Rescue Me (Jimmy/Jacoby)

I wish we had trains here...they were so relaxing when I was in Germany and a great way to travel! We have trains for passengers, but they run a limited route and only a handful of places have their service. Most of our trains are for transportation of goods. I can't write in the car (I'm usually driving, but even when I'm not), so I have to hope that more solid places will work =)

Speaking of solid places, my bed is fully calling my name about now. My last day off was last Monday, I've worked a stupid number of hours this week and now I'm about ready to sleep. Thanks for the bonus chapters tonight, they were much appreciated!

No problem!

Sleep well and I will post a few more chapters tomorrow when Lyra goes down for her nap =)

37

And here we see the start of "dealing" with things...oh these two...I just want to beat them some days!

***

“I give up,” I muttered, as Jimmy stormed out the door. “I have tried so fucking hard with this marriage, and that’s all he can do is get mad and storm off. I quit.”

“Give him some time to cool off,” Edgar advised. I don’t see how he can sit there, calm as can be, when my marriage is falling apart around me. I opened my mouth to ask him this, but then I thought better of it. He’s a psychologist; this is what he does for a living and no doubt, he has to sit like this day in and day out. “You need to take some time to cool off as well. We’ll take a 30 minute break and then reconvene.”

I stood up, heading out the front door. There was a cornfield that abutted their property, and it was currently empty. It would be planted later, but right now, even with the abnormally warm weather we’ve been having, it hadn’t been touched yet. I went down the stairs, knowing full well that Eleanor was following me. I walked to the field and sat down in the dirt, legs crossed, and rubbed the fingers on my left hand. I wanted the cast off, but that wasn’t an option right now.

“Take a deep breath, Jacoby,” Eleanor instructed, sitting facing me. “In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

I shook my head, knowing this is what Jimmy did before he started meditating. I didn’t believe in that mumbo-jumbo bullshit, and Eleanor knew it. I risked a glance to the back yard and sure enough, Jimmy was in his meditating position, and looked utterly calm. But that wasn’t for me and if you ask me, it doesn’t work.

“Jacoby, come on. I know you don’t believe in Jimmy's meditations, but humor me, huh?” she asked, and I huffed a breath out between pursed lips. “Okay, now you’re just being a disobedient child.”

I was startled by this remark and I know my face showed it. I didn’t know how to respond to that; I was disobedient because I didn’t want to meditate?

“Just take a deep breath the way I instructed,” Eleanor said, and I complied against my better judgment. “There. Do you feel calmer?”

“Not particularly,” I said, since I was still angry with my husband. Or was he my soon to be ex-husband? “Should I?”

“Well, it works for most people,” she muttered, sighing. “Jacoby, talk to me for a moment. What changed? Is it something to do with your accident? Something to do with recent events surrounding Jimmy's problems? Because you guys have had these fights before when he really did relapse, and you stood by him. You once told me you didn’t have a breaking point where it concerned Jimmy. You told me you understood that he was a recovering addict and that he’d always be one step away from relapse. What changed, Jacoby? This wasn’t a relapse.”

“I don’t know,” I said, twisting a bit to crack my back. It was hurting like hell right now and I couldn’t wait to get into see my doctor about it. “I honestly don’t know, Eleanor. I wish I did, because it would make this so much easier.”

“Well, things started on your anniversary, right?” I nodded. “Jimmy had his first epic meltdown when plans changed, right? So, he spent weeks having meltdown after meltdown because, it appears, you traded weekends when he has no recollection of this, correct?” I nodded, again. “Okay. So, was it the weather? The trade? The disruption of the important day?”

“I-I don’t know,” I answered, wondering what she was getting at. What was she suggesting? Then, it dawned on me. “You’re not suggesting…”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged and if it was possible, I got more frustrated. “But maybe you should talk to him, Jacoby. I’m not suggesting he was off the wagon then, but hasn’t he been on medications for depression, moods, and anxiety for the last 12 years?”

It hit me then. He had been on medication for 12 years straight. Why in the world was his doctor prescribing the depression meds for the OCD when he should’ve…oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

“JIMMY!” I roared, sprinting to my feet and storming for the front yard. Hank saw me coming and stood in front of my husband, who was coming out of his meditation with a look of pure horror on his face. “JAMES OWEN SHADDIX!”

“C-Coby?” he stuttered, getting to his feet. He was shaking and so was I. “What’s going on?”

I moved around Hank and grabbed my husband by the collar of his black t-shirt, looking right into his eyes. My nostrils were flaring and I ignored Edgar’s shouts behind me.

“YOU WEREN’T FUCKING ON YOUR MEDICATION IN JANUARY, FEBRUARY, OR MARCH! WHY WERE YOU LYING TO ME?”

Jimmy's mouth was moving but no sound was coming out. His breathing was ragged, and he was making an odd squeaking noise. His eyes were popping out of their sockets, his face was purple, but I didn’t care. I just tightened my grip on his collar with my good hand. I seethed at him, ignoring the shouts around me. He was clawing at my arm, but I just held on tighter.

“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO OFF YOUR MEDS, JIMMY? WHY THE FUCK? YOU CAUSED YOUR OWN GOD-DAMNED HELL THESE LAST FEW WEEKS AND YOU DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL ME? ALL THIS TIME I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH YOU. I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY A SLIGHT RESCHEDULING OF OUR ANNIVERSARY WAS CAUSING SUCH A MELTDOWN. I WATCHED YOU GO THROUGH FOUR DAYS OF HELL AS A PSYCH PATIENT, JIMMY! WHY DIDN’T THEY CATCH IT? WHY DID YOU GO CRAWLING TO DR. MATHIAS FOR PAXIL, WHICH YOU WERE ALREADY ON? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO OFF YOUR MEDS?”

“Jacoby! Let go before he suffocates!” Hank shouted, yanking me back. Jimmy collapsed into Eleanor’s arms, breathing heavily, his face purple and his blue eyes shining. He was gasping for air, and I glared at him, ignoring the scared look on his face. I wanted answers right fucking now.

“Tell me, Jimmy! What the fuck were you thinking? 12 years and you were doing just fine. You had an amazing job that you LOVED and you ruined it all by going off your meds? It took the doctors years, Jimmy, years! to get those meds right for you. They worked so hard to find a combination of depression treatments that worked for you without over medicating you. Why, Jimmy? Why did this happen?”

“I think, Jacoby, that if you will be quiet for a moment, Jimmy will explain,” Edgar said, quiet as ever. Hank was holding me, rubbing my shoulders, attempting to calm me down. But I was pissed and I wouldn’t be calmed. “Jimmy, whenever you’re ready, tell Jacoby what happened.”

I watched as Jimmy sat on the ground with Eleanor, rubbing his neck and regaining his breathing. I didn't feel one bit bad about it and I waited impatiently for him to answer me. How long had he been off his meds at that time? Why hadn’t I been told? Only one other time had Dr. Mathias tried to take Jimmy off some of his meds and it hadn’t gone well. In a week, he was back on them, and I wanted to know what had happened this time.

I had a feeling it hadn’t been the doctor’s idea.

“I-“ he started, and his voice was raspy. “Well, I, just, I got tired of taking them, okay? I know it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, at least of late. But I felt so good, Jacoby. When everything started, I’d been off them about a week. I’m doing fine on just the Paxil now. I’m not on four different meds for my moods and stuff, you know? I wanted to feel human again, Jacoby. I’m sorry.”

“Fuck that!” I shouted, and felt a harsh tug on my shoulders. I looked around and saw Hank looking at me with disappointment. “What?”

“Jacoby, until you’ve been on some of those medications, you can’t understand what he means,” Hank said, softly. “I know that Jimmy was on some pretty strong stuff for the last few years and while it keeps moods stable and relationships happy and such, the person taking them feels like a zombie at times. I know that Jimmy was functional during those years, but think about it: was he really himself?”

Anger was still fueling me, but I took a moment to consider Hank’s words. Jimmy was so happy these last few years, always smiling and joking. Sure his hands trembled or he looked dazed from time to time. But he was happy he was functional…but then I thought about it some more. Sure he was happy and functional, but wasn’t that the medications speaking? He always seemed to be so happy and everything, though, and I figured it was just him coming through. He’d always had a wild streak his friends said, but they noticed how subdued he was.

“I-I guess you’re right,” I said, feeling myself deflate. Jimmy was still sitting with Eleanor and when I went near him, he flinched and tried to back away from me. I felt like a heel; I’d attacked my husband and now he was afraid of me. “But Jimmy, you should’ve talked to me or at the very least Dr. Mathias. This was not a decision for you to make on your own, okay? I know you were on four different medications for depression and moods and whatnot, but there’s a time when that’s what you need. You couldn’t function without those meds and I think the last few months have shown that. When you went in for the Paxil, didn’t the doctor question you?”

“No,” Jimmy said, shaking his head. He was still clearly afraid of me and I was afraid I’d broken his trust. “He didn’t. He said he was proud of me for doing it. I wasn’t on Paxil before, and he probably figured that my other meds weren’t enough. But he never questioned me, Jacoby. He just explained why he chose Paxil and gave me the script for it.”

That made me angry again, and a little suspicious. I trust Dr. Mathias, and I know that he’s doing the right thing, but why didn’t he question Jimmy? Then again, why didn’t any of us see this? How did we miss this? I, of all people, should know when my husband is off his meds!

“We’re going to talk to Dr. Mathias as soon as possible, James,” I said, knowing he hated being called James. As predicted, he flinched at the name, moving away from me when I came closer. “Jimmy, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m sorry about earlier.”

But he wasn’t having it and I finally backed off, watching his reaction. Eleanor helped him to his feet, and he stood there on shaking knees, still wheezing. My luck being what it is, I probably triggered a mild asthma attack, but he won’t admit to it.

“I’m doing fine now, Jacoby,” he pointed out, though I wanted to disagree. His moods were all over the place and while the OCD was under control, little else was. “I only need the one pill.”

“Jimmy, you need more than that,” I pointed out, staying where I was. I hated that he was scared of me now. “You need those other meds. Hon, your moods are all over the place right now. One minute you’re happy and the next you’re in tears. You can’t function like that. You’re OCD is under good control, but you need to re-start your meds. Dr. Mathias can help you with that.”

“I don’t want to be a zombie again, Jacoby,” he said, letting out a barking cough. “Don’t make me be a zombie again.”

As if to make my point, he started crying. He’s been angry, defiant, scared, nervous, and now he’s crying. That doesn’t seem to me like things are under good control, exactly. That seems to me that someone needs to see his doctor and get his meds back on track. I walked toward him, but he moved away, glaring at my outstretched arms. I hung my head, realizing that whatever trust Jimmy had in me was damaged, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to fix it.

