”

“When’s your next chance for a vacation?”

“July, though I’m off now. The doctor wasn’t ready to send me back yet,” I said, and wondered what he was cooking up.

“Look, I’ll do some working down here, but I think I can get you guys out before that. Hang in there, Jacoby. Go home tomorrow and talk to your husband.”

I said goodnight and hung up. I knew that Tobin was right, but I wasn’t sure if that was the answer.

***

I managed to get a decent sleep last night, though I was still up with the dawn. I went downstairs and found Mark heading for work and Joyce making breakfast. She smiled at me as I sat down and accepted some coffee from her.

“How did you sleep last night?” she asked, squeezing my shoulder.

“Better than I thought, but not great. I talked to an old friend last night and he wants me to talk to Jimmy today. I don’t know if I should, you know?”

“Just my opinion,” she prefaced, setting a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. She put two slices of buttered toast down next and I dipped the toast into the egg yolk. “But I think you should. I can be there if you want, since I have today off. But you need to talk to him, Jacoby. Even if it doesn’t accomplish a thing, at least you tried. Eat your breakfast and then we’ll head up to Mondamin and talk to him, okay?”

I nodded, knowing she was right. Breakfast was over far too fast for my liking. Joyce helped me into my cast cover and I got a quick shower. When I got out, there was a voice message and I sighed, hoping it wasn’t Jimmy. Instead, it was Eleanor and she was on her way to Omaha. I told Joyce about the voice mail and she nodded, instructing me to go sit down and rest. Jimmy, apparently, hadn’t stopped crying since he’d arrived at Eleanor’s house, and I sighed. Was I ready for this?

I dunno if this is the right move, I think Coby needs more time. He has put up with a hell of a lot from Jimmy over the last few months, and has had a tough time himself with the accident. I feel kinda like he's been browbeaten into talking to Jimmy so soon...

I agree with you. I think he needs more time, but he's not going to get it, obviously. This is, I think, a defining moment in their marriage. If you think about it, Jacoby has given Jimmy how many chances in the last 10 years? He's leveled ultimatums at him (if he didn't get clean and stay clean that last time, he was going to leave him), and everything else, but he was always there for him. Now, Jimmy's on the verge of a relapse and emotional collapse and he ran way. Yet, I support Jacoby running away and think he should stay with Mark for a bit longer. It gets very interesting from here on out...would you like a bonus chapter? I'm not worried about this finishing early, because I have two complete sequels to share as well after this =).