One thing I guess I forgot to mention about Jimmy's past is that he’d been assaulted the night we found him. It’s not something he talks about often, because all it does is dredge up bad memories for him. But he admits that he was drunk when it happened and says he might have even brought on himself. He had a reputation for fighting back in those days, and being drunk was a sure way to fire his temper. Either way, he gets very skittish if people make to hit him, even in jest, and I’ve learned that even just a brotherly whack to the head can trigger flashbacks to that night. Now that I’ve more or less choked him, even if I do regret it, he won’t forget that for a long time, and it’s possible that he’s having a flashback every time I come near him now.

“Jimmy, please, I’m not going to hurt you,” I said, moving toward him again, hands at my side. But he yelped and moved behind Eleanor, and I stopped, raising my hands and backing off. Way to go, Coby, I chastised myself. “Look, we’ll go talk to the doctor and we’ll get you back on your meds before you leave for California, okay? Dr. Mathias can help you find a doctor out there and everything.”

“I don’t want to go back on the meds,” Jimmy repeated, still hiding behind Eleanor. I sighed, frustrated, and was about to say something when Edgar stepped forward.

“Jimmy, I know that you don’t want to go back on your meds and that’s completely understandable,” he said, and I wanted to tell him where to stick that attitude. “Luckily, there are new medications that don’t have the side effects of the old ones. If you’ll allow it, I’ll work with you and Dr. Mathias and we’ll find the right combination of meds that works for you. You do need something for your moods and for the depression, Jimmy. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. So, work with me and your doctor and we’ll find a combination that allows you to function without the side effects.”

“I just don't want to be a zombie again,” he said, coming to stand beside Eleanor. “I finally feel like myself again, these last few months, and I don’t want to lose that.”

I moved away from the group, heading back for the cornfield, pulling my phone from my pocket. I needed help, and I knew the one person who could fulfill that need. I knew when I wasn’t needed and it was clear that everything was under control. I plopped down in the dry, hard soil and ran my good hand over my face. I was such a failure of a husband; Jimmy was scared of me now, and I didn’t know if I’d ever get his trust back. I attacked him for no reason, I’ve yelled and screamed at him, and I’ll be damn lucky if he doesn’t divorce me on the spot. I dialed his sister and waited through the rings. When it went to voice mail, I sighed and left a message to call me.

“Jacoby?” a voice asked, and I looked up into Jimmy's piercing blue eyes. They were troubled, but not clouded, something else I realized had been a problem the last decade or so. He sat down in front of me, just out of reach, and I sighed once again. “What happened back there?”

I looked at his neck, seeing the bruises blossoming on his pale skin. The shirt collar had been as effective as a pair of hands, and I knew he’d be sore for a few days. I picked up some loose dirt and let it fall through my fingers as I considered my answer.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I honestly don’t know. I guess I’m just so tired of the moods and everything of late, Jimmy, you know? One minute you’re up, one minute you’re down, and I never know when you’re going to lash out at me in that time frame. I was just so mad when I found out you’d gone off your meds! You know better, Jimmy! You know better than to do that without the doctor guiding you. I know you hate how you feel on them, but damn it, Jimmy, you NEED those pills!”

“You don’t understand,” he said, shaking his head. He was right, I didn’t understand, but that was beside the point as far as I was concerned. “You don’t know what it’s like, Jacoby. Believe me if I didn’t need those pills life would be happier. I used to be so out going, and wild. I know that people sometimes mellow as they get older, but those pills just zap me of everything I am. This domestic, quiet, only slightly humorous person…that’s not me. Ask the guys back home, Jacoby; that’s not me.”

“I like that person, though,” I said, quietly, creating a small mound of dirt by my crossed feet. “I never met the wild person you used to be, Jimmy. I didn’t fall in love with that person; I fell in love with this soft spoken, considerate man who sits before me.”

“You like that?” he asked, and there was an edge to his voice.

“I do.”

“So you’d rather have a zombie for a husband?” he asked, incredulously. He had a look of pure disgust on his face and I sighed.

“I didn’t say that,” I said, with and edge to my voice. “I said I love you.”

“No, you said you fell in love with the me that’s on the pills,” he pointed out, and how could I deny that? “That’s not the real me, Jacoby. I’m sure if you ask, mom will show you some of the videos of me when I was younger. This mellow guy isn’t me and I’m not sure I like him.”

“But that’s been you for 12 years, Jimmy, so why change?” I asked, looking up at him. He wasn’t happy, that much was for sure, and I wondered how much of that was the lack of medication talking. “Why go back to the person you used to be when everyone around knows you as this mellow guy? What’s the point in that?”

“I like the old me better,” he admitted and I sighed, not quite seeing his point. Even off his meds he remained mellow, like the Jimmy I’d fallen in love with.

“Well, you’ve been off your meds now for how long? You’re still the same guy you’ve been for the last 12 years, so somehow I doubt it was the meds making you like that,” I pointed out and he growled at me. “Look, if you’re going to be that way, you can go inside and cool down before we talk again.”

He stood up and flipped me off, then headed in the front door as my phone rang. I shook my head and flopped down in the dirt, bringing the phone to my ear, ignoring the pain that shot through my back. My only thought was how I was going to make this marriage work, and I questioned if it was possible anymore.

Go Coby! *cheers a bit*

I was right there with him, hell I've been wanting to throttle Jimmy myself for a good few chapters! So all this time he's been off his meds. Coby must be absolutely kicking himself for not noticing.

I've wanted to throttle Jimmy for a while, too!

Yes, Coby is kicking his own arse for this one...and did you catch the bit about the Dr.? He plays into this in coming chapters as well. I have another cued up if you want it =)

I should be going to bed, but I'd love another one.

So the last time the doctor took him off his meds I'm guessing was when he relapsed before?

It all plays into what happened in this chapter and the next one. I don't want to give anything away, but remember that the doctor had nothing to do with this go round...it was all Jimmy. And the last time he was off his meds was right before his last relapse, when Jacoby told him to get clean or get a divorce.

***

38

Damn Jacoby! I thought as I slammed the front door behind me. I slammed my body onto the couch and curled into a ball. I managed to hold it together out there, and now he’ll think I growled at him, when I didn’t. I hadn’t thought much about that night in a long time, not even when we celebrated our anniversary. But now after he choked me and screamed at me, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I stumbled out of The Hayloft around dark, though I had no need to care what time it was. I was drunk off my ass, but it felt good. I was meeting my main dealer in the alley shortly, because I need a few hits and he had my goods for the night’s sales. I made my way to the alley, stumbling, the world spinning, and there was Brandon, handing me a bags of what I would sell and four bags of what would ultimately be my demise. I moved to my selling point, and my bounty went quickly. I pocketed the cash, figuring I could count it later, if I was even alive later.

Frankly, I’ve had it. All I do is get drunk and high every day. I can’t find a job and I wish now I’d never left California. I missed Brian and realize now that we had something, if I hadn’t gotten cold feet and run. But teenagers rarely know what’s good for them until they don’t have it, and I was one such teenager, who was now wallowing in regret. I figure I’m better off dead and tonight’s the night. The four things in my hand are my Brompton Cocktail.

I returned to the alley around midnight, and found a place to sit. I laid out the four things I’d need: two things of heroin, cocaine, and an eight ball. I started with the cocaine, because the heroin would be the finisher. I felt good as the cocaine hit my system, long ago accustomed to the high that I got and how much I needed to feel good.

I finished the eight ball next, and that felt good, too. I was reaching for the heroin when I heard a noise. Someone stumbled out of The Hayloft, apparently having reached their quota for the night. I ignored the figure and turned back to the last of my cocktail. I was feeling good, riding high, soaring above the clouds. Night had become day, and I stuck the needle in my arm, depressing the plunger. It was precisely what I needed, and I was quick to empty the second needle into my arm as well.

I don't recall the sequence of events leading up to what happened next. I just know that I was riding high, literally, and then I felt someone or something undressing me. It was all a blur from there, the pain, the blood, and then I was clothed again. I remember getting punched in the face and the gut, and then it all ended…

God, was I ever going to forget that night? It was bad enough I tried to kill myself, but to get assaulted and raped on top of it? Sometimes, like now, I wish I’d never been found. I wish the cocktail had worked and I was dead. I know Jacoby doesn’t like it when I talk like that, so I rarely do, but I think it sometimes. I wiped my face, willing my brain to turn off and quit replaying the incident over and over to me. It was like a bad movie that never ends.

I hadn’t had a flashback this bad in a long time. I stood up, looking for an out. I needed to get the images out of my head, but I hadn’t dealt with them in so long, I didn’t know what to do. I barely registered the front door opening as the solution occurred to me. I went over to the brick fireplace and started banging my head as hard as I could against the bricks.

“Jimmy! Stop!” Eleanor shouted and pulled me back, taking me into her arms. “What’s wrong?”

“Flashback,” I murmured, as the images started to fade. “Jacoby choked me and I couldn’t stop thinking about the night he found me. He triggered me, Eleanor, and I had to get the images out of my head.”

“Come here,” she said, taking me to the stairs. She led me upstairs and into the bathroom, where she sat me on the edge of the tub. The bathroom was powder blue and I had always wondered why they never redecorated. I mean, it’s powder blue…even the toilet, tub and sink match! “This might sting.”

She wasn’t kidding and I knew I’d probably scraped up my forehead. I didn’t care, though, because it was working. My head was pounding, and Eleanor pressed two Tylenol in my hand, followed by a glass of water. I took the medication without question, as she went back to my forehead. She pulled out some gauze and tape, then put it over the wound I hadn’t seen yet.

She sat down on the toilet lid and looked at me, sadness on her face. “What happened out there, Jimmy? What’s going on between you and Jacoby?”

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, now willing the Tylenol to kick in a little faster. I wanted to go home now, as Ma and Pa came into the bathroom. “Things were fine and then they weren’t fine.”

“Is he right about you going off your meds?”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “It’s exactly how I explained, it, too, for what it’s worth. You know how it is, right? You’ve been in Jacoby’s place.”

“I have,” she said, nodding. “But times were so different then. Back then, the woman didn’t have a choice: she was to stay with her husband because that’s what marriage meant. I could’ve left, I suppose, but then I’d be abandoning my husband in his greatest time of need. Never mind how often or badly he hurt me. I was an Army wife and I understood what that meant back then. But times are different now, Jim. You and Jacoby aren’t bound by any outdated customs or ideas about marriage and the like. I overheard what Jacoby said about you staying the same. He’s right; you’re the same guy you’ve been for the last 12 years just angrier.”

I couldn’t deny her, of course, because she was right. I heard the front door open downstairs and Jacoby’s familiar footfall heading up the stairs. I needed to apologize to him, but I wasn’t going to admit to anything, other than him being right. He came into the bathroom looking pained and less than pleased, especially when he saw the bandage on my forehead.

“What’d you do now?” he asked, clearly irritated. Eleanor shot him a look and he backed down. “Look, I wanted to see if you were ready to go home. I’ll get Ma and Pa ready, and your stuff. Meet me downstairs.”

I nodded, even the thought of leaving was very unappealing. I didn’t know what he’d do to me when we got home. Was he going to attack me again? Could I trust him? I wanted to stay where I was safe, but I knew that, if nothing else, I needed to pack for California.

“Head home, Jimmy, and talk to Jacoby,” Eleanor said, as she left the bathroom.

What else could I do? I stood up, my head throbbing even more, and I looked in the mirror. A small bit of bruising was making its way down the right side of my face, as it had so often in the beginning. Once I was awake and recovering, I was frequently found bashing my head into walls to rid it of the images of that night. I sighed, then went downstairs and joined my husband. He said nothing as we went out the door and walked the mile to our house. The cats were unhappy with their method of transportation and yowled the entire way. I thought about joining them, but decided to stay quiet.

“Now, we’ll take a two hour time out,” he said, as we entered the house. I let the cats out, and went to my office. We both needed to cool down and frankly, I could use a nap. “I’ll knock on your door when I’m ready to talk.”

I nodded, closing and locking the door. I needed to check on something and I didn’t need Jacoby to find out. I sat down at my desk and booted up my computer, wondering what I’d missed during my absence. While that was happening, I opened the bottom right drawer of my desk and moved aside a stack of papers. Everything was intact, so I was good for now. I shut the drawer, looked over my email, then laid down on my couch to sleep.

***

“What the hell?”

I turned over, wondering if I was dreaming. Despite all that you might know or think about me, I was not prone to hearing voices. This voice was confused and angry, and I hoped I wasn’t dreaming about my attack once again. I burrowed a bit more into my pillow and forgot about the voice.

“I thought I was right…I tried to get it out of him, but he wouldn’t come clean,” the voice was back, and I was confused now. It sounded confused, angry, and sad. “Oh hell. Jimmy, wake up.”

This was what I was afraid of, as I turned back to face the room and my husband. He was holding a pharmacy bag in his hand, and he did not look happy. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, smoothing my hair and asked a possibly stupid question.

“What?”

“Oh for God’s sake!” he shouted, and poured the bottles into my lap. I wasn’t sure if I should play dumb or not. “These, Jimmy, are the meds the hospital gave you. The same meds you went off right before you had the first of many meltdowns. When I asked you if the hospital had put you on meds, I knew darn good and well they had. I just wanted to hear you say it. Now, I see that you were given them, they got filled, and judging by the packaging, you never bothered to take them. What the hell, Jimmy?”

I shoved the bottles to the side, unwilling to talk about this. I wanted to talk about the invasion of my privacy.

“Why did you go through my drawer?” I asked, standing. Let him attack me; see if I care. “I thought we agreed that the desks were off limits.”

“We did,” Jacoby agreed, gathering the bottles and putting them back in the bag. “But under the circumstances, I think you’ve lost that privilege.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, rather displeased. “I don’t see that you’re the one to decide that.”

“Clearly it was a good thing I did,” he said, shaking the sack at me. “You’re going to re-start these meds tonight, Jimmy.”

I flipped him off and headed for the door. His iron grip grasped my arm and yanked me back and I know he saw the sudden fear in my eyes. We’d never been a violent couple and I didn’t want that for us now. The pills were in his left hand, and his strong arm was holding me tight. He glared at me, growling a bit, and I admit I started to shake.

“I’m calling Dr. Mathias and getting advice from him. But mark my word, James, you will be re-starting your medications tonight, and you will not be given a choice.”

He let my arm go and left my room, leaving me to wonder if he was ready to talk or not. I know it was stupid on my part, but if we’re going to talk, I want to get it over with. Shaking my head, I woke up my computer and refreshed my email, noting a curious email from my sister Katie.

Meet me at the Omaha airport at 1945 local time

I looked at the clock on the computer; that didn’t give me much time. This day had flown by and I needed to leave now to get there in time. I called out to Jacoby that I was picking Katie up at the airport, then ran for my truck. Jacoby hopped in right before I sped out of the garage, asking me what was going on.

“I don’t know. I just got an email from Katie asking me to pick her up at 1945.”

“We’re not done talking, Jimmy,” he warned me, and I nodded to indicate that I agreed. “I want to know why you’re so against your meds all of a sudden.”

“I’ve been against them for 12 years, I just finally got around to doing something about it, that’s all,” I said, turning onto the highway. I had no idea why my sister would decide to visit out of the blue like this. She’d only left two months ago, so what would bring her back?

“Well I don’t care how against them you are; you are going to start taking them. Dr. Mathias said to take them as prescribed on the bottle, just like you used to. I’ve still got the chart so we know when you took what, and we’ll put them in the little labeled boxes again, okay?”

“No, Jacoby, I am not taking them again.”

“Dr. Mathias was not happy to learn that you lied to him, though he suspected that you were off your meds. That’s why he started them back up on psych, but of course, you didn’t take them when you got home. I know your mother was giving you the meds, what did you do? Did you learn to pocket them?”

“No, she’d set them on my computer desk and I’d put them back in the bottles. I refuse to take medications I don’t need any more, Jacoby!” I insisted, as I merged onto the interstate. I still didn’t know why my sister was in town and I was going to ask Jacoby when he launched back into me.

“I don’t care what you think,” he said, sternly. I glanced at him in time to see anger flash across his features. “You’re taking those pills and I will shove them down your throat if I have to!”

“You know, you’ve already choked me, so you might as well finish the job!” I shouted. My neck still hurt from his abuse, and from past experience with patients in the ER, I knew I was going to be bruised for a few days. “Now, do you have any idea why my sister is coming?”

“Because I invited her,” he said, smugly.

He just won't bloody listen will he? Jimmy, take the damn meds before everything clambers into the handbasket you have prepared and takes the express to hell!

It makes you want to beat him, doesn't it? He's so stubborn and it does him no favors at all. He really needs to see the serious consequences of his behavior and while we've all seen that, he hasn't yet.

Again with the similarities here. My dad is behaving in a similar way, refusing to see the consequences of what he did, or even acknowledge that he did anything wrong to begin with...argh, makes me wanna scream!

Odd as it sounds, maybe he should read this? I don't know if it would help, but you never know.

One more? *will let you get to bed eventually* Then, I can go do the dishes I'm putting off, lol!

***

39

I have to say that the look on Jimmy's face was…interesting when I revealed that I’d invited Katie to come visit. He wasn’t exactly angry, but he wasn’t exactly happy, either. But I had to do something, you know? He’s getting worse and worse, and I know she’s his rock, and she can keep him grounded until he moves. I don’t know if I’m going with him yet; I’m thinking about taking a wait and see attitude once he’s gone. If he sticks it out and he’s happy, I’ll go, but I won’t just idly give up 12 years of solid work for a joyride to California.

“Why did you drag her out here?” Jimmy asked, as he took the exit for the airport. We were just barely going to make it, though that hardly mattered. She’d wait and flights were usually late anyway. “There’s no reason to drag her to Iowa when all we’re doing is fighting.”

“I brought her here because you are getting worse and I know she keeps you level,” I explained, jumping a bit when Jimmy picked up speed. “Hon, slow down. Don’t let your anger drive the truck.”

He slowed down and I was grateful. I trust him, despite his earlier statement about me finishing him off. I just don’t want to be in another accident, when I’m still recovering from the first one. Jimmy was quiet, though I knew he was seething at me. I was determined to get him back on his meds and I knew that Katie would help me. She was, after all, a psych nurse at UC Irvine, and she had the training needed to assist me.

“Well, let’s see how this goes,” he muttered, as he pulled into the short term parking area. He did not take my hand and he did not walk with me. He made it clear that he was unhappy by walking a few steps ahead of me and keeping silent.

I said nothing, figuring that I’d overstepped some imaginary boundary of his by doing this. I was only trying to help and if nothing else, she deserved to know that her brother was coming out to accept a job in a few weeks. We were into April now, and if he had to be there on June first, that didn’t give him much time.

We stood by the baggage carousel and soon enough, I saw Katie coming down the escalator. She waved to us and I was pleased to see she had a smile on her face. She hugged us both when she got to the carousel, then grabbed her black case.

“Jimmy, you come with me,” she said, grabbing her brother’s arm. I was left with her suitcase and she had Jimmy by the proverbial ear. I was cleared to drive now, and suspected it’d be wise of me to do so. She dragged him to the truck and stuffed him in the passenger side. I got in the driver’s seat and she sat in the middle of the backseat. “Now, Jacoby tells me you shot up a Vicodin and you keep screaming divorce. I’m up to date until now, so fill me in.”

I quickly brought her up to date on what had happened since I’d last called her, which had been while I was staying with Mark and Joyce. She frowned, but said we’d talk more at the house. I had no idea what she was going to do with her brother, but I didn’t want any bloodshed in the truck.

The drive back to Mondamin was silently tense. Jimmy was, I’m sure, mad at me for dragging his sister into the middle of our marital affairs, and Katie was mad at Jimmy for how he’d been acting and for going off his meds. She’d done so much for him the first time around and I knew that he’d have a high price to pay for not following orders.

“Katie, I’m sorry Jacoby dragged you out here,” Jimmy said, as I pulled into the garage. We all got out of the car and I took her suitcase once again. “Things aren’t nearly as bad as he’d made them out to be.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” she said, sending a forced smile at her brother. She took his arm and he flinched, which made me feel bad again. I’d probably bruised his arm when I’d grabbed him earlier. “Let’s go inside and talk.”

I held the door open for Jimmy and his sister, then took her case upstairs to one of the guest rooms. When I returned downstairs, Jimmy had coffee going and three mugs set out, along with the creamer and sugar. I bit back a question if that was really sugar or not, because that was mean. Instead, I waited for the coffee to finish making and accepted my straight black, waiting while Jimmy and Katie had a contest to see who could put the most creamer and sugar in before they had to dump it out because it was disgusting.

Katie won.

Finally, with coffee to their liking, we all sat down in the living room. I didn’t know what Katie had in mind for this talk, so I kept quiet. After a few moments of silence, Katie finally started the discussion.

“Jimmy, Jacoby has kept me up to date per my request. I know about the Vicodin slip and I know about the untouched cocaine. Now, I also know you’re off your meds and have been for some time. I had my suspicions back in January, but I didn't want to say anything. After all, you’re an adult, and I trusted you to take your meds. That, and anyone who has taken their meds as prescribed for 12 years doesn’t usually just get fed up and go off them,” she started, and her expression was clear: she was angry. “I see this so often at my job, James, and I would’ve thought you were above this.”

“I want to feel like me again, Katie,” he argued, much as he’d done with me. He sipped at his coffee, looking frustrated. “Of all people, I’d expect you to understand, given where you work. I haven’t been me for 12 years, and I wanted to be me again.”

“But you are you. The person you’ve been for 12 years is you, Jimmy. Whoever you were the night you almost died is gone,” she said, and I saw Jimmy hang his head. I don’t know why he was so hell bent on being someone he isn’t. “You can never go back to the previous Jimmy and I don’t think anyone wants you to. You don’t want to go back to that lifestyle, do you?”

“Of course not. But I hate being so subdued all the time,” he said, finishing his coffee. The white ceramic cup thunked on the coffee table as he put it down, then rubbed his hands together. I got nervous, because rubbing his hands together can be a sign of a pending OCD flare up. He won’t be able to stop if that’s the case, and he finally has his hands healed up from previous problems. “I used to be so wild and outgoing and hyper. Now I’m just…dull. I crack jokes, I love to laugh, but I’m not hyper anymore. I don’t do crazy things anymore. I’m too soft now. I know that works for my profession, but it doesn’t work for me.”

As predicted, he kept rubbing his hands together, and I reached over to stop him. He jerked his hands away with a growl and kept going. I sighed; it was going to be a tough battle to fix our marriage.

“Jimmy, stop rubbing your hands together before you chafe them,” Katie instructed, but he kept going. Without communicating, we each grabbed a hand and held it tight. “Now, I can understand that you don’t like how the meds make you feel, okay? But you have to stick with them. There are new meds that don’t have the side effects. You’ll never be hyper and stuff again and that’s not a bad thing. But you need a mood controller, you need something for depression and anxiety. One pill isn’t enough for you.”

To say that Jimmy looked crushed would be to put it mildly. There’s nothing worse than the truth smacking you broadside in the face, and I knew that is what had just happened. His lower lip quivered a bit, another sign I should’ve seen that he was off his meds: Jimmy never cried. He’d cried during his recovery from the assault and near-death, but once he was fully recovered from that, it was rare to see tears in his eyes from anything but laughter. In the last few months, I’d seen a gallon of sad tears on his face.

“Jimmy, look,” I started, not sure where I was going with that opening statement. “I should’ve realized you were off your meds, okay? But you held yourself together for so long, and it wasn’t until our anniversary that I started to think there was a problem. I don’t monitor your medications, I trust you to take them. I should’ve confronted you at the start and we could’ve avoided this whole mess. I’m sorry.”

He said nothing, and I wondered if his trust in me would ever be restored. He rubbed his neck, wincing a bit and I felt even worse. I was amazed that he was letting me continue to hold his hand, but it probably meant, to him, that my hand was busy not choking him. I sighed and looked at Katie, who was gently massaging Jimmy's right hand.

“I’ll talk with your doctor and we’ll get this figured out, okay?” she said, softly.

“Okay,” Jimmy responded, and I sighed in relief. I handed Katie my phone, with the doctor’s number connecting and waited to hear what was going to happen. She went into Jimmy's office and closed the door, leaving us in an awkward silence. “Can I have my hand back now?”

Feeling slightly hurt, I let go and watched as Jimmy moved into one of the black recliners we had in the room. What could I say? I’d ruined the trust we had, so I guess I deserved it. I was trying to decide how to approach the situation. I’m sorry didn’t seem to be nearly enough, but it was a start.

“I’m, uhm, sorry about earlier,” I started, looking at his face. He was avoiding my gaze and I sighed. “I didn’t mean to grab you like that, I really didn’t. I was just so angry when I realized what was wrong and you wouldn’t tell me. Sometimes my temper gets the better of me. I know that you had a bad flashback and it’s my fault. I’m sorry about that, and I know that’s probably not enough, but it’s a good start.”

“To be fair, you wouldn’t let me speak,” he said softly, rubbing lightly at the bruises on his neck. “I was trying to respond but you were choking me.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “And I don’t know best to apologize for that.”

“I was banging my head on the chimney to get rid of my memories,” he said, and I nodded again. “I haven’t thought about the assault in a very long time, and I didn’t want to start again today.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again, and was starting to think that’s all our marriage was good for of late. I heard Jimmy's office door open and Katie came out, closing my cell phone. She handed it back and I waited for her report.

“The doctor would like to see you, Jimmy,” she said, extending a hand to him. He took it and stood, following her to the door. “Are you coming, Jacoby?”

I hastily stood up and ran to catch them, wondering how badly Jimmy wanted me along. I knew that the doctor would need me for details, but I was still a little nervous. Jimmy was in a mood right now, and I had no idea how he would take my presence at this appointment. He was quiet as we drove back into Omaha, and headed for Creighton. He said nothing as we walked into the office and Shelly called the doctor to let him know we’d arrived. He sat down in one of the old green leather chairs in front of the oak desk in a stony silence.

“James, Jacoby, Katie,” the doctor said, as he entered the room. He took off his white lab coat and hung it on a polished hall tree, then sat down in the creaking old leather chair behind the desk. He folded his calloused hands and regarded the three of us sitting before him. “I understand that my suspicions were correct, Jimmy. When I prescribed the Paxil, I was pleased that you were coming to me and asking for help, so I didn’t say anything. But when you were on psych, I figured you were off your meds. I restarted them, and while you were on psych, we got them built back up in your system. When you went home, I had instructed your mother to get them down you no matter what. How will she feel when she finds out that you didn’t take them? She called me weekly with a report and I was pleased that you were taking your meds without complaint.”

Jimmy's lower lip was quivering and I knew he was feeling guilty.

“Now, I am pleased that you are, at least, taking the Paxil. But Katie is right: that is not enough. For the mental illnesses that you have, it will never be enough. I am willing to work with you, Jimmy, but you have to agree to work with me. I’m not going to get you regulated like you were for the last 12 years and then have you undo it. I want you in good shape before you take your new job.”

Jimmy nodded, and I put a hand on his shoulder, only to remove it when he tensed up. I wasn’t welcome right now and I had to remember that. I knew he was fighting back tears, and it was a pointless battle. His shoulders and his hands began to shake. I looked at the doctor, but he was quiet, letting Jimmy get his emotions out.

“Now, I know that you and Jacoby are going through a tough time. I talked to Jacoby the night you visited me and I know about the Vicodin. Sean came to me and talked to me about the cocaine,” he continued, and Jimmy's shoulders shook even more, if that was possible. “Jimmy, I’m not disappointed that you had these problems. I’m disappointed that you couldn’t come talk to me. For 12 years, we’ve worked hard at our relationship, which I thought was built on trust. I’m not angry or upset. I just want to know your thought process. I’m going to give you a few minutes to calm down and pull yourself together and then we’ll talk, just you and me, okay?”

Jimmy nodded and Katie took him from the room. I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face, looking at the doctor.

“What did we miss?” I asked, and the doctor leaned back in his chair, folding his hands over his stomach.

“I don’t know. I suspected as much when he came to ask me for OCD medication. However, I trusted him, because he seemed to be in control and I took that to mean he was still on his meds. I was proud that he felt comfortable asking me for help and took it at face value. Up on psych, I knew right away what the problem was, so I restarted the meds immediately. But this is of his own accord.”

“I’m his husband, though, I should’ve known!” I insisted but the doctor shook his head. “I’ve been married to him for 10 years, so how would I have not known?”

“Jimmy was crafty this time,” he said, watching the door. “He knew we’d be watching and he was able to function better with the counseling and Paxil. But that’s not enough and I think he knows that as well as we do.”

He stopped there, as the door opened and Jimmy returned with his sister. His face was red, but he was at least calm. He sat back down before the doctor and I squeezed his shoulder.

“We’ll be in the lobby,” I said, and he nodded, kissing the back of my hand. I smiled as Katie and I moved out of the office.

The kiss had been a good start, at least.

My heart is breaking for these two right now. I hope to hell that with Dr Mathias and Katie's help that they can start to work on things.

Right, I gotta go to bed or I'm never gonna be able to get up at 4am!

I know...and it will be interesting to see what you think of the next few chapters!

Sleep well! I'll post more tomorrow afternoon my time =)

40

I wasn’t sure what Dr. Mathias was going to say to me, given that he’s been nice about things so far. I wished my sister were here or even my husband. I know that I’m not feeling very good about my marriage right now, but I’d still like to have him here. I looked at the floor, examining the worn carpet as though it was the most fascinating thing on earth. It was brown, and it was easy to see where years of people’s feet have rested. There were indentations from the chairs and the desk, and it could probably stand to be replaced.

“James,” he said, and I looked up. He’s the only person who can call me James and get away with it. “As I said, I’m quite disappointed that you didn’t come to me when these problems surfaced. However, I cannot turn back the clock and encourage you to do so.”

Was I supposed to say something? I didn’t have a response, so I stayed quiet.

“Now,” he continued, as I looked around his office. Cream walls, degrees from the various programs he’d graduated from, mahogany furniture. He had to be far wealthier than I was, but it didn’t show. “All things previously said aside, I want to know what happened, Jimmy.”

What I supposed to say that hadn’t already been said?

“I just—I was tired of how I felt. I feel like a zombie most of the time and the real me is squashed beneath these pills,” I started slumping a bit in my seat. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “I know that everyone keeps saying that who I’ve been is who I am, but that’s not really me, you know? I know that everyone is probably right, that the old me is gone, but I hate feeling like a zombie. I function, I smile, I can do my job, but I’m so dull. The pills made me feel inhuman and I want to feel human again.”

“And had you come to me and said this, I would’ve worked with you to taper you down from your medications and get on newer ones that don’t have that problem,” the doctor said, as though he were addressing a small child. “Did you just stop them cold turkey?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I did. I know that was dumb, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel very good for a few days, but Jacoby bought the “I’ve just got the flu” story, so I was okay,” I responded, feeling guiltier than ever. “It worked, though. I feel better than I’ve felt in years, minus a few panic attacks and breakdowns.”

“That’s why you need to get back on medications, Jimmy. I can help you, but you have to let me. This is the first time in 12 years that I haven’t been able to trust you. I’m not going to send you to Irvine, get you a good doctor, and have you ruin it all,” he informed me, and I looked down, chastised. We’d built such a good relationship, I hadn’t imagined it could ever be soured. “Will you work with me?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding. No matter what, I needed to have a good relationship with him, because when all else failed, he could always help me.

“Now, I’m going to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication, because I know the panic attacks are starting back up, correct?” I nodded. “You’re on Paxil, which covers depression, but I also want you on a mood stabilizer.” He took out his prescription pad and grabbed a pen, chewing on it a bit. “These are newer drugs and should have fewer of the bad side effects. Give them at least two months before you decide if you are having side effects or not. Don’t stop taking them, don’t drink with them, and bring to me any concerns you have.”

I agreed to this and accepted the papers with my new pills written on them. The doctor stood and went to get Jacoby and Katie, leaving me with my thoughts. I hated the idea of being drugged up once again, but in a way, I think I knew this was necessary. If I’m going to take this job out in Irvine and be successful, it won’t do to be in the state I’m in now.

“Have a seat,” the doctor said, as he resumed his chair. He looked all of us over and I thought I saw a ghost of a smile on his face. “Now, Jimmy and I have talked and he’s explained his thoughts to me. I’ve given him an anti-anxiety medication and a mood stabilizer, since the Paxil will take care of the rest. He’s to give them two months before deciding if he can tolerate them, barring any allergic reactions etc. He knows the rules: he can’t stop them without my permission and he brings all concerns to me. These are newer, so should have fewer side effects than what he was on before.”

Jacoby gave me a look and I nodded. I didn’t need to hear the words to know I was being instructed to take them without protest. I would choke them down no matter what, and I had a feeling mom was going to standing over me when I got out there. She and dad were helping me get the acreage and a family friend was going to do the restoration on it. I had argued that I would pay my parents back, since they were paying for the work, but they refused. I think this was their way of making up for the 10 years they missed, and they know I’ll be under their roof for quite a while.

“Any questions or concerns?” the doctor asked, and I tried to think of something, anything to delay going back home, but had to shake my head. “Very well then. I will follow up with you in about three weeks, and we’ll see how things are going. I’m going to talk to some colleagues in Irvine and the surrounding area and see if I can find someone for you to see out there, okay?”

“I appreciate it,” I said, because really, what else could I say without sounding ungrateful?

We stood and the doctor gave me a hug, which was unusual. He whispered something to Jacoby and then we were on our way. Once out in the hall, I looked at Jacoby in askance.

“Nothing,” he said, and walked forward, heading for the truck. Katie put an arm around my waist as we walked and I hugged her back. “We’ll talk at home.”

I hung my head as we left, clutching the papers that would restart my life, in a way. I liked, to an extent, who I was now, even if I did have my problems. I didn’t enjoy the panic attacks, but those are at a minimum, if people quit attacking me. I sat in the passenger seat, waiting while Jacoby got into drive. We’d be stopping by Valley Drug Store in Mo. Valley on the way home, and then I’d be back on a schedule of pill popping.

Oh joy.

***

A couple weeks later, I was noticing a difference in myself: I wasn’t so moody all the time and I wasn’t crying as much. Jacoby and I had mended our differences once again, and I found out the doctor had told him to cut me some slack. His arm was healing and he was due for another check up here soon. Hopefully, he’d be able to get back to work, because he was driving me nuts with his inability to sit still.

“Coby? I’m heading out to mow, are you coming with?” I called, bounding down the stairs in my old jeans and old tennis shoes. I was slicked up good with sunscreen, since I burn so easily.

“I’m on my way out to work on the garden,” he responded, emerging from the bathroom. “We’ve got stuff coming up and I want to weed a little bit.”

“All right,” I said, nodding. I went outside, enjoying an unseasonably warm April day. My time here in Iowa was winding down; I was due for orientation at my new job on June 17th, but would be moving to mom and dad’s on June 3rd. That would give me time to settle back in and have a few days before I had to start working again. “I’ll be in the shed.”

I could feel the heaviness in the air as I left the house, and I knew a storm was coming. That made me more eager to get the lawn mowed, simply because if I didn’t, the rain would make it grow that much faster. Our two acres are hard enough to keep up with as it is, I didn’t need the rain making it worse.

“All right, Mother Nature, if you can hold off for just a few more hours, I can get done,” I muttered as I got the rider out of the shed. I gassed it up, then turned it on and started mowing. The sun stayed out, beating right on me, but I didn’t care as long as it wasn’t raining.

I was about half done (which isn’t saying much for this place) when the first rain drops fell. I decided to keep going and finished the last strip in time for it to downpour. With a sigh, I rode back to the house, and put the mower away, heading back inside.

“You look like a drowned rat,” Jacoby said, as I went downstairs to shower. I hated tracking wet grass and mud through the house, and I could toss my clothes in the wash.

“Thanks to Mother Nature,” I said, as thunder boomed outside. I love spring storms, but not today. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Better hurry, the lightning is pretty close to the house,” Jacoby said, as I stepped under the spray of water. “Got severe thunderstorm warnings out for us, too.”

I washed up as fast as I could, and got out in time to hear an alert sound on the TV we kept down here. Jacoby was on the couch glued to the TV, and I watched as I dried off.

“This is the warned cell here,” the meteorologist was saying, gesturing to the map behind him. “So folks in Missouri Valley, Mondamin, Honey Creek, be taking shelter right now, as this storm is bearing down on you. There’s a spotter confirmed tornado on the ground two miles north of Missouri Valley and it’s heading northeast at around 15-20 miles per hour. This is a very dangerous storm, so take shelter immediately.”

Shelter? Right. I ran upstairs and grabbed my camera, then ran out the door and into the yard. I saw the tornado and started snapping pictures of it, trying to capture it from every angle. Jacoby was screaming at me to get back inside, and once I had enough pictures, I ran as fast as I could. I got in the door just as the hail started to fall and accepted a well deserved smack to the head from Jacoby.

“Good God,” he said, as he went downstairs. “When they say take shelter they don’t mean go out and take pictures!”

We sat downstairs, and Jacoby popped batteries into the radio, as we watched TV and waited for the lights to go out. The storms weren’t usually this strong in April, but the weather hadn’t been right for years. I listened to the storm raging outside, hearing that freight train roar that accompanied tornados, and just prayed the house would survive.

“Uhm Jimmy,” Jacoby said, and I looked over at him. He looked nervous and I wondered what he wanted. Once the meds started building up in my system, we’d been good. “We have to talk about your move to California.”

“Okay. I’m heading out the first week in June and will live with mom and dad while the house deal goes through and the work is done. I start orientation on June 17th,” I said, and I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. “You’re not coming, are you?”

“Not right away,” he said, shaking his head. I nodded, not sure how I should feel about that. “I just want to make sure this is going to last, okay? I’ve been at Creighton for 12 years, Jimmy, and I can’t give that up for a trip to California. If things work out and you’re happy and willing to stay, I’ll start job searching.”

I was quiet for a bit, listening to glass break upstairs. The house didn’t matter so much now; what mattered was that Jacoby was doubting me.

“Well, I don’t plan to come back. Even if that job doesn’t work out for some strange reason, I’m not coming back. Even Dr. Mathias agrees that I need this, so I don’t think moving back will be on my agenda.”

Jacoby nodded, his eyes sad. “I just don’t want you to give up what we have here, that’s all. We’ve worked hard the last 12 years for this, remember? I’m going to be doing it all alone, going to the fair and the Farmer’s Market alone, and what do I tell people? I can’t give this up, Jimmy, and I don’t know that moving to sunny California is the balm you expect it to be.”

“Jacoby, haven’t we been over this a million times? The winters here are long and dark. I don’t do well with the lack of sunshine and the cold weather. I hate driving to and from work in the winter, especially when it’s dark. I’m tired of the snow storms and the ice storms and the cold,” I said, feeling exasperated. “What else can we talk about? California is not going to be perfect and I never said it would be. But when I went out there with mom and dad, in the middle of February, I got there and my life felt good. I felt at home again, I was happy. I still had some problems, and I don’t expect things to go away all at once. But this is going to help, Jacoby.”

The window had died down a bit, but I was focused on my husband. The lights went out, but there were enough windows in the basement room for us to see by. I could see that he was troubled, and I didn’t know how to help him.

“Look, I don’t want to fight. We’ve been good for the last few weeks and I want to keep it that way. I’m going to miss you when you go, but I can’t just pack up and leave.”

“Then we won’t fight. I’ll move and you’ll stay here. Once we see how things go, we’ll revisit the subject. We wouldn’t be the first married couple to live separately,” I pointed out and he nodded, sighing as he turned on the radio. We were given the all clear and I glanced at him. “Well, I guess we should go see what the damage is, huh?”

Jacoby nodded and we left the basement, heading upstairs. Ma and Pa were hiding under the kitchen table and appeared unharmed. The living room windows were gone, but there appeared to be no water damage, which surprised me. I figured it would have rained in, but that did not seem to be the case.

“Well, windows can be replaced,” I said, glad that we had homeowner’s insurance. “Let’s look outside.”

We stepped out the front door and walked down the steps, noting all the branches that were down in the yard. Our roof would need re-doing, as a good chunk of the shingles were scattered in the yard. Otherwise, we seemed to have gotten lucky. No damage to the gardens or the garage or shed; Jacoby was already on the phone with insurance and I said I was going to walk up the road to check on Hank and Eleanor.

The walk helped clear my mind, as I looked up into the sun that was now peeking through the clouds. It’s ironic how Iowa weather works. A tornado just blew through, it’s still raining and the sun is already coming out. I made the walk quickly and entered their yard, glad to see them standing and surveying the damage.

“How bad is it?” I asked, and Eleanor turned to smile at me.

“Not bad,” she said, hugging me. “A few broken windows, the roof will need re-done and we lost some siding. The main thing was the roof over the garage caved in. I’m afraid our 30 year old truck is gone.”

“That’s not such a bad thing,” I said, with a bit of a laugh. “We lost some windows, some shingles, but everything else is fine. Got a lot of branches to clean up, and Jacoby’s on the phone with insurance already.”

“Well, considering we almost lost the house to a storm back in 1975, this isn’t so bad at all,” Hank said, as I saw Jacoby enter the yard. “Get in line with the roofers?”

“Yep,” he said, nodding. He pocketed his phone and looked around. “Insurance gal is already on her way out and she’ll get us a check on the spot. I’ve called a couple of friends and they’re going to do the roof and get the windows ordered. I told them you’d probably need help, too, so they’ll come look here.”

“Hank? Eleanor?” a voice called and we all turned. “Well, at least the house is standing this time.”

“Jessica, these are our neighbors Jimmy and Jacoby. This is Jessica, our insurance adjuster,” Eleanor said, as we all shook hands. “Yes, the house is still standing. Thankfully for that.”

Jacoby and I decided to head back home and I wondered if I would miss the storms when I left. I was going to miss a lot of things when I left, mostly my husband. But I was going and nothing was going to stop me.

41

Time flew by after the storm. Jimmy and I got the yard restored and the house as well. He started packing and before I knew it, we were lying in bed together the night before he had to leave. He was in my arms, holding me lightly. The drama of the past few months seemed a distant memory as he kissed my neck and chest. I returned the hug as best I could with my arm still in a cast, but the passion wasn’t affected.

Even in the dark, I knew he was grinning as he shifted his position. He was now straddling me, continuing the light kisses that made me squirm. We’d been more passionate the last few nights, and I felt that old spark coming back. Jimmy was Jimmy again, if that makes any sense. He hit a sensitive spot and my hips bucked, causing him to laugh lightly.

“Liked that, did you?” he asked seductively. I muttered out a yes, the best I could muster at this point and he hit it again and again. He was inside me before I knew it and my body went wild. I flipped us over and returned the favor. “Oh…do that again.”

I repeated the maneuver I’d perfected years ago and I knew that Jimmy wasn’t soon to forget me. When he was worn out, we laid next to each other, knowing this was our last night together for a while.

“Are you still coming out in July?” he asked, his head lying on my chest.

“Of course,” I said, nodding. “I wouldn’t miss that for the world. I start back to work Wednesday, but Sean assures me that I’ll have enough PTO built up by then to go. I think he’ll make sure of it.”

“That’s what I love about Sean,” Jimmy said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. He sighed and I waited for him to speak again. “You know that my new job is provisional?”

“No, I didn’t,” I said, intrigued. He hadn’t mentioned that at all. “When did you find out?”

“This morning,” he responded, with a sigh. “I didn’t know that when I accepted it. I guess I’m filling in for someone who’s having a baby. But, if I do a good job and stay calm, they have a pilot retiring in October and I might be eligible for that spot. That would be permanent.”

“Good luck,” I said, because what else could I say? Gee, I hope you don’t get it and have to come home? That would be unfair, especially since I know he bought that old farm. Some friends of his parents are doing the work and his folks are paying for it. “What happens if it’s not?”

“I knew you’d ask that,” he said, but he didn’t sound upset. “I guess I’ll just find other work out there. Mom said the beach patrol is always hiring, nursing homes are short staffed, too, so we’ll see.”

“You and the elderly…not something I’d think would work. I know you made it work during clinicals for your RN, but wow. Are they prepared?”

He punched my shoulder and I pretended to be hurt. “Oh shut it,” he said, laughing. “I get on very well with the elderly, thank you. They love me.”

I laughed, knowing that the few weeks he’d done clinicals in a nursing home had been hell for everyone. The residents were a little intimidated by his height and the fact that a few tattoos couldn’t be covered up. He was intimidated by the fact that these people did nothing all day, pretty much. He tried to change that and get more activities offered, but it’s hard to change what people like.

“Well, we should get to sleep. You have to be at the airport at 10, and I think there’s a going away party for you tomorrow,” I said, yawning a bit. His belongings had been shipped out yesterday, and he was left with a small bag to take on the plane tomorrow. “I love you. Don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t. I love you, too,” he responded, as he snuggled into me. I closed my eyes, knowing how tired I was, but the thought that my husband was leaving me wouldn’t let me sleep right away. “I hope I make it without you.”

“You will,” he mumbled, turning over. “Trust me. You’ll be okay.”

I wasn’t sure I believed him.

***

The next morning went by in a blur. We were up, showered, and dressed by 0630. Hank and Eleanor came over and made breakfast and our house was filled with neighbors, co-workers, and friends. Jimmy managed to see everyone at least once before we headed for the airport. Dr. Mathias met us there, apologized for missing breakfast, and gave Jimmy the name of a trusted friend out in Irvine.

“She’ll take good care of you and is up to date on everything,” he promised. “Have a good flight and keep in touch.”

“I will, and thanks,” he said, hugging the doctor.

We got him checked in and then it was time. His flight would leave in an hour and it was important for him to be at the gate now. I’ve never been good at long goodbyes, but this time was different. I wouldn’t be seeing him until July, which wasn’t nearly as far away as it seemed, but it seemed to me to be years away. I held him and held him, unable to let go.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said, as we finally parted.

“I’m going to miss you, too,” he said, kissing me deeply. We kissed for what felt like an eternity, and then pulled back, panting. “I guess I’d better go. But I’ll call when I get there, okay?”

“You better,” I said, drawing him in for one final hug. “And we’ll call or email every day.”

“Deal,” he said, and then he turned and walked toward security. I waved at him and then turned around and walked to the truck.

It was going to be a long month.

***

It was a relief to get back to work, I’ll say that much. It took my mind off being alone, anyway. Jimmy called as promised when his flight landed and we communicated in some form every day. I know this is going to make us stronger, but I think he’s got bad timing. We’re both still hurting in some way from recent events, even if we have patched things up. I’m still healing from the accident, though I don’t have much left to heal. My arm will be right as rain in a few more weeks, the doctor said, and my back was just a pulled muscle.

Light duty is as dull as it sounds. I’m not able to lift while my back heals, so I get to check patients into the ER and help with IV starts, hooking up heart monitors and patient transportation. I can take vitals like a pro now, and have been pegged into some ‘one on one’ duties in the ER. We have a psych unit, but sometimes, there’s a delay in patients leaving the ER and heading upstairs. Someone has to sit with them and keep them calm, so that’s been a large part of my job.

I was sitting with an elderly woman about three weeks after Jimmy had left when I got a text.

How’s it going? Jimmy asked, and I smiled, taking my phone out. I was due to get my cast off in another week or so and I could get back to work regular work.

Not bad. Sitting with a pleasantly confused woman. I get my cast off next week most likely.

Finally. How long as it been since the accident?

Three months. It was a bit slow to heal, but it’s fine now. Anthony’s back to work, too, but he’s got another three months on his leg. Hollister is back, too, and her ankle is all healed.

“What’s that?” the woman asked, and I looked up at her.

“Oh, it’s my phone. My husband had to take a job for a little while in another state and so he sends me messages through my phone.”

“I remember my husband going away,” she said, and I knew she was thinking back. She had Alzheimer’s, and according to the nursing home that sent her over, her memories started right after her husband died in 1945. “He went away for the war. He served this country proudly. We wrote letters back and forth for weeks on end. He was killed right at the end of the war in 1945. Someone blew him up.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, as my phone buzzed again.

I’ll call you tonight. Love you.

Love you, too.

“Times are so different now,” she said, smiling. I asked her if she needed anything, but she shook her head. “No, what I need you couldn’t offer me. I never remarried, you know. I was a widow at the age of 35 with three children: Nancy, Ardis, and Larry. But I never remarried. Ralph was my one true love, and my only love. I’ve been alone since 1945. That’s 65 years of being alone. I’m ready to go home to my Ralph now. Nancy, Ardis, and Larry are all able to fend for themselves now. I’ve seen 12 grandchildren, 11 great grandchildren, and 10 great-great grandchildren. I’m done now.”

What was I supposed to say to that?

“Well, I’m sure when the time is right, it will happen,” I said, though it sounded lame. I looked up as her doctor came in to talk to her. Her son Larry lives here in Omaha, but was out of town and would be here when he could.

“All right, Gladys. It looks like you’ve just got a mild case of pneumonia. We’ll keep you over night as a precaution and then you can get back home tomorrow.”

“Thanks, doctor,” she said, and I was given the room number. I unlocked the brakes on the bed and we moved through the halls, heading up to the medical floor. Once she was in bed, she took my good hand and shook it lightly. “Thanks, Jacoby. It was nice talking to you.”

“It was my pleasure, Gladys. I hope you get better,” I said, and took the bed back downstairs. It was almost time to go home and I was ready. 12 hours drags by when you’re stuck in the building all shift.

“How’s Jimmy?” Sean asked, as I came into the bay. He was working on end of shift reports and looked bored. It was a slow day in ER today.

“He’s good. He’s settled in and starts orientation tomorrow. He bought that run down farm and I guess he’s just giddy with excitement about it. It’s going to be almost identical to the house we have here,” I said, glancing at the clock. I’d be reporting off to the night shift soon, so my shift was pretty well done.

“Are you going out?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, looking down at the floor. “I really don’t know. I think he saw a chance and ran, honestly. I mean, I try to have faith in him and all, but I feel like he ran. I told him I’m not going to run out there on a joyride. I’m giving him a year and if he’s happy and all is well, I’ll think about it. But I don’t want to give up what I have here.”

“It’s good to give it time. Just don’t give it too much time,” Sean advised and walked away.

I stood after him, wondering what in the world that meant. I wasn’t going to leave Jimmy or anything. We’ll just have to live in separate states for a while, you know? That isn’t giving it too much time, that’s giving it plenty of time. I refuse to run to California then turn around and come back. It’s easier if one person does that, because then we have a place to live.

I looked up as I saw a new group move in, ready to report off. Even though the house is lonely (he took the cats), I still like the end of my workday. I gave my report and then went to my locker and put my stuff away. My phone rang as I walked out of the ER and I greeted Jimmy with a huge smile on my face.

“Hey Slim,” I said, grinning.

“Hey Jack,” he answered back and I could heard the smile on his face. “How’s it going?”

“Just got off work. 12 hours is very dull on restricted duty. The last patient I had tonight wanted to die, but she’s not sick enough.”

“Those always make me sad,” he said, and I could hear him clicking on a keyboard. “Mom and dad say hi. We’re having a big BBQ tonight, kind of let everyone see me before I get busy with work. I’ve got a full eight hour day tomorrow. I can’t wait for the real work to start.”

“It will,” I said, smiling. “What else is going on out there?”

“Whole lot of nothing, sadly,” he said, sighing. “I miss you. I wish it was time for you to come out here.”

“Me, too, but we talked about that,” I said, getting in the truck. I cranked on the a/c and shed my uniform shirt. “I’ll be out there in July, though. You get settled in, kick ass at your new job, and before you know it, we’ll be together again.”

“I can’t wait,” he said, though he didn’t sound renewed. I heard a voice in the background and a mumble from Jimmy. “I gotta go. I’m helping set up the backyard and stuff. But keep me updated and I’ll see you in July. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said, hanging up. I backed out of my spot and headed for the interstate. Once out in the open, I saw the black sky to the north and watched the lightning. My heart felt much the same way: black with longing for my husband.

And I'm back on the poor Coby train. I hope that this seperation isn't going to do more harm than good. *worries*

Would you like to finish this one today? We've got...two chapters left and then I can give you the opener to the sequel =).

This separation is...many things for them, as we see in the sequel. To me, the sequel was even more of an emotional roller coaster than this one!

Just got this. I'm heading to bed but if you post 'em I'll get 'em in the morning before work!

Didn't get the email about your response =(. I will get them posted, then and plan to start the sequel tomorrow =)

***

42

I sighed as I hung up with Jacoby and pocketed my phone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m out here and I’m very happy, but I miss him like crazy. Sometimes, I think I ran out here to get away from the crap I was putting up with back there. If this position ends and I can’t find anything, I might go back, though I’d hate to give up the farm I just bought.

I can’t wait until the farm is done. It’s going to be so exciting! It’s three stories with a basement, and yes I’m probably nuts for not tearing it down and starting over. But it’s got so much charm and potential to it, you now? It’s going to have laminate floors, brand new windows, a finished basement, it’s going to be earthquake proof, everything.

Mostly, I can’t wait to start work. I’m going to be doing exactly what I did at Creighton, just for three months instead of a lifetime. But, who knows? Maybe something else will open up and I can stay at Irvine. I need to fly; I haven’t flown since January, and I miss it.

“Jim, come on, time to set up,” dad reminded me, as I came downstairs. He smiled at me, and I mustered a smile back. “Lost in thought?”

“Yeah. I just talked to Jacoby,” I said, sighing. “I can’t wait for him to get out here in another couple of weeks. I know he’ll only have four weeks and then he has to go back, but I still can’t wait.”

“He’ll be here before you know it. Once you start work, that will help as well,” he reminded me, and I nodded, as we went to the basement and started hauling tables out. “How long will you be on orientation?”

“Six weeks,” I said, starting backward up the steps. The tables weren’t necessarily heavy, they were just awkward. “Then I can finally get flying again. I’ll have to pass their flight test, but that won’t be a problem.”

“You haven’t flown, though, in a while. Is there anywhere to practice before the test?”

“Yeah, they’ve got a practice field and I’m scheduled there a couple of times before the test. They know the circumstances and the ruling on my licenses, so they know I’ll need a moment to get back under the wing, so to speak.”

“I know you’ll do fine,” he said, as we moved the long white tables out into the backyard. My family did not just host a BBQ. It hosted one hell of a BBQ. Dad and I would take turns manning the grill and mom had a buffet of side dishes, salads, and desserts to encompass four tables. “How much food is your mother making?”

“Enough,” I answered, laughing. “Don’t forget that she asked others to bring stuff as well. We’ll probably be so stuffed we can’t move.”

“Typical Sullivan family party,” he said, as the table was flipped into place. Mom was right behind us with a tablecloth, and we went back for the other three. “At least you’ll have lunch for work for a few days.”

“No kidding. I prefer to take my lunch because it’s cheaper. Leave it to mom, huh?”

I moved up the stairs again, and jumped when I heard a strangled meow. The table crashed onto my bare foot and I let out a strong of curse words as Pa went running into the dining room to lick his offended paw. I wished licking would make my throbbing foot feel better!

“You okay?” dad asked, clearly trying to hold in his laughter. There was a nice bruise forming on my foot and I’m pretty sure at least one toe is broken. I’d live, though, and finally burst out laughing, relieving dad of his laughter as well. “What was that?”

“That was Pa,” I said, wiping the tears that were rolling down my face. I picked up my end of the table once again and limped out into the backyard, receiving a glare from Pa as we passed by. He even tucked his front paws under him a bit further. “I trod upon his paw and he was offended.”

We put the table in place and I caught mom glancing at my foot.

“What happened to your foot?” she asked, spreading a tablecloth out. I looked down and realized that now only was it bruising, it was swelling as well. The last two toes were definitely broken, as they were black and blue and twice their normal size. Way to go, I congratulated myself.

“I was coming up the stairs and didn’t see Pa. I stepped on his foot, he startled me and I dropped the table on my foot. It’s fine, a couple broken toes, but there’s nothing that can be done for those. I’ll live,” I said, as she started laughing, shaking her head. “I’ll put some ice on it when we’re done here.”

“No, go ice it now,” she said, as I saw my brother-in-law come in with my sister Kelly. “Marcus can help.”

I knew better than to argue, so I limped into the kitchen, grabbed a towel and an ice pack and sat down outside nursing my offended limb. Pa seemed to be in hiding currently, and I can’t say I blame him. Katie and Kelly came to sit with me and both immediately asked about my foot. I told them the story, wondering how many times I was going to repeat that tonight.

“Poor Pa,” Katie said, and I pouted and crossed my arms. She laughed, pretending to wipe tears from my face. “Okay, poor Jimmy too. I suspect you’re in more pain than the cat.”

“This is true,” I said, nodding. More people were flooding in and I waved as my friends started arriving. “Who’s up for the pool?”

I shed the ice pack and my clothes, revealing my swim trunks, and lead the charge for the pool. Ever the mother, mom handed me the sunscreen and I couldn’t say no. My foot was hurting badly enough; I didn’t need a sunburn on top of it. Once we were all protected, we hopped in the water, starting a splash war, which I won. They should know better than to test me like that, considering I’m taller, stronger, and have been winning for years.

“I’m glad you’re back man,” Brian said, slapping me on the back. He grinned at me and hugged me tight, and I found myself feeling the urge to kiss him. I was sure my feelings died in that alley in Council Bluffs. We pulled apart and shared a look, then hastily looked away, as a voice called out Brian’s name. “Mike! Come meet Jimmy!”

My heart sank into the bottom of the pool. I knew he’d moved on a long time ago, but I’d never actually met Mike. They’d been together about four months, after several failed relationships, including Brian’s divorce last December. I watched as Mike came into the pool and put his arm around Brian, kissing him on the cheek. Mike was about my height, but built more like Matt: six-pack abs, giant muscles in his arms and he was drop dead gorgeous. No wonder he didn’t want me! That shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I was going to have to bring that up to my counselor, whom I was still seeing, because it bothered me. Besides that, I thought he was with Michelle!

“Incoming!” a voice called and I barely ducked to avoid a volleyball heading my way. I reached up and slapped it back over the net, trying to recover my good spirits. I had a husband and despite recent events, we were happily married. “Jimmy, you’re up!”

The remainder of the evening went by quickly. We ate, played in the pool and then Brian asked for a moment of quiet. I knew what was going to happen and I put on my happy face, even though inside, my heart was breaking.

“I know this is Jimmy's party, but I wanted to do this with our friends and family around,” he began, one hand nervously fiddling in his pocket. He looked over at Mike, who was smiling at him. Maybe he’ll say no and I’ll get my chance. That was mean. “Mike, we’ve been together now for about four months, which I realize isn’t very long. However, no one else has captured my heart the way you have.” What about me? I wanted to ask. “I was wondering how you’d feel about being mine forever?”

Mike broke into a huge smile and nodded, unable to speak, apparently. Brian grinned and slipped the thin silver band on his finger while we all applauded and congratulated them. I hugged them both and gave them my best wishes, though I wasn’t feeling it. I watched them move through the crowd and I wasn’t upset that they’d gotten engaged at my party; I was just…upset.

The party wound down after that, and everyone headed for home. Katie pulled me aside when we were done cleaning up and hugged me.

“That upset you didn’t it?” she asked quietly, and I nodded, glad no one could see us. She sighed, squeezing my shoulder. “You and Jacoby are strong, remember? You’re love is for him, not Brian. You and Brian were a teenage fling and it was over years ago, got me?”

“I know all that!” I hissed at her, keeping my voice down. I didn’t want anyone to overhear us and wonder what was going on. Thankfully, the burning bush my parents had in their backyard was bigger than the both of us combined and it kept us hidden. “I know that. I don’t know why I’m so bothered. I hugged Brian, as I’ve done so many times, but all those old feelings came back. I’m sound in my marriage and I love Jacoby and no one else.”

“Make sure it stays that way,” she warned, and walked off.

I shook my head and went inside to get ready for bed. It was late and while I didn’t have to be at work until eight, it was a half hour drive, and I didn’t want to be tired my first day. I packed my lunch, then bid goodnight to my parents. Once I was in bed, I snuggled down deep into the covers, wishing Jacoby was here to keep me company.

***

My first day of work was not off to a good start. I was on time and refreshed, and they had a lounge for us to put our lunches in if we brought them. We were crammed in a little room for the entire eight hours, minus lunch and bathroom breaks. We had our pictures taken for our badges and had the orientation schedule explained. There would be general orientation for the first week and then we’d head into orientation with our respective departments.

That part was fine. My foot was aching, but I could live with that. At least I don’t have to make ambulance runs with it. The part that was hard was that one of the new hires, someone whom I’d be working with in ER, I found out, had a problem with me. We’d gotten into a pleasant conversation about where we’d come from and why we chose to work here. I explained my situation and as soon as I said something about “my husband”, her pleasant demeanor changed.

“You’re one of those?” she asked, backing away a little. I was offended, since she’d been fine with me a few seconds ago.

“Depends what you mean by ‘one of those’. If you mean I’m gay, then yes,” I said, with a slight edge to my voice. “But I’m not a bad person. A few seconds ago, you were fine with me.”

She said nothing, just moved away. She was talking to someone else and pointing at me, and I sighed. I’d forgotten how hard it was to start over somewhere new, and it made me miss Creighton all of a sudden. The thought of returning home, where I was welcome, was a strong one. When our break had ended, I noticed that she and several others now sat as far away from me as they could, leaving me looking stranded with empty chairs around me. The instructor noticed, but didn’t say anything; after all we’re all adults, though it didn’t seem like it just now.

I was glad when the day ended and we could all head home. I made my way quietly out of work and to my truck, which had arrived safely from Iowa a couple weeks ago. I still needed to get California plates on it, but that would come in time. I used the drive home to call Jacoby.

“Hey Jim,” he said, and I knew he was smiling. “How was your first day?”

“Lousy,” I said, and explained what had happened. “I can’t believe people are still like that!”

“I’m sorry, honey,” he said, and I sighed. “Just remember that once she gets to know you, it will roll right off your back. How are things otherwise?”

“Brian got engaged,” I said, taking the turn for mom and dad’s house. I needed to lay out on the beach for a bit and relax. “He and Mike have been together four months now and they were quite happy.”

“That’s good, if a bit soon, tell them I said congrats!” he said cheerfully. “Were you okay with that?”

“Of course,” I said, shrugging. I sat in the driveway for a bit to finish talking. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because Brian was your first love and I know since reconnecting some feelings have resurfaced. It’s not hard to tell,” he said, gently, and I hung my head. I hadn’t meant to be that obvious. “But it’s okay. Because I know that I can trust you.”

“You can,” I told him, more because I felt I had to than anything. “I should get inside; mom’s looking out the window. But I love you and I’ll call again tomorrow, okay?”

“Better day tomorrow,” he said, and I nodded, hanging up.

I went inside and mom picked up on my mood right away. She hugged me, then led me to the couch.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, looking at me. I took my shoes off my bruised foot glad for the relief.

I told her what had happened at orientation and she said much the same as Jacoby. I agreed with her, but it was still hard to think that people out there could still be so intolerant.

“It will get better,” she promised as she went into the kitchen to make supper.

I knew she was right, but I had a feeling it was going to take a very long time.

43

I got my long cast off two days before I left for my month-long vacation in California. I still had a short cast, but I could live with that. I couldn’t wait to see Jimmy and hold him. Oddly, that’s all I’ve wanted to do was just hold him. We’d been communicating on the phone for the last month, and he’s sounded lonely. I realize this was his choice, but I did feel bad that he was lonely. He’d been reconnecting with his friends out there, and I think he’s okay with Brian’s engagement, but there’s something wrong and I want to get it out of him.

I double checked my bags, then made sure I had enough money and my tickets. I called Eleanor and double checked they’d watch the house, and finally, I heard a horn honk outside. I triple checked the locks on the windows and doors, then took my suitcase and hauled it outside. Anthony and his wife, who lived two miles up the road, were waiting for me. I climbed in the backseat of their truck and thanked them for the ride.

“Did you finally get a walking cast?” I asked, noticing the much shorter cast on Anthony’s leg.

“Just this morning,” he said, grinning. “I see you got your cast down to a short cast now as well.”

“Yes, and eventually, we can get back to real work,” I said, laughing. Tony laughed with me, as I knew he was as tired of the bullshit as I was. “Did you ever hear what happened to the driver of the car that rolled us?”

“Last I heard she was in some sort of rehab facility. She’s recovered from the damage to her brain, but she’ll never walk again. I guess she’s got some memory loss, and she doesn’t speak clearly, but she’s alive.”

“Damn. I saw her car as they were taking me out of the rig and I don’t see how she’s still alive,” I said, shaking my head. I watched the dull landscape go by, as we fell into a comfortable silence. Iowa wasn’t all that exciting, really: corn fields, bean fields, things like that. If you get off on the county roads and such it’s a little better, because there are small towns and you can see the beauty of Iowa.

“How is Jimmy doing out in California?” Anthony asked, turning a bit in his seat.

“He’s kind of lonely,” I admitted. “But he’s doing fine. He didn’t get off to a great start at work, since a few people freaked out when they found out he was married to another guy. It came up in casual conversation, so he didn’t think it was a big deal, but they did. He’s making a few friends at work, though. He flies almost every shift, since they cover a wide area. His friend Brian got engaged, and that was a problem for a bit, since they used to date, but he got past that and he’s doing better.”

“Good. We were all worried about him,” Annie said, as she took the exit for the airport. “He was so upset after he got fired and then he headed west. I just hope he’s okay out there.”

“He should be, though it won’t be easy for him. The good thing is that he’s got family and friends out there and they’re keeping him sane. The work on the house is getting closer to done and he’s already got gardens planted and keeps up the yard work. He’s in his element in that respect at least,” I said, eager to see where I might be living in a year. “He’s a little worried because this job, I guess, is provisional, meaning temporary. He’s looking around to see what else there is for jobs, but crossing his fingers that Irvine continues to need him.”

“Would he consider coming back?” Tony asked, as the airport came into view. I was eager to get inside now that we were here.

“I don’t know, but I kind of doubt it. He wants to see how the winter goes out there first, I think, which makes sense. But I don’t think he’s coming back,” I said, shaking my head. Annie pulled up to the passenger drop off, and I made way out of the truck. The sultry July air caught my breath and I started to sweat almost instantly. “Thanks for the ride, guys.”

“When does your flight land back here?” Annie asked, as I made sure I had everything. They were giving me a ride home as well.

“August 1st at nine at night,” I said, double checking the ticket.

“We’ll see you then. Have a safe flight, Jacoby,” Tony said, and I waved them off. I made it through security and check in and made my gate with time to spare. I called Jimmy to let him know my flight was leaving on time at noon, and I’d be there around supper time. As usual, he sounded a bit nervous and off kilter and I knew we’d need to have a long talk when I got out there.

***

My flight was on the ground seven long hours later. I filed off with other passengers, a grin spreading on my face as I walked toward baggage claim. I knew Jimmy would be waiting there for me, and I intended to snog him good. I followed the signs, as LAX was so confusing and at last I saw the top of his head. I called his name and he looked up, grinning when he saw me.

“Finally!” he said, swooping me off the ground and into his arms. His lips smacked against mine and we shared the most heated kiss of our entire marriage. My hands were working up his shirt, his hands were tangled in my hair and I was lost in the passion of the moment. Our tongues fought with each other for dominance, and his won. I sucked greedily on his bottom lip, and his shirt was riding up higher and higher.

“Guys,” a voice said, but we ignored it, and I kept tugging at his shirt, meeting with a strange resistance. “Guys! You’re in public!”

We parted, panting, and I looked over at my mother. She was laughing as she grabbed my suitcase, then hugged me. I hugged her back, glad to see her again. She walked us out the door, still laughing at our little make out session.

“You can have sex at the house,” Jimmy's mother said, and I blushed a deep, deep crimson. I was staying with Jimmy, of course, at his parent’s house, but mom was having supper with us tonight. “How was your flight?”

“Boring,” I said, as I climbed into Jimmy's truck. “I brought a book to read, but it did little to ward off the boredom.”

“Well, you’re here now and I promise, there won’t be any boredom for the next month,” Jimmy said, taking my hand. “Nice cast. Neon green this time, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s on for about a month or so, just while my wrist finishes healing. The rest of my arm is back to normal, though, and I can start using the hand a bit more.”

“That’s good,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows at me and I had to laugh as my mother shook her head. “Aren’t you glad we’re not staying at your house?”

“I feel sorry for your parents!” mom said, laughing, as she took the exit for Huntington Beach. “Can the builders get the acreage done any faster, Barb?”

We both burst out laughing as I saw Jimmy's neighborhood come into view. My mom would be staying with us tonight, since it was a five hour drive back home and I wanted to spend some time with her as well. Jimmy and I would, of course, drive up to stay with her while I was home, but she chose to come down for a few days.

“Go ahead and get settled in,” Barb said, as Jimmy parked the truck. “We’ll eat in about another hour or so. I tossed a lasagna in for supper.”

“I can’t wait,” I said, taking Jimmy's hand and rolling my suitcase behind me. He seemed overly glad to see me and again, my curiosity was getting the better of me. I needed to talk to him, but wasn’t sure when I’d get the chance. There was something different about him and it wasn’t all this warm California sand and sun.

***

Supper was great as usual. After dessert, which I have no idea how I found room for, Jimmy and I were shooed to go sit together and talk. I told mom we could do that later, since she was here, but she wouldn’t hear of it. We finally gave in and went out on the back deck. His parents had a perfect view of the sunset from their deck, and we hadn’t watched a good sunset for quite a while.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, taking my hand in his. “I’ve missed you. I wish you could move out here sooner.”

“Well, I’m going to stick to my guns,” I said, gently. I didn’t want to fight about anything on my vacation. “But I have a feeling this time next year, I’ll be coming out.”

We lapsed into silence for a bit, watching as the sky was painted in red, purple, orange, and pink. Dark descended but we stayed outside. We’d moved down to the fire pit his parents had and had a nice fire going. Evenings were cool in HB, and especially so right on the ocean. We were sitting in lawn chairs and I was pondering how to approach the conversation I wanted to have.

“How’s work going?” I asked, knowing that Jimmy was finally on orientation for the job he was hired for.

“Great so far,” he said, grinning, though I could tell there was something behind the grin. “I fly quite a bit, and it sounds like I might come off orientation a bit sooner than usual.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. With your years of knowledge and ability to learn the job quickly, it’s only natural that you’d spring ahead of everyone else.”

He laughed, as he moved to sit on the sand, and I joined him. I sat between his legs and he held me tight. We sat like that for a quite a while, watching the fire, and then he pulled out the food: graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars, of course. He handed me a skewer and we went to town, eating an entire bag of marshmallows and most of the chocolate bars.

“We’re going to be sick in the morning,” I said, as Jimmy handed me the last sandwich. “You know this, right?”

“If we sleep,” he said, laughing. I ate half the sandwich and then gave him the last half to finish. The fire was mostly out now, so we stashed our things and I watched as he slipped out of his shorts and t-shirt. “Coming?”

I nodded eagerly, heading for the water as naked as the day I was born. Sugar was coursing through us, not to mention a few cans of pop, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had a midnight swim. Jimmy had the next two days off and his new boss had been understanding about the situation. Therefore, he had to work this weekend, one day next week and then he was on vacation as well for a week while I was here. I had told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted.

“Well, we should get to bed,” Jimmy said, and I nodded. I was getting tired, the flight and the slight time change finally catching up. We walked up to the house after gathering out things and got ready for bed. Once we were in bed, Jimmy held me tight. “I’ve missed you, Jacoby. I know we’ve been through hell of late, but it’s getting better and I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t lose me,” I promised, snuggling into his embrace. I fell asleep almost instantly and not surprisingly, I slept better than I’d slept in a month.

***

We slept late the next morning, finally being drawn from our slumber by the smell of coffee and bacon. We tossed some shorts on, since his mother frowns at us just being in our boxers at the table, and enjoyed a homemade breakfast. Any mess we’d left the night before, since we were too tired to put things away, was gone. His mother told us to have fun today and that my mom had hit the road early, since she had to work a half day.

I texted her and apologized for not seeing her off, which she said was fine. We’d be down next weekend and that was good for her. I grabbed a quick shower, then waited for Jimmy. We were going to hang out today, since he was working the next three days. Once his weekend was over, we were going to hit all our favorite places in town. There would be BBQs at friend’s houses, nights at the bar, and any number of other things. Just for fun, we were going to pretend to be tourists for a day, so I had plenty of things to look forward to.

“What did you want to do today?” Jimmy asked, as we sat in the downstairs family room.

“I’d like to see the house if we can,” I said, and he broke into a huge smile. “I know you’ve been putting so much hard work into it.”

He laughed, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Oh yes. Actually, I’ve been trying to pitch in and help, since mom and dad insisted on paying for the work, but they won’t let me.” He shrugged and I had to smile. “Uhm, before we go, there’s something we should talk about.”

“I agree. I wanted to bring something up as well,” I said, turning to face him. We had the room to ourselves, and I had a feeling that was going to work in our favor.

“You first,” he said, and now he looked nervous.

“Well, you’re different,” I said, looking into his eyes. “You seem nervous when we talk, as though you want to tell me something, but can’t. What’s going on?”

He took my hand and kissed it, then looked me in the eyes. He was smiling, I realized and I returned the smile uncertain what I was smiling about. He took a deep breath and the words he said next almost knocked me out off the couch. It might have been the news we wanted, but I know it was the news I most dreaded.

“I got a permanent job.”

Oh my goodness. I'm not sure how Coby is gonna react to that. I know he's been hoping that Jimmy would be coming back to Iowa, but now that doesn't look likely...

I've got my eye on that Brian, I don't trust him. He's in the same category as Edgar right now.

I'll get the sequel started here shortly =).

You are the first person to tell me they don't trust Brian. I had a lot of good comments on Brian as the sequel went along, but no one up front said they didn't trust him. You are going to have to pay special attention to him as the story goes along. Things get very interesting...

So with that in mind, I'll go make the spot for the sequel!

Yeah, well, so far my suspiscions of Edgar have gone unfounded, so maybe things will be the same with Brian.

Anywho, I shall go grab a drink and then settle in with the start of the sequel!

It will be interesting to see what you think of Brian in the sequel =